Another birthday...

So, today I am 25. I'm not completely sure how I feel about that. I mean, I know aging is inevitable. There's no fucking stopping it, so why bother to pretend it's not happening. I'm not sure that it's the realization that I am getting closer to 30 or what. 30 has never really bothered me before. For some reason, this birthday is upsetting to me. I can't say it cuzz I don't have the things that other people my age have. Shit, I'm a mother, I've been married, I'll soon have what seems to have become the required divorce for anyone who has ever gotten married. I have a job, I have a home. I don't know what the fuck is making me so down. Maybe it's cuzz this year, I've actually been saying, "Hey, my birthday is on such and such day." or "Hey, my birthday is in this many days." And, as usual, no one seems to remember. I'm not sure why I thought that this year would be different. I don't know why I suddenly care. All I know is I am pissed off and I just want to go home and crawl into bed. I'm fucking tired and I want to sleep. I'm fucking stressed out and I want to smoke, but I can't. I want to drink, but I can't. I'm so fucking stressed out that I don't feel like I have a handle on my emotions and that's pissing me off even more. I love Becky and I understand why her money situation is the way it is. She didn't intend it to get to his point, but there's only so much you can do when assholes control your paycheck. I just paid all the bills to make sure we were up to date. I also had to pay the court part of my fines yesterday. I still have to find a way to pay for my fucking tags on my license plate, an entire fucking headlight assembly for my car. I have to figure out how the fuck I'm gonna pay the vet to make sure the cats are ok. I have almost $50 to last me until my next check, which will be here on the 21st. And if Becky can't pay her share of the rent this month, I'm fucked. We need a place to live. I'll have to put off my other obligations, like my fucking court fines, in order to ensure we have a roof over our heads. I need to be able to work more, though I have neither the time or the energy to put in any more hours. I only work 48 hrs a week, but being that I work 12 hour shifts, it's hard for me to find someone to watch Alex for that long. And I don't' see that baby enough as it is. And, on top of all that shit, I'm feeling like ass cuzz today is my mother fucking birthday. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe it would help if the people I care about actually remembered it this year. I know they won't though. No one I care for ever remembers.

Dear lord I sound SO FUCKING EMO. I need shot....