An Open Letter To My Eyes

Dear Eyes,
Look, I understand you've got a bit of a complex going on about your looks. I mean, how could you not when everyone keeps telling you how pretty you are. Hell, even I know that you're my best feature. But the recent acts of sucktardness you've been exhibiting need to end and they need to end NOW.

Ok, I'll admit that the possibility of a scratched cornea lies solely with me. I'm sure you've even come to expect it by now considering that the whole scratching thing seems to be a yearly occcurrence. Please believe me when I express just how sorry I am about the whole thing. It sucks to have a scratched cornea and if I could afford it right now, I'd have my happy ass at the doctor's office trying to score some wicked eye drops to make you feel better. Thing is, I am flat ass broke, so we're just gonna have to learn to deal and heal on our own. That being said, I am requesting that you please stop being goopy. It's not very becoming and, quite frankly, it's kinda grossing me out. I appreciate the fact that you're not goopy enough to be crusted shut when I wake up as well as the fact that there's not enough of the aforementioned goop to make me appear diseased, but really? Ew. It needs to end now, please.

Now that that is out of the way, I have one more teeny tiny little request. The whole thing you've got going on right now with the eyelid? It's annoying as hell and I am issuing an immediate cease and desist order. I understand that I've been stressed a lot lately and that sometimes weird little things happen due to said stress. However, I can no longer take the almost constant twitching of my eyelid. While you may think it's a great stress reliever and/or cute the twitching is kinda making me want to go after you with a knitting needle in order to make sure it stops once and for all. Drastic? Probably. And really? I'm pretty ok with that, as long as it results in the eyelid no longer being twitchy. Yeah, it really IS that annoying.

*whew*

I'm glad I was able to get that out there. Again, sorry for the whole possibility of a corneal abrasion. I've tried my hardest to break that tradition, but it would appear that it's one of those never ending battles. As for the twitching though, I make no apologies since I don't believe stress is a good enough reason for you to make my eyelid flip it's shit. So knock it off before I hunt down a knitting needle and end it all myself.

Lovingly yours,

Me