Bleh...

Ok. I think I may have decided to just give up on Japheth. I mean, if he calls and wants to come over, that's cool. But I'm done sitting around and waiting for him. I mean, shit. I saw him when we woke up Saturday. Since then, I have heard exactly 5 words from him. He was AIM Tuesday while I was working.

Me- Shouldn't you be in bed? LOL
Him- I'm on my way.
Me- Ok then. Sleep well.
Him- Ok.

And nothing since. I called on my way home from throwing darts on Wednesday. I wanted someone to talk to while I drove home. He didn't answer, so I left a voice mail. Still, nothing. I could be over reacting, who knows. I know he's EXTREMELY busy with recording and that tends to distract him. But, a simple phone call in a week is too much? It's not like I'm asking him to give me a fucking itinerary or anything. I just want to know how things are going with recording and how he is. And, on a more selfish note, I'm trying to judge whether or not I'm some fuckbuddy or if I'm something more. He said he didn't want a serious relationship. Cool. I can deal with that. Then he started calling more regularly. After the one argument we've had, he started making it known that he was still alive. Now, not so much. Hell, I doubt I'd have even seen him Saturday if I hadn't been drunk and insisting. I probably made him feel bad for forgetting my birthday as well. I guess I'm expecting too much but wanting him to call. I'm tired of sitting by my fucking phone every night, hoping he'll call. I'm tired of worrying about him when it gets late or when the roads get bad. And I'm tired of not knowing how he feels. Whether or not I'm wasting my time by thinking there may be a chance for something more with him. Just fucking tell me. That's all I want.

Wow. I'm just one huge ass fucking bummer this morning. I think it could be due to all this damned snow that keeps falling. I don't mind snow, for the most part. But when assloads of it fall from the sky at once, it tends to make me pissy. I'm just glad I don't live in New York. I've heard they're supposed to get 18 inches!!! We're supposed to get a mere 8 inches here in good ole Flint, MI. I feel lucky when I think about the shit that they're getting.

I've been listening to a lot of screamy-angry-metal this morning. Lamb of God, The Haunted, etc. Usually that shit makes me all bouncy and in the mood to kick things and/or people. Not today for some reason. Fuckin moody shit. I suppose that'll be all for now. Bleh.

Hooray for boredom!

I am bored out of my fucking skull. I'm so bored that, minus vacuuming, I've cleaned my entire office. I'd vacuum, except that it's 645 AM and my crew is sleeping. I know I'd be pissed if I were sleeping and some psychotic red head decided to start vacuuming just for shits and giggles. Shit, I've been in here singing rather loudly and they haven't woke up yet. Maybe it's cuzz the door's closed. I could still hear my music when I went into the kitchen for my other Coke. Whatever.

So, I've been chatting with this guy, Andrew. Initially, I wasn't quite sure what to make of him. But we've been chatting a lot lately and I find myself looking forward to talking to him. Hell, I've been getting online at home lately and chatting with him for hours. It's weird. He lives in New York and even though I'm attempting to get plans situated to be able to go out there to see him and the band he manages, I don't have very high hopes that'll happen. I'd REALLY love to see this band, Quick Kill Formula. That's the reason Andrew and I started chatting. I left a post on the QKF website talking about being bored at work and needing people to chat with. He IMed me like the next day. This guy is really cool. I'd like to be able to get to know him better cuzz I think we'd make great friends. He says he's scared though. That calling me will make things all that more real. I agree. It totally will. I don't think that'd be such a bad thing, but then again, maybe it would be. Make any sense? Gah....I dunno. Hopefully I'll be able to make that roadtrip in March. Maybe that'll prove to be eventful. At any rate, I'd FINALLY get to see QKF!

I guess that's enough rambling for now. Nothing all that exciting has been happening. Same random bullshit.... Saw Japheth Friday. Haven't heard from him since. I did, however, manage to completely knock the shit out of myself Saturday. I was getting out of a truck at home and slipped and fell on some ice. Mind you, I was completely plowed. The guy that drove me home, Jim, actually caught me as I fell, but I still have this ginormous bruise on my left arm and about 5 nasty ones on my left leg. I hate bruising so easily. I probably look like I've been beat on or some shit. Oh well.

Another birthday...

So, today I am 25. I'm not completely sure how I feel about that. I mean, I know aging is inevitable. There's no fucking stopping it, so why bother to pretend it's not happening. I'm not sure that it's the realization that I am getting closer to 30 or what. 30 has never really bothered me before. For some reason, this birthday is upsetting to me. I can't say it cuzz I don't have the things that other people my age have. Shit, I'm a mother, I've been married, I'll soon have what seems to have become the required divorce for anyone who has ever gotten married. I have a job, I have a home. I don't know what the fuck is making me so down. Maybe it's cuzz this year, I've actually been saying, "Hey, my birthday is on such and such day." or "Hey, my birthday is in this many days." And, as usual, no one seems to remember. I'm not sure why I thought that this year would be different. I don't know why I suddenly care. All I know is I am pissed off and I just want to go home and crawl into bed. I'm fucking tired and I want to sleep. I'm fucking stressed out and I want to smoke, but I can't. I want to drink, but I can't. I'm so fucking stressed out that I don't feel like I have a handle on my emotions and that's pissing me off even more. I love Becky and I understand why her money situation is the way it is. She didn't intend it to get to his point, but there's only so much you can do when assholes control your paycheck. I just paid all the bills to make sure we were up to date. I also had to pay the court part of my fines yesterday. I still have to find a way to pay for my fucking tags on my license plate, an entire fucking headlight assembly for my car. I have to figure out how the fuck I'm gonna pay the vet to make sure the cats are ok. I have almost $50 to last me until my next check, which will be here on the 21st. And if Becky can't pay her share of the rent this month, I'm fucked. We need a place to live. I'll have to put off my other obligations, like my fucking court fines, in order to ensure we have a roof over our heads. I need to be able to work more, though I have neither the time or the energy to put in any more hours. I only work 48 hrs a week, but being that I work 12 hour shifts, it's hard for me to find someone to watch Alex for that long. And I don't' see that baby enough as it is. And, on top of all that shit, I'm feeling like ass cuzz today is my mother fucking birthday. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe it would help if the people I care about actually remembered it this year. I know they won't though. No one I care for ever remembers.

Dear lord I sound SO FUCKING EMO. I need shot....

Happy Arraignment!

So, I to be arraigned today for driving on a suspended license. Ok, I suppose it was yesterday, but I've been up since 6 AM Tuesday, so for me, it's not today. Make sense? Yeah....I'm thinking not.

At any rate, I actually got off really well, considering what I was facing. Seems I could've been sentence to 90 days in jail and up to $5000 in fines! O_o It was kinda interesting. I was probably the 6th or 7th person called up. Everyone before me was there for drunk driving. Everyone. And they all plead Not Guilty. I couldn't figure that out. I mean, shit, if they gave you a breathalizer and YOU FAILED, you'd think pleading No Contest or even Guilty would be better. hat way you don't have to worry about court fees on top of everything else you're already gonna owe. but, whatever. I plead guilty, cuzz, well, my kicense actually was suspended. The judge chuckled a little when I spit that out. heheh. He asked me to explain what happened and I told him that I had paid some speeding tickets pretty late, but that I wasn't aware of my license being suspended until I was pulled over. I also explained that I hadn't received the statement regarding the $45 reinstatement fee until I got home the night in question. Everything was taken care of as soon as it was possible. I was pulled over on a Saturday night and it was all taken care of Monday morning. He looked at me and said, "Well, I'd have found ya guilty anyway. You're fined $175. Can you pay that today?" Um...NO! I told him I could pay part of it, but the majority of it would have to wait until I got paid again on te 21st. He said no problem and told me to sit down and wait for the bailiff to get some paperwork and blahblahblah. Well, just before the bailiff took me out, I heard what the kid that went up after me was charged with. Keep in mind, this kid was ultra skinny, black hair pulled back into a ponytail, glasses and though he attempted to dress nicely in a white button down shirt and black slacks, they were very wrinkled and he looked not so good in them. But, you MUST remember the ultra skinny part. "People Vs. blahblahblah You are being charged with indecent exposure." Teehee! He pleaded Not Guilty as well! Seriously, someone saw your wang dude. May as well fess up and possibly;y avoid the bigger fine or even jail time. If even one person can accurately describe your wang, you're guilty. Hope the poor bastard didn't sleep with a girl and then piss her off. What a way to get back at an ex...

That's pretty much been the excitement of my day. That and I discovered I am obsessed with Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Holy yummy! And wonderfully hyper-inducing. At least, I think that's why I'm so full of energy. Hmm.....

Brite's Bitching Corner

So, I have randomly decided that not only will I use this blog to entertain myself at work, but I will also use it to write about things I don't want to put in my DeadJournal cuzz I really don't want to hear any shit about it. I love my friends, I really do, but sometimes they're a little much. I mean, shit, we're all opinionated as hell, but there are some things that you don't need to comment on. Especially if you've already made it known that you don't approve/like whatever the subject matter may be about. Sometimes people just need to get shit off their chest and not see any kind of comments. Most of the time I welcome them. My friends give some great advice. But then there are times when they make comments that hurt me. Most likely, I'm being overly sensitive, but who the fuck knows.

Ok, essentially, the only thing I feel like I can't talk about on my DeadJournal is Japheth. My friends are pissed cuzz he made me cry. I do not cry and when I do, I do not cry in front of people. It's very rare that I cry at all, and when they saw that, he instantly went on their shit list. Don't get me wrong, I love that they care for me that much. But the choice to be with him or do whatever the fuck we're doing, is mine and mine alone. Even if they think it's completely retarded of me, which I know they do, show me some fuckin support sometimes. I feel like I can't even mention his name most of the time cuzz it'll be met with some smart assed retort. I don't mind most of the time, I do the same thing. But when I see that they're trying to reach out to me or just simply want me to listen, I allow them to do that, with out the smart ass commentary that we're all so fond of.

So, that being said, I will make this entry my little bitching corner. Obviously, that has already begun, but I thought I would just give ya'll a warning or something. Ok, so Japheth. That boy does something to me. I have NO clue what it is, but normally, I would not put up with some of the shit I've been dealing with with him. Maybe it's cuzz I've gotten more understanding in my old age. Maybe it's cuzz I've decided not to listen to everyone around me. Who knows. What I do know is that this boy is on my mind a lot. More than he should be probably. We spent New Year's Eve together. That was nice. All we did was stay at my place, get drunk and listen to music. But we were actually spending time together and I really enjoyed it. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like to, but I know he's busy. He has a full time job and his band is extremely important to him. As a matter of fact, they've been recording recently and that's been eating up basically all of his free time. At any other point in my life, I think I would be handling this very badly. I'd probably be freaking out and making myself look psychotic. But now I'm just taking it for what it is. His life. So far, he has really given me no reason to think he's out there dating hordes of other women or anything like that. And I'm actually not even worried about that with him. There's something about him that makes me believe he wouldn't do that, even if we were just fucking around. He's told me there's more to it than that and I believe him. Even though he's not sure what to tell me as far as what we are (couple, fuck buddies, etc), I believe there's more to us than just fucking around. Maybe I am being stupid, who knows. What I do know, is that I enjoy being with him immensely and that I've developed feelings for him. Whether or not he has feelings for me as well remains to be told. We both seem to have a very difficult time letting our feelings be known, so neither one of us may open up anytime soon. But, for the most part, I'm happy with the way things are. The only thing that kinda irks me is when he doesn't call. I know he's insanely busy, but I like hearing from him. As I said, any other time in my life, I'd be freaking the fuck out. I guess I've calmed down through the years. LOL.

Ok, I guess I'm done. Hope you enjoyed Brite's Bitching Corner. Stay tuned...

Holy caffeinated Brite!!!

WOW! I've been awake since about 8 AM yesterday and I am fucking wired! I love caffeine...

Ok, so it's now 2005. Nothing really exciting. I just feel old. I'll be 25 on the 13th. I know that's not really old or anything, but I feel like I am. I am SO not where I wanted to be at this age. By now, I was supposed to be famous on Broadway, maybe breaking into the movies or on my way to a singing career. Yeah, that never happened. Instead, I live in Flint. I work in the same town I was pretty well raised in, this is the place I've lived most at least. I'm getting a divorce. I'm a single mother. And I have nothing I can call my own. I rent my home. I do own my car, but it's such a piece of shit now that I soon will not have that. I have a new kitten, but that's a cat. Heh. I've taken some college classes, but no where near enough for any kind of degree. I'm a fuckin loser! What a way to start off the new year. Major realization: I HAVE AMOUNTED TO SHIT! So, maybe this year I'll change that. I'm thinking I don't want to do college. I'm thinking I'm gonna become a Paramedic and save people. I really like working in EMS. If I take the course through my job, it won't cost nearly as much or last nearly as long. I think I'm going to become obsessive about my exercising habits again, as well. I've gotten rather flubbery and I don't like it. Time to quit being lazy. I need to get back on teh vitamins, too. At least the Niacin. So, I'll be red for a couple of days. Who the fuck cares? That shit helped me drop weight before. Maybe then I won't feel so unsure of myself and I'll be able to initiate things more often.

That makes me think of New Year's. I've been seeing this guy, Japheth, for a few months and he came over to spend New Year's with me. Totally unexpected, but I'm glad he did. It was nice. Just the 2 of us sitting in my kitchen, getting drunk, listening to music and talking about whatever random things popped into our heads. I made him listen to this band called Quick Kill Formula. He was amazed by the guitarist. He'd be saying something and then stop in mid-sentence and just stare at the radio. LOL At any rate, by the time it became 2005, we were both pretty tanked. I'd been feeling pretty frisky for quite sometime, so while he was on the phone with one of his friend's wishing them a Happy new Year, I decided to have some fun and started fuckin with him. Kissing on his ears and his neck cuzz I know that drives him nuts. Well, I'm not gonna get into details, but at one point, he told me he liked that I was taking the lead cuzz I rarely ever do so. Thing is, I like being dominated. Pull my hair, push me around, I really like that shit. Which is another reason I rarely take the initiative. Guess I should change that up, eh?

Ok, THAT was quite the pointless entry. Meh. I don't give a fuck. I just felt like typing for some reason. Probably cuzz I'm procrastinating. I've got this this ginormous stack of runs to go through and put in numerical order. Not anything difficult, just very mind numbing and seeing as how I dislike papercuts, I'm not looking forward to doing it. Not too mention the stack is damned near a foot tall. I shit you not. So, I procrastinate.

I am bored with writing in here at the moment. I can't come up with anything interesting to write about. Damn not having a life.