Sunday, July 30, 2006

Ugh. Time is being sssssssssllllllooooooooowwwwwwwwww again. At least I only have two hours left to go. I think I'm pretty safe in my assumption that the time being slow thing is due to this being the last day of my work week. I'm totally looking forward to 3 days off. I'm kind of dreading it a little, though. See, the boy, he ADORES going outside. The temp is not supposed to be any kind of comfortable. Since the boy and I both have asthma, that's not a very good thing. Factor in high humidity and you've got asthma attacks just waiting to happen. Which, in turn, means I will have an abundance of whining directed at me, which I loathe. I'm thinking that I might be able to take him walking along the trails at the hospital again, though, which he loved doing the other day. This will give me a chance to get his Albuterol filled so he can take some on his trip up north with his grandparents this weekend. Maybe the catfish will be out again.

I've been exercising for the last week or so. The boy brought that on after the walk along the nature trails. I bought a Gazelle from a friend a while back and the boy loves it. One of his favorite things to do is pester me about using it. If he were a little taller and possibly a little less of the ADD mentality, I'd let him use it more. As it is right now, though, he's either 4ft or just over and that just freaks me out when he gets on it. But, I was feeling like being a nice mommy that night, so after we went on our walk, which included a brief pit stop for tree watering, we went to Kroger and got some stuff to make sandwiches for dinner and then we ventured back to the homestead. After dinner, we watched a couple cartoons and then it was time to exercise! He was so excited. I think it was a little too excited, but since he's 5 everything he gets excited about is, in his words, "the ultimate". Yeah. He told me that when we exercised, it was going to be "the ultimate". *snicker* Anyway, so we did that and then he went to bed and I figured I may as well keep doing it. I haven't used the Gazelle since that night, but, in my defense, I have issues exercising at home in front of anyone but Alex. Since Greg has been home when I get home from work, I've just exercised in morning before work, which doesn't leave me time to haul the Gazelle out from under the couch and use it. He works the night shift this week, so I think Alex and I will be exercising again, which, of course, means mommy gets to drag out the Gazelle. At least I can make sure he's not using it as a jungle gym or something.

I've decided that I am going to map out ideas for a book. I've toyed with writing something like that since I was 11 and had written my first poem, but I never really did anything. I wrote some really stupid short stories and a play or two when I was around 12 or 13, but that's about it. Man, I came across the folder I have with those stories in it a few weeks back. WOW. They were just... Stupid, for lack of a better term. If I remember right, every single one of them involved the main character getting into some type of major car accident. And everyone was named things like Swan and Heaven. I thought I was being SO creative by naming the characters things like that. HA! I've read some happy little romance novels with names like those in them and they struck me as completely cheesy. I had forgotten that I, too, had dipped into the same cheese. I think I might try and stay away from that this time. ^_^ I'm thinking of writing a thriller. Kind of along the lines of Patricia Cornwell. I won't copy her style or anything, but that kind of format is what I'd like to go with. Some kind of crime and how it gets solved and danger! I really like Patricia Cornwell.

Welp, it's stopped raining outside, so I think I'm gonna go blacken up my lungs. I know, I know, I just went on a semi-rant about asthma. But I like smoking dammit!

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Ugh. This day is moving very slowly. I've been up since 5AM, which isn't really anything new, but it feels like it should be later than 1115.

Went in for the ultrasound. That was fun. (Can you FEEL the sarcasm?) Seems it wasn't enough to have just the run of the mill ultrasound. Oh no, no, no! I got have a very special vaginal ultrasound as well. I hate those. There's just something a little unsettling about having a stranger routing around in there with what looks to be a rather large toy. At least it didn't hurt this time.

I keep forgetting to get the blood draw. I was going to do it on Thursday, but I had to work. I picked part of the shift, so I could've had it done before I went in at 11. Provided, of course, that I would've woken up at the time I was supposed to. The alarm was clearly set for 730. I have a fuzzy memory of the alarm going off, hitting the clock, hearing the radio and then nothing. I woke up at 11. I was an hour and a half late to work. Neat. I'm blaming the Metformin. Or Glucophage, whichever. I really don't think it matters much since one is the generic of the other.

I've decided to be ambitious about losing weight and have started a morning exercise routine. Not sure how long it'll last, but I'm hoping I won't lose my motivation. I'm trying to see about going to New York in October and I'd like to not be puffy. Meh. I suppose it doesn't really matter if I'm puffy or not. I'll have to remember to tell myself that if I realize I've lost motivation.

In other news, Greg made me watch Helraiser: Hellbound last night. I have a total love/hate relationship with horror movies. I love to watch them, but I am such a fucking girl afterwards! I was spooked walking to the bathroom last night and I kept dreaming of Pinhead. Then, this morning, I spooked myself while I was in the shower. I forgot that the little cat, Baby, followed me into the bathroom when I went in to take my shower. I was washing my face when she decided it would be a good idea to charge the shower door. I couldn't see her cuzz I was washing my face and I freaked out, thinking there was something coming in to get me. I screeched a little and everything. It makes me feel a little better thinking that I scared her, too.

Hmm... This only took up about 15 minutes of my time. This is not encouraging about how quickly the rest of the day will go.

I want a vacation.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

So, the testing shall begin again. Seems my doctor has decided that she wants to find out what's really causing my pain. *facepalm* Nothing has changed in the years since I was diagnosed with PCOS and while I understand the need to have tests done to rule out things, I don't see what that has to do with giving me something for the pain. When I asked, she told me that she doesn't want to medicate me until she knows the real reason for the pain. I don't get it. It's the same pain with the same symptoms. The only difference is that my periods have gone from every 1-2 weeks to sporadic, which is normal with PCOS. (At least from what I've read anyway) So, Wednesday, I get to have another ultrasound. I loathe ultrasounds simply for the whole not being able to pee aspect. That drives me insane.

I'm supposed to have a fasting blood draw done sometime next week as well. My mom was telling me that I should get there at 645 so I can be the first in line after not eating or drinking anything after like 6 or 7 the night before. (12 hour fast) I looked at her like she was loopy and said that I didn't want to have to get up that early if I wasn't going to work. She and the doctor laughed at me cuzz apparently, my like of making the sleep is humorous and can be attributed to my age. In reality, I'm dreading going cuzz people can never seem to find my veins when they try and steal my blood like the vampires they are. The last time I tried to donate blood, they couldn't find a vein for about 20 minutes and when they finally were able to get the needle in my arm and get to it, they ended up telling me they couldn't use my blood and threw it out cuzz I didn't put out an entire pint. Seems like a waste to me, but what do I know? At any rate, I'm thinking I'll do that Thursday cuzz I think the boy will be with his gramma. I have to ask her if she can watch him Wednesday while I have my ultrasound cuzz Greg will be at work and she usually will just keep him if I have her grab him up on Wednesday. We'll see, though. If not, then I'll see if my mom can watch him while I go. I'm not sure if she's up to it yet or not, but it can't hurt to ask.

I also get to see a new OB-GYN. It's the one my mom goes to and he's supposed to be very good. My mom raves about him and likes to tell me he's never had a lawsuit for malpractice or anything. That's great and all, but I'm still nervous. Honestly, I think it has more to do with the fact that he's a man than anything else. I've always had female OB-GYNs. I'm more comfortable with a woman poking around down there. Hopefully this guy doesn't give me that creepy-old-man vibe. That appt isn't until Aug. 9th, though, so I have a little bit to calm my anxieties.

Welp, I guess I should go about performing teh job duties. It's been a nice, slow day so far, but now that I've said that, I'm sure it's going to get busybusybusy!

And I'm off!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Have you ever been so incredibly frustrated with someone it makes your head hurt simply to think about it? Well, if you haven't, be thankful cuzz it sucks.

Everything with my ex-husband is drama. I seriously think he thrives of it. If any of his family read this, I appoligize (sp), but I am so incredibly frustrated that it's unreal. Things were fine. Drama was gone and everything was running smoothly. Now, he's pulling all sorts of stunts that make me wanna just rip my fucking hair out.

Matt has apparently decided that he wants to cut his parents off from him as far as any kind of finances go. That's great! He's 26 years old and should've done that a long time ago. What's bugging me is that he seems to using Alex to do it. He's decided that he wants his finace's brother, who I've know for pretty much ever, to watch Alex. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with that. It's not that I think Bryan's a bad guy or anything, I just think that 4 kids that are 7 and under are a lot for one person to handle and if Matt's mom is willing to watch Alex, FOR FREE, she should be allowed to do so. I certainly can't afford to pay Bryan anything for watching Alex and I know Alex can be a handful all on his own. It's only every other Thursday and every Friday cuzz that's when I work. When school starts, Bryan would have to take Alex to and from school, which is gonna drain his gas. Matt's mom has no problem taking Alex to and from school. Why change it? He's also been pawning his time with Alex off on other people. He's been asking his grandparents to keep Alex every Friday for the last month or so. He only gets Alex Fridays, when he gets out of work, until Sundays, when I get out of work. When I have him, Alex is always saying that he doesn't get to spend any time with Matt. This Sunday was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back.

One of his fiance's sons had to go to the hospital. Matt called me ealier in the morning to see about taking him to the ER where I work and I told him about it and blahblahblah. At that point, everything was fine. Around 3PM, I got a call from Bryan's girlfriend. She told me that the little boy was being admitted to the hospital and that Alex and the other kids would be at Bryan's and they needed me to pick Alex up out there. I told her that wasn't a problem. Then about 2 hours later, I get a call from Matt. He was calling to appoligize (sp) to me for having to pick Alex up in Lennon. Well, I kinda pissed Matt off at that point. I asked him why he couldn't have waited to go up to the hospital until I had picked Alex up. After all, Alex keeps saying he wants to spend time with his daddy and Matt knows that, which I also pointed out. He retorted with, "But, Leslee, this was an emergency." Since I know what was going on, I turned the fact that it wasn't a life threatening emergency on him. He got pissed off and told me he didn't call to debate with me. I told him I wasn't trying to debate, merely point out that, yet again, he's choosing the other kids over his own son. He trieed to say something else to me, but I couldn't hear him cuzz the base got loud, so we hung up. I called his mom and asked her to get Alex. In the course of the conversation with Matt, he had told me that Bryan didn't want to watch the kids cuzz he had things to do and that his sister had pretty much bitched him out until he gave in. I figure since Alex is in no way his responsibility, that if Matt's mom could pick him up, it'd be easier for Bryan. She went and got him and everything was fine. Until I went to pick Alex up, at least. Seems Matt and Dannette (his fiance) had put Alex's sandels on the little one who was in the hospital, so Alex had no shoes. Matt's mom was told by another one of the kids that there were "girl sandels" for Alex to wear. Heh. Needless to say, she wasn't too pleased, especially since there has been an on going battle between them about putting Alex's clothes on the other kids. Anyway, she asked Bryan's girlfriend for Alex's nebulizer. She didn't have it. So, Matt's mom took Alex back her place and told me all about that. It's Tuesday and I still don't have his nebulizer. I'm doubting that Matt will take it over to his mom's tomorrow like he just told me he was going to. Way to make sure your son can have his breathing treatments, Matt. Alex says that Matt's been sending him down to the basement playroom to play so he can smoke upstairs, too. That's a HIUGE no-no considering Alex is severely alergic to cigarette smoke. But that's another on going battle, too.

Needless to say, I'm in a not so happy mood at the moment. After I get out of the doctor's tomorrow I think I'm gonna call Friend of the Court and see what my options are. I'm fucking tired of this bullshit.

Monday, July 03, 2006

I'm having trouble sleeping again. The last few nights I've been taking Tylenol PM just to be able to drift off with out lying there wondering when it'll happen. I like making the sleep, but aparently, it doesn't like me to make it all the time.

I'm still worried about my mom, though, according to the doctors, I shouldn't be. Heh.

I think I've decided to see about getting a hysterectomy. I'm not completely sure, though. I'm just so tired of the bullshit that comes with PCOS. I'm tired of my hair falling out. I'm tired of gaining weight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing that there is a hint of a moustache. I'm so fucking tired of the pain. I'm never without pain, it's just not as intense as it can be most of the time. The pain I think is what bothers me the most. It's always there, constantly reminding me that there's something wrong with me. I honestly think that I'd be more able to deal with taking estrogen for the rest of my life than I am with dealing withthe pain. Thing is, Greg wants babies. I have my baby. My baby wants a sibling. So, my son and my boyfriend want babies and I don't know if I can even still have them, let alone know if I want more. I don't want to deprive either of them of the joy of a baby, but I just don't know if I can deal with this anymore. I'm on a message board for women with PCOS and they're dealing with it SO much better than I am. It makes me angry that I can't handle it as well. I can deal with many, many things. Just not this. I just want it gone.

I don't know if I'm happy anymore. There's no reason for me to not be, I just don't know if I am. I mentioned before that I started writing again. I haven't written in years. I need to be in a certain frame of mind to write and it seems I've found that frame of mind again. Here's the link to my poetry site if you're interested. If you read anything there, you'll see about the needing to be in a certain frame of mind. I dunno. I'm just not feeling like myself anymore.

I think I'm gonna go lie down and see if the gin is taking any effects as far as sleepiness goes. The boy will be up at the asscrack of early, so I need ot at least try to sleep. Wish me luck.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

And now for a real update...

So, my week was relatively uneventful. Played with the boy Monday and Tuesday, went and visited Ron on Wednesday. Normal crap was enjoyed.

Then Thursday came.

My mom was scheduled to have a hysterectomy Thursday. I didn't find out till later that they had found growths in her uterus that they think might be cancer. She was having other problems so she told them to just take it all out. My brother and I are 26 and 21 and she couldn't have any more kids anyway, so why not?

I'd had a bad feeling about it for a few days. I ignored it, though, thinking that this time I'd get myself all worked up and nothing bad would happen and I'd just look like that crazy lady down the street who collects cats. So, even though I was uneasy, I went about my life like there was nothing to be worried about. After all, a hysterectomy is a pretty routine surgery.

Thursday, I decided that I wanted some rum. I was in an artsy mood, didn't have to work, the kidling was with his grandparents and Greg was working till 10PM. Why not have some rum and Coke and write or play art? That idea sounded good at around 530PM, so I commenced with the rum drinking. I wrote my first poem in years and was thinking about getting my pastels out when my phone rang. It was my step-dad.

he gets this tone in his voice when he's worried or upset and doesn't want anyone to know cuzz, well, he's a guy and guys are big and strong. He told me that my mom had lost a lot of blood. Double the amount they were anticipating. She decided that it would be fun to stop breathing, too, so she was on a respirator. He was just leaving cuzz visiting hours were over. I got off the phone with him and sat there for a minute. Then I started crying and calling people. No one would answer their phone. Finally, I got a hold of my friend John. He said that he was gonna come over after he was finished at the restaurant he was at. I tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal cuzz I didn't want to interrupt anyone's night, I just needed someone to talk to, but he insisted and I relented.

John got there just before Greg and I proceeded to drink more. Not how I should've gone about things, I know, but I can't change it. John succeeded in taking my mind off things and got me laughing. Greg sat at the computer. He didn't really say much. John left a little after midnight cuzz he had to work the next morning. I, fortunately, didn't. I had called dispatch just a little after I found out and asked about using PTO time and told them that my mom had come very close to dying. I must've sounded worse than I intended cuzz the dispatcher on that night called our boss and called me back to tell me that I didn't need to worry about coming in.

I went to visit her the next day around 5 or so. I wanted to go earlier, but I had a really hard time getting myself to get ready and to actually go. No one had called me to tell me that she had gotten any worse, but I didn't know if she had gotten any better, either. So, I finally got myself up there. She was sitting in bed watching TV. They had taken her off the respirator and she was talking and stuff. They had made her start getting up and walking herself over to the bathroom so she didn't have trouble doing so in the future and what not. I honestly thought that I was gonna see my mom hooked up to a bunch of machines. They didn't even have an IV in her arm. o_O I stayed up there for a few hours and went back home. They discharged her yesterday. We're both a little pissed off about that. I mean, she died on that table and they let her go 2 days later?! Unbelievable.

So, I almost lost my mother. In almost losing her, I lost control of my emotions. I'm scared to think how I'll react when the day comes that she actually does pass away...

The Bug

So, I was sitting here at work, minding my own business. I was engrossed in a game of Solitaire. I felt something hit my pant leg. I thought nothing of it, figured it was just the material falling a little after I had moved my leg or something. Stephanie, one of the medics on today, looks over at me.

The following is the conversation that ensued. Word for word.

Steph~ Oh my God, it's on your leg.
Me~ screams like a fucking banshee GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!
Steph brushes at my leg
Me~ Jumping around and running back and forth between the two desk chairs. IS IT GONE? DID YOU GET IT?
Steph~ No, it's still there. Begins to frantically brush at my leg
Me~ OMGISITSTILLTHERE?!?!?!! Screams some more. Dies

She got the bug and smashed it good. By this time, Todd and Re-Todd (Todd is a medic and Re-Todd is an EMT) have come into the room to what the fuck was going on. Come to find out, the bug was on Steph first. She felt it crawling on her hand and flicked it off. It landed on me. I now feel like there are possibly millions of bugs on me. And my pulse is still a little high. o_O

This is why I do not like going outside. That is probably the same reason that I am so buttass white.

Yes people, I showed my fuckin girly colors. I have shamed myself by being scared of bugs.

The End