Saturday, July 18, 2009

An Open Letter To My Eyes

Dear Eyes,
Look, I understand you've got a bit of a complex going on about your looks. I mean, how could you not when everyone keeps telling you how pretty you are. Hell, even I know that you're my best feature. But the recent acts of sucktardness you've been exhibiting need to end and they need to end NOW.

Ok, I'll admit that the possibility of a scratched cornea lies solely with me. I'm sure you've even come to expect it by now considering that the whole scratching thing seems to be a yearly occcurrence. Please believe me when I express just how sorry I am about the whole thing. It sucks to have a scratched cornea and if I could afford it right now, I'd have my happy ass at the doctor's office trying to score some wicked eye drops to make you feel better. Thing is, I am flat ass broke, so we're just gonna have to learn to deal and heal on our own. That being said, I am requesting that you please stop being goopy. It's not very becoming and, quite frankly, it's kinda grossing me out. I appreciate the fact that you're not goopy enough to be crusted shut when I wake up as well as the fact that there's not enough of the aforementioned goop to make me appear diseased, but really? Ew. It needs to end now, please.

Now that that is out of the way, I have one more teeny tiny little request. The whole thing you've got going on right now with the eyelid? It's annoying as hell and I am issuing an immediate cease and desist order. I understand that I've been stressed a lot lately and that sometimes weird little things happen due to said stress. However, I can no longer take the almost constant twitching of my eyelid. While you may think it's a great stress reliever and/or cute the twitching is kinda making me want to go after you with a knitting needle in order to make sure it stops once and for all. Drastic? Probably. And really? I'm pretty ok with that, as long as it results in the eyelid no longer being twitchy. Yeah, it really IS that annoying.


I'm glad I was able to get that out there. Again, sorry for the whole possibility of a corneal abrasion. I've tried my hardest to break that tradition, but it would appear that it's one of those never ending battles. As for the twitching though, I make no apologies since I don't believe stress is a good enough reason for you to make my eyelid flip it's shit. So knock it off before I hunt down a knitting needle and end it all myself.

Lovingly yours,


Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Oh what a beautiful morning!

*shudder* Now I have that damned song stuck in my head. o_O


What follows is a tale of how my morning has made me think that the rest of my day may just suck ass. Well, maybe not completely, but a little bit of suckage is certainly in my future.

So, after allowing the boy to have a friend stay the night last night and PLEADING with the to just sleep in for once in their teeny tiny lives, I promptly woke up at the asscrack of early. (The asscrack of early happens to be around 0545, in case you're wondering.)

I get out of bed, as I am wont to do when my bladder is screaming at me to make with the moving or else it shall blow, and decide to not even attempt to go back to sleep. It's a losing battle (it always is, even when I should be able to sleep) and I was sick of fighting. I make my way to the couch and turn on the news to only, once again, be saturated by coverage that ye ole king of pop hath kicked the bucket. I decided that it would be a good time to read since the kids were actually still asleep. It was about that time that the cats decided it was time to begin the Kitty Olympics®, which usually means that anyone who happened to be asleep will be no longer. Miraculously, the chillens slept through most of the Kitty Olympics® and I was able to get some reading done.

When they woke up, they promptly decided it was time to take a bike ride. Being that it was all of 0730 and about 45° outside, I had to squash that idea for a bit. It lasted for maybe half an hour due to the fact that my son became enraptured with the death of the king coverage. o_O Before they left, they asked me to make them pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Being the most absolutely awesomest mom evAr, I agreed.

Making breakfast proved to be slow going for some reason. Everything seemed to take hours to fix and it was just weird. I think I'm pretty safe in assuming that everything tasted good cuzz the kid that spent the night asked for seconds and he's super-mini. When they finished eating, I had to break up a small argument (since my kid is an only child for the most part, he sometimes forgets that just cuzz HE wants to do something, not everyone else will) and they decided to go on yet ANOTHER bike ride. (Seems the super-mini kid is the boyfriend of a 22 year old chickie somewhere around here, which is kinda cute but also? kinda creepy) That is when I decided that I may as well start cleaning.

Now, most of you who will read this know that I absolutely abhor cleaning with a passionty passion. (See what I did there? AWESOME.) Though I may scrub the ever-loving shit out the bat cave when I'm working, getting me to clean anything is usually more difficult that pulling the teeth out of the mouth of a live and non-drugged out crocodile. I HATEHATEHATE cleaning, so the fact that I kinda wanted to clean was something I knew enough to jump on as soon as the thought hit my brain.

I got as far as loading and starting the dishwasher before stopping.

Impressed? Anyone care to take a guess as to WHY I stopped after loading the dishwasher? No? Well, why don't I just tell you then.

See, while I absolutely abhor cleaning, I simply LOVE the smell of lemon cleaning products. Whether it's dish soap, crap to mop the floor with, a Clorox wipe, if it's lemon scented, I am sure to sniff the life out of it. So, I got the dishwasher loaded and was pretty damned proud of myself for not only getting it done, but for the beautiful way all the dishes seemed to fit in there all magical like. (Shut up, I told you I was up at the asscrack of early.) I poured the Cascade powder into the little cuppy thingie that holds such crap and turned on the dishwasher, ready to attack whatever else I thought needed to be cleaned. (Which is actually everything, but would have probably only amounted to wiping down the cupboard.) As I was putting away the Cascade, I decided to sniff it, as I do every time I happen to load and start the dishwasher. It smelled SPECTACULAR, so I sniffed again. And then I decided to sniff one last time before I put it back under the sink.

That's when it happened.

Now, this is NOT the first time something like this has happened and I'm sure you're not shocked to read such a thing. I mean, I'm the chick who managed to chip her front teeth SNEEZING and also managed to BREAK a tooth almost completely in half by eating a salad that consisted of nothing but lettuce, cheese and my beloved ranch dressing. ANYTHING that can somehow hurt me has probably managed to do so at least ONCE in my lifetime, dishwasher detergent being no exception.

I accidentally managed to sniff Cascade like (I can only assume) a coke head. >_< Now, don't go thinking that I decided to bust out a razor and cut some lines of Cascade like I was Johnny Depp in blow cuzz that is nowhere near what happened. I simply was enjoying the refreshing lemony scent of the Cascade and sniffed too hard.

I'm sure you can imagine that it was not a comfortable feeling in any way. And while I can attempt to describe how much it burned and actually tasted NOTHING like lemons, I'm sure you all can probably imagine it better than I can describe it, so I'll leave you to it.

Oh and if you're wondering? No, I did not sneeze a bubble like I kinda hoped to. I did however manage to sneeze out a clump of Cascade. Now go eat your lunch and think of me. :-P