tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-97918352024-03-14T05:35:34.831-04:00Random Ramblings from Everyone's Favorite Brite!brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.comBlogger136125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-31421443087521359842030-04-01T09:10:00.002-04:002008-04-23T15:17:01.016-04:00Over On The Right...(This post will ALWAYS be the first {until 2030 anyway.} Scroll down for newer content)<br /><br />So, I made a little box that links to places I think do wonderful things and, should anyone visiting here ever feel the need to give to an organization, they deserve donations. I've not lost a child myself and I know that I can never ever begin to feel even a fraction of the pain the parents who've lost children feel, but if I can donate and/or get others to donate, I'll feel like I'm helping them to cope, even if it's only a small sliver of help. So, if you're feeling generous, click those links and throw a couple bucks their way. I will be with my next paycheck.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-91714031905311393072009-07-18T09:54:00.000-04:002009-07-18T09:55:15.509-04:00An Open Letter To My EyesDear Eyes,<br /> Look, I understand you've got a bit of a complex going on about your looks. I mean, how could you <i>not</i> when everyone keeps telling you how pretty you are. Hell, even <i>I</i> know that you're my best feature. But the recent acts of sucktardness you've been exhibiting need to end and they need to end NOW.<br /><br />Ok, I'll admit that the possibility of a scratched cornea lies solely with me. I'm sure you've even come to expect it by now considering that the whole scratching thing seems to be a yearly occcurrence. Please believe me when I express just how sorry I am about the whole thing. It sucks to have a scratched cornea and if I could afford it right now, I'd have my happy ass at the doctor's office trying to score some wicked eye drops to make you feel better. Thing is, I am flat ass broke, so we're just gonna have to learn to deal and heal on our own. That being said, I am requesting that you please stop being goopy. It's not very becoming and, quite frankly, it's kinda grossing me out. I appreciate the fact that you're not goopy enough to be crusted shut when I wake up as well as the fact that there's not enough of the aforementioned goop to make me appear diseased, but really? Ew. It needs to end now, please.<br /><br />Now that that is out of the way, I have one more teeny tiny little request. The whole thing you've got going on right now with the eyelid? It's annoying as hell and I am issuing an <i>immediate</i> cease and desist order. I understand that I've been stressed a lot lately and that sometimes weird little things happen due to said stress. However, I can no longer take the almost constant twitching of my eyelid. While you may think it's a great stress reliever and/or <i>cute</i> the twitching is kinda making me want to go after you with a knitting needle in order to make sure it stops once and for all. Drastic? Probably. And really? I'm pretty ok with that, as long as it results in the eyelid no longer being twitchy. Yeah, it really <i>IS</i> that annoying.<br /><br />*whew* <br /><br />I'm glad I was able to get that out there. Again, sorry for the whole possibility of a corneal abrasion. I've tried my hardest to break that tradition, but it would appear that it's one of those never ending battles. As for the twitching though, I make no apologies since I don't believe stress is a good enough reason for you to make my eyelid flip it's shit. So knock it off before I hunt down a knitting needle and end it all myself.<br /><br />Lovingly yours, <br /><br />Mebrite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-53104230194118647102009-07-08T10:58:00.000-04:002009-07-08T10:59:35.389-04:00Oh what a beautiful morning!*shudder* Now I have that damned song stuck in my head. o_O<br /><br />Anyway. <br /><br />What follows is a tale of how my morning has made me think that the rest of my day may just suck ass. Well, maybe not completely, but a little bit of suckage is certainly in my future.<br /><br />So, after allowing the boy to have a friend stay the night last night and PLEADING with the to just sleep in for once in their teeny tiny lives, I promptly woke up at the asscrack of early. (The asscrack of early happens to be around 0545, in case you're wondering.)<br /><br />I get out of bed, as I am wont to do when my bladder is screaming at me to make with the moving or else it shall blow, and decide to not even attempt to go back to sleep. It's a losing battle (it always is, even when I <i>should</i> be able to sleep) and I was sick of fighting. I make my way to the couch and turn on the news to only, once again, be saturated by coverage that ye ole king of pop hath kicked the bucket. I decided that it would be a good time to read since the kids were actually still asleep. It was about that time that the cats decided it was time to begin the Kitty Olympics®, which usually means that anyone who happened to be asleep will be no longer. Miraculously, the chillens slept through most of the Kitty Olympics® and I was able to get some reading done.<br /><br />When they woke up, they promptly decided it was time to take a bike ride. Being that it was all of 0730 and about 45° outside, I had to squash that idea for a bit. It lasted for maybe half an hour due to the fact that my son became enraptured with the death of the king coverage. o_O Before they left, they asked me to make them pancakes and bacon for breakfast. Being the most absolutely awesomest mom evAr, I agreed.<br /><br />Making breakfast proved to be slow going for some reason. Everything seemed to take <i>hours</i> to fix and it was just weird. I think I'm pretty safe in assuming that everything tasted good cuzz the kid that spent the night asked for seconds and he's super-mini. When they finished eating, I had to break up a small argument (since my kid is an only child for the most part, he sometimes forgets that just cuzz HE wants to do something, not everyone else will) and they decided to go on yet ANOTHER bike ride. (Seems the super-mini kid is the boyfriend of a 22 year old chickie somewhere around here, which is kinda cute but also? kinda creepy) That is when I decided that I may as well start cleaning.<br /><br />Now, most of you who will read this know that I absolutely abhor cleaning with a passionty passion. (See what I did there? AWESOME.) Though I may scrub the ever-loving shit out the bat cave when I'm working, getting me to clean anything is usually more difficult that pulling the teeth out of the mouth of a live and non-drugged out crocodile. I HATEHATEHATE cleaning, so the fact that I kinda <i>wanted</i> to clean was something I knew enough to jump on as soon as the thought hit my brain. <br /><br />I got as far as loading and starting the dishwasher before stopping.<br /><br />Impressed? Anyone care to take a guess as to WHY I stopped after loading the dishwasher? No? Well, why don't I just tell you then.<br /><br />See, while I absolutely abhor cleaning, I simply LOVE the smell of lemon cleaning products. Whether it's dish soap, crap to mop the floor with, a Clorox wipe, if it's lemon scented, I am sure to sniff the life out of it. So, I got the dishwasher loaded and was pretty damned proud of myself for not only getting it done, but for the beautiful way all the dishes seemed to fit in there all magical like. (Shut up, I told you I was up at the asscrack of early.) I poured the Cascade powder into the little cuppy thingie that holds such crap and turned on the dishwasher, ready to attack whatever else I thought needed to be cleaned. (Which is actually everything, but would have probably only amounted to wiping down the cupboard.) As I was putting away the Cascade, I decided to sniff it, as I do every time I happen to load and start the dishwasher. It smelled <i>SPECTACULAR</i>, so I sniffed again. And then I decided to sniff one last time before I put it back under the sink.<br /><br />That's when it happened.<br /><br />Now, this is NOT the first time something like this has happened and I'm sure you're not shocked to read such a thing. I mean, I'm the chick who managed to chip her front teeth SNEEZING and also managed to BREAK a tooth almost completely in half by eating a salad that consisted of nothing but lettuce, cheese and my beloved ranch dressing. ANYTHING that can somehow hurt me has probably managed to do so at least ONCE in my lifetime, dishwasher detergent being no exception.<br /><br />I accidentally managed to sniff Cascade like (I can only assume) a coke head. >_< Now, don't go thinking that I decided to bust out a razor and cut some lines of Cascade like I was Johnny Depp in blow cuzz that is nowhere near what happened. I simply was enjoying the refreshing lemony scent of the Cascade and sniffed too hard. <br /><br />I'm sure you can imagine that it was not a comfortable feeling in any way. And while I can attempt to describe how much it burned and actually tasted NOTHING like lemons, I'm sure you all can probably imagine it better than I can describe it, so I'll leave you to it.<br /><br />Oh and if you're wondering? No, I did not sneeze a bubble like I kinda hoped to. I <i>did</i> however manage to sneeze out a clump of Cascade. Now go eat your lunch and think of me. :-Pbrite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-6584663166909688092009-05-16T09:37:00.001-04:002009-05-16T09:37:58.845-04:00In Which I Blame My Mommy For Me Being An Asshole.So, I was at work this morning and got out of the office about 10 minutes late. No big deal, happens all the time. I went outside thinking my mom would be there, but she wasn't, which, again, no big deal. Happens a lot. So, I decided to have a cigarette and call my step-dad in case he was home and could remind my mom if she had forgotten. Well, he was on his way to Chesaning, but he said that my mom was awake when he left and she knew she had to come get me. So, I got off the phone, thinking maybe she got stuck behind a back hoe again. (I think that happened last week.)<br /><br />I stood outside, smoking my cigarette and watching traffic, but I didn't see her by the time I was finished, so I decided to go inside and jump on FaceBook really quick in case she was on there and lost track of time.<br /><br />- Keep in mind that she was driving a car that I've only seen a handful of times -<br /><br />I went up to the door and saw a car that looked like my mom's pull into the Chase bank next door. I watched it turn around and saw that it was pulling into the base, so I told everyone I was leaving and walked up to the car. I opened the passenger door and saw that there was a coat on the seat, so I went to kinda set my purse on the floor so I could move the coat.<br /><br />And then I heard, "I'm sure you think I'm someone else..."<br /><br />Thankfully, I didn't say what I was thinking, which was, "What the hell?"<br /><br />Seems I had decided that I was going home and I would be driven by a little old lady. A little old lady who was not related to me in any way, shape or form.<br /><br />*facepalm*<br /><br />Hi, I'm Leslee and I'm a ginormous asshole.<br /><br />I am SO happy I didn't start cussing. I have enough presense of mind not to when there are patients around or if someone comes in to pay a bill or something, but this was the end of my shift and I was feeling pretty giddy. See, not only was she a little old lady who was a completely stranger to me, but she was ALSO a little old lady who was coming to the base to drop off church pamphlets. <br /><br />I had no choice but to take them. I mean, I had just tried to get into this lady's car for crap's sake, I couldn't very well turn down the pamphlets and tell her no soliciting. I may be a ginormous asshole, but I try to be nice to old people. :-P<br /><br />So yeah, cuzz my mommy was running late to pick me, I showed my asshole skills to a completely unsuspecting old lady. I am TEH AWESOMER than you!<br /><br /><br />(I have GOT to stop forgetting I have this! :-/)brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-42306528881096037752009-01-28T16:34:00.002-05:002009-01-28T16:36:24.631-05:00And it just keeps on coming...I've been wanting to update with happier themes and what not. Unfortunately, this is not gonna be one of those kind of updates. This is the kind of update that just makes me want to start drinking at 800 in the morning. Heh.<br /><br />So, I haven't had medical insurance since I officially lost my job at Genesys. No big secret there. Once that happened, the insurance coverage I had for the boy was lost as well. Matt still has him on his insurance, so it wasn't really all that big a deal. I've looked into getting him on Medicaid or whatever, but I have yet to hear anything. (I'm not surprised since there has been a GINORMOUS increase in people who need help.) I think it might have to do with the fact that Alex is already insured under Matt, so it's not a top priority to get him Medicaid. The only reason I looked into it is cuzz that according to the divorce paperwork, Matt and I BOTH have to carry medical insurance for Alex. It wasn't a problem when we got divorced cuzz Alex was on Medicaid and then when I got hired in at Genesys, it cost me $60 a month for both of us to have medical, dental and vision. When I hired in at Patriot, I looked into their insurance and realized that unless they decided to pay me like $15 an hour, I couldn't afford it.<br /><br />So, I got home from work last night and was dinking around online reveling in my Happy Moron Tuesday (seriously, it was rough.). Greg came home from work and brought the mail in cuzz, being that it was Happy Moron Tuesday, I had forgotten to check it. I got a letter from the HR place that Patriot uses, so I figured I'd better open it and make sure I wasn't being fired or anything. (Not that I think I would be, but I'm a little paranoid after everything that went down at GETS.) In that letter, I was told that pursuant a National Medical Support Notice, case number blahblahblah, Alex is going to be enrolled in the medical insurance offered by Patriot. Since he's being enrolled, I have to be enrolled. <br /><br />What's this insurance going to cost me? Just over $400 a fucking month.<br /><br />I can barely pay my bills NOW, how the fuck am I supposed to be able to pay any bills when I'm going to be losing damned near half of my paycheck?!<br /><br />Greg doesn't seem concerned at all. Then again, whenever something happens concerning money, he doesn't really have ANY reaction, so I suppose that's a normal response for him. Heh. I'm gonna have to try to get another job, which is going to be difficult cuzz the dispatchers have all been told that if we need to have another job and it interferes in ANY way with our job at Patriot, we'll be bumped down to part time, which is basically no hours unless they need someone to cover for vacation or a call off. <br /><br />I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do...brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-69388585340336621562009-01-25T23:14:00.003-05:002009-01-25T23:21:44.018-05:00Long time. Again.Damn I suck. I keep meaning to come back and post something, but I always seem to get side tracked. Ugh. I'm gonna throw the last two blogs I've posted elsewhere up here so y'all will be caught up. The first one is pretty damned funny, I think. The last one isn't. Heh.<br /><br />Here you go!<br /><br /><u>In Which I Am Scammed By My Only Child</u><br />(January 5, 2009)<br /><br />So, at 630 this morning, Alex came into my room and scared the shit out of me. His alarm goes off 5 minutes before mine, for some reason, and I was actually in a sound sleep. He told me that he didn't want to go to school today cuzz he hadn't slept very well. Seeing as how I was damned tired myself, I wasn't feeling the greatest and I knew it was FREEZING outside, I agreed but told him he had to go right back to bed and it wasn't gonna be something that was gonna happen regularly. He agreed to go back to sleep and I turned off my alarm, effectively assuring that I would forget to call the school to let them know he wasn't going to be there. (Yes, I completely forgot until about 5 minutes ago.)<br /><br />We played Frog Tennis and Yahtzee and he played his PS2 in his room for a bit. It was a pretty good day. He wanted to play Little Big Planet, which is what he's doing right now. <br /><br />About 5 minutes ago, I told him that he needed to stop playing the game and work on his spelling words cuzz he has spelling tests every Friday. He told me he didn't need to work on them and offered no other explanation. I told him to get to work on his spelling words before he got himself into trouble. That's when he informed me of WHY he didn't need to work on them.<br /><br />He has no school tomorrow.<br /><br />Heh. I called bullshit and made him call his grandma to make sure since she has the calender for the week. She confirmed that he has no school tomorrow.<br /><br />I texted Becky to tell her I just got played. That's when I learned just exactly how well my one and only child played me.<br /><br />He has no school Monday, either.<br /><br />*sigh* I must be losing it. I got played by an 8 year old.<br /><br />~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br /><br /><br /><u>You were a big strapping boy with a boner. Yeah i felt it when we hugged goodbye</u><br />(posted tonight, just a few minutes before this)<br /><br />So, since I MUST have a title for a blog, I figured I'd throw random song lyrics up there. That one sure as shit got your attention, didn't it? <br /><br />So, things have been relatively shitty the past couple weeks. And by that, I mean shittier than usual.<br /><br />Let's start with my birthday shall we?<br /><br />I got a shit ton of birthday wishes, which was awesome. And Becky and Bobbi came up to Patriot and made birthday EXPLODE all over the bat cave (also known as the Dispatch Office), and that was fucking awesome! I already knew I was gonna be spending that night home alone with a sick cat, so while that sucked, it wasn't cuzz I was expecting to go out and do something and then couldn't. What REALLY sucked was what happened with a pillar of the EMS community in Genesee county. Not gonna go into details or anything since anyone who would REALLY care probably already knows. Suffice it to say that the atmosphere at work that day was not ideal and with good cause. And even though no one did anything to make me feel like I did, I wound up feeling like I shouldn't have been having a birthday.<br /><br />That Saturday my mom called to let me know that my great grandmother was dieing. Seems she had a stroke the day before and didn't pull out of it. Since she was a hospice patient, she wasn't taken to a hospital or anywhere that would attempt to keep her alive. And while I understood that that was how SHE wanted it, I was a bit pissed off that she hadn't been taken to a hospital to be evaluated just to make sure that she had actually had a stroke. I didn't want her to be given anything to extend her life mind you, I knew that wasn't what she wanted, but I was pissed that there wasn't anything being done to simply determine what had actually happened. I think I was hoping that they'd find that she was gonna pull through and be ok. I went and visited her on Monday. She wasn't the gramma I knew anymore. I think she could hear me cuzz there were a few times when it looked like she was trying to crack a smile. I know that chances are really good that it was simply a slight facial tick, but I'm gonna choose she could hear what was being said and thought it was funny.<br /><br />While I was at work Wednesday, my mom called to tell me that she had passed away.<br /><br /><center><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v17/brite69/319203.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 180px;" src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v17/brite69/319203.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><i>Sallie B. Cheshire, age 87 of Durand, passed away on Wednesday, January 21, 2009. A memorial service will be held at 2:00pm on Saturday, February 7, 2009 at the Linden Lane Apartments, 3095 Linden Lane Flint, MI 48507. Pastor Ron Grindling will be officiating at the service.<br /><br />Sallie is survived by 2 children: Glenda Foster of Durand, Phillip (Jude) Smyth of Hawaii; 4 grandchildren: Tony (Christine) Foster, Bob Foster, Chris Foster, Gary (Paula) Foster; 5 great grandchildren, 1 great great grandson, Sisters: Ina Risner of TX, Carolyn Smith of MO and Brother: James Cheshire of TX.<br /><br />Memorials are suggested to the family. Online condolences may be sent at www.watkinsfuneralhomes.com</i></center><br /><br />I worked a 24 hour shift that day due to a call off. I volunteered for it so I could have the next day off. When I was trying to go home Thursday morning, my car decided to give me the big FUCK YOU and not go over 35 MPH the entire way home. I was amused to see that while my Check Engine light never came on, my ABS light did. Heh.<br /><br />Jesse was supposed to ship out to Kuwait on Friday. They delayed his platoon until Saturday. Then they delayed it again until tomorrow. He has to report by 0400. If his platoon gets delayed AGAIN (they're the only ones that have yet to ship out), Tony gets to drive down there to drive Jesse to base, since his wife and mother-in-law will be driving their only vehicle to Texas tomorrow regardless of whether or not he gets delayed again. (Kat's from Texas and her mom came up to make sure she got down there ok. She was able to extend her vacation through Monday, but she won't be able to extend it again.) Jesse called tonight was I was getting home from work. I'm proud that I didn't cry. He doesn't need that shit right now.<br /><br />On the positive side, I think I may have accomplished something at work today. It's not gonna be fixed overnight, but hopefully SOMETHING will happen soon. I'm not holding my breath, but I really think I got through.<br /><br />And that's it. Not a good couple of weeks, but hey. It could always be worse...<br /><br /><br />And if you're wondering what song I took my blog title from, here's the lyrics.<br /><br /><center><u>Asked You First</u><br /><br />by Ani Difranco<br />things can't get much weirder<br />this can't get much worse<br />don't know why you wouldn't kiss me<br />but it's a good thing i asked you first.<br /> <br />you were a big strapping boy with a boner.<br />yeah i felt it when we hugged goodbye<br />you gave me an evening i'll never forget<br />no matter how hard i try.<br /> <br />yeah you were just mister flirtatious<br />all night just workin' that ass<br />well you know it's uncool to bring it to school<br />if you don't want to share with the class<br /> <br />i am just mrs. embarrassed<br />i feel like a dirty old man<br />i've got my eye on a guy<br />that just moved out of mom's house<br />with his pretty head stuck in the sand<br /> <br />you've earned yourself a place in my memory<br />by being the one who said no<br />where are my fucking car keys <br />i think i'll just go<br /> <br />surprise surprise now you miss me<br />now that i'm not in your face<br />surprise surprise now you're calling me<br />now that you feel safe<br />do you think that i could be your prom date<br />you could do us a stiff little dance<br />except that this isn't high school, baby<br />and you had your chance<br />you had your chance<br /> <br />you've earned yourself a place in my memory<br />by being the one who said no<br />now where are my fucking car keys i think i should go<br />hey look! car keys... bye!] <br /><br /><br />things can't get much weirder<br />this can't get much worse<br />don't know why you wouldn't kiss me<br />but it's a good thing i asked you first.<br /> <br />you were a big strapping boy with a boner.<br />yeah i felt it when we hugged goodbye<br />you're leaving i'll never forget<br />no matter how hard i try<br /><br />no matter how hard i try</center><br /><br /><br />So there you have. And now you're all caught up on my world. Exciting, no?brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-90156378866228937212008-12-11T01:39:00.001-05:002008-12-11T01:40:55.968-05:00It's that time of year again... (Possibly triggering?) (And a spoiler for last night's SVU)Not sure if it will be or not, but I figure better to put the little warning in the topic than to not and have someone flip out cuzz I didn't.<br /><br />Anyway...<br /><br />I've been in an interesting place today. Well, maybe not so much interesting as it is a little later than normal. See, I've been trying to get passed everything. To finally put it out of my mind and get the fuck over it. Easier said than done. Not to say it didn't enter my thoughts, but I was determined not to write about it this year. Not to get down on myself about it this year. Mostly, I was attempting to crawl back into the warmth of blocked memories.<br /><br />I was doing ok. I was until last night at least. I love Law & Order:SVU. Have since the beginning. Sometimes the subjects upset me and send me into a bit of spiral, but typically it's nothing too major. I'm not sure if it's the time of year or the story line, but last night's episode got to me like no other. And it sent me into a not too good place.<br /><br />I've mentioned before that I repressed a lot of the rape. Hell, I'm still remembering new little details every now and again. For a long time though, it was blank. Then came the night when that asshole punk decided to slam on my back door when I was home alone. And everything came flooding back.<br /><br />The rapist character used some drug from South America (or some place similar) to drug his victims and put them into a state where they'd fight back, but they'd do whatever he wanted cuzz they were completely open to suggestion. After the fact, they'd have no memory of what happened or even having met him. It was the second victim that sent me reeling.<br /><br />She was married with a small child (a baby, I think). The detectives went to her house after having identified her as someone in a number of videos he'd made of the rapes. When they asked her about whether or not she knew him or if she had ever remembered being assaulted, she had no idea what they were talking about. Her husband came home and the detectives left. Stabler (detective) went back to the home a day or so later and showed the video to the victim's husband. She walked in the door while he was watching it and saw herself and everything started to come back to her. At one point, Olivia (another detective) went back to the victim's house and found her sitting outside. She asked things like how she was supposed to go on now that she knew what had happened. How was she supposed to get back to the way things had been and things like that. There were no answers, obviously, but the questions were still asked.<br /><br />After that, I found myself chain smoking. Those of you who know me know that I don't smoke inside if my son is home. Seems last night I didn't care. Heh. I wasn't in a real good place for the rest of the episode and in the end, three of his five victims sent him to jail. Yay, happy ending for all. What REALLY sent me reeling was the very end. He had called them dirty sluts and told them they had all wanted it. Then, as the victims were walking out, he kept screaming at them that they'd never forget him. That he's be the one who was always in their dreams.<br /><br />And I lost promptly lost it.<br /><br />I'll NEVER forget him. Not his face. Not his voice. Not his scent. Not his touch. EVERY FUCKING THING is burned into my memory. I still to this day find myself looking behind me, thinking he's coming up behind me. Sometimes I find myself stopping dead in my tracks somewhere cuzz I think I've heard his voice. I still flinch when I smell beer and cigarettes on a man's breath, which is REALLY not a good thing since Greg loves his beer and cigarettes. As long as I keep my eyes open and on Greg's face, I'm ok. Otherwise, I start to fight with out even realizing it.<br /><br />13 fucking years this month and it STILL has such a hold on me and damned near everything that I do.<br /><br />I've taken a few calls for sexual assaults in my five years of dispatching. And every time, I find myself shaking when everything is done and the crew is transporting the pt to the hospital. Thankfully I'm able to keep my shit in check. If I ever found that I couldn't, I'd quit that very day.<br /><br />So, since watching that show, I've been jumpier than normal. I've been smoking a lot more. (Usually when Alex is home, I might have 3 or 4 cigarettes the whole time. I'm into my second pack now.) And I've been drinking. Craving beer, actually. And I know that's just my mind or body's way of dealing with shit, and I also know that it's really not the best way to cope. <br /><br />At this point, I'm fighting to bury it all again or, at the very least, put it in the far reaches of my mind. I'm still waiting to be able to do the online hot line thing with RAINN. They just never seem to have classes near me so I can get the training and get started. After watching that show though, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to do something like that or if I'd lose my shit and cause someone else to lose whatever grip they might have.<br /><br />Tomorrow I'm cooking my first turkey and we're gonna set up the Christmas tree and be all happy and yay family. I'm praying that I don't ruin everything. I need to have something happy and normal happen. Something to take my mind off of this again.<br /><br />At least for a little while...brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-73231335463116564842008-10-18T16:25:00.000-04:002008-10-18T16:26:26.387-04:00Yet another tale of the freaktastic things that happen in my homesteadOk, it's no secret that random freaktacular things happen at my house. Like the time that Alex crawled into bed with me one morning and I heard my toilet flush and the water turn on like someone was washing their hands. I figured it was Becky, thinking that she must've run out of toilet paper and used the bathroom in my room. When I asked her about it (or she asked me, I can't remember) we determined that not one of us (me, her or Alex) had even been in the bathroom at that point.<br /><br />Or the time when Greg was using that bathroom in my room and my hairbrush flew from the counter and into the shower. <br /><br />And there was the night I was home all alone. I was sleeping and was abruptly woken up by my stuffed frog hitting me in the face. The frog sits at the end of my bedside table and all 5 cats (this was before Smokie) were sleeping on the side closet to the wall. No reason that frog should've hit me in the face, but it did.<br /><br />I've found the backdoor unlocked multiple times. That door is NEVER used and is locked at all times cuzz I tend to freak out a bit if it's not since it's so close to my bedroom. Well, what happened last night has been one of the more freakier things to happen, I think.<br /><br />Greg and I were sitting on the couch watching Wife Swap and making fun of how the one couple cried. A lot. Seriously, the chick from California started to cry cuzz she had arranged for a limo to take the daughter and her friends somewhere and the daughter was kinda nervous about it cuzz she'd never done anything like that before. o_O<br /><br />Anyway...<br /><br />We're sitting there on the couch ripping on the families cuzz that's what you do when you watch Wife Swap. All of a sudden there was this loud whirring noise that came from the backdoor where the washer and dryer was. I jumped and looked at Greg and asked if he'd had a load of laundry going, thinking that I just hadn't heard the washer when it was filling with water. He kinda looked at me funny and said no. I turned on the lights and went back to investigate. I ran back to the living room and told Greg that the washer was going. The fucking thing just started itself up! Seriously! There were no clothes in it and the lid was up and I could very clearly see the tub spinning. Greg went back and unplugged it and it kept going. He came back out in the living room to tell me that he'd unplugged it and he started to go back there again. He got halfway through the kitchen and it finally stopped. <br /><br />Uh... The hell?! I thought shit like that was only supposed to happen in the movies! <br /><br />And yeah, I find it kind of amusing that it happened this close to Halloween.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-63140168306000172052008-10-15T21:21:00.001-04:002008-10-15T21:23:03.838-04:00A blogging I shall go...It's been an interesting week or so around here. Jesse and Kat came up from Georgia and I got to know her a little bit. Honestly, I wish I had more time to get to know her before they left for Ft. Bragg cuzz I did most of the talking. Heh. Y'all know how I get with teh booze is involved. :-P Anyway, she actually reminds me a lot of myself, which is somewhat funny. Never thought Jesse would go for someone like ME but hey, I AM awesome, so I really shouldn't be surprised.<br /><br />A few days before the wedding, my step-dad decided it would be a good idea to get an illness that mainly affects children and damn near die. He had been at the cardiologist setting up an appt for surgery and when he left, I guess he started to have trouble breathing and swallowing. See, he got a sore throat the day before but didn't think much of it cuzz, really? He's an adult and adults get sore throats all the time and are fine. He called my mom and told her what was going on and wouldn't let her call an ambulance for him. He drove himself to the hospital. o_O Seems being stubborn means you can drive when you really shouldn't be. (Yeah, ok, so I would probably have opted to drive myself, too, if I were already on the road, like he was.) Long story short, he ended up on a vent and was told if he had gotten there 5 minutes later, he probably wouldn't have been able to be intibated. He was diagnosed with Epiglottitis, which is a swelling of that little flap at the back of your throat that keeps food from going into your windpipe when you swallow. Now, normally, this is found in kids about 2-7 years old. According to the nurses, he was the 4th adult they'd had on the floor with that condition. (Interesting little factoid for people that went to high school with me... One of his nurses during his stay? Angie Shifflet! No shit dudes! I knew she worked at Genesys cuzz I talked to her to set up an ambulance transport once, but I didn't realize that she was a nurse. And she's married, but not to Chris.) Anyway, he was on the vent for a few days and it was pretty scary to see him that way. He was VERY grey in color and he couldn't talk (obviously) and when he had to cough? You couldn't hear ANYTHING, but you could see the look of pain just wash over his face. It fucking sucked to watch. <br /><br />Thankfully, he was taken off the vent Saturday night, but not released, so the wedding was in the atrium at Genesys. Great grandma Smith was there and they were both in wheelchairs. They whole time I was trying not to giggle cuzz I had Dueling Banjos stuck in my head and could only think that they were having Dueling Wheelchairs. Trust me, it was funny.<br /><br />So, Jesse got hitched and I now have a sister-in-law. It's weird cuzz it's Jesse whose married this time and that just makes me feel old as fuck. If they pop out a kid, I think I might just have to get one of those little scooters that the Hooveround people can help me get paid for by Medicare. o_O<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SPaXXJoygZI/AAAAAAAAASg/qtPYejBfIpI/s1600-h/Picture+013.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SPaXXJoygZI/AAAAAAAAASg/qtPYejBfIpI/s400/Picture+013.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5257556038981419410" /></a><br /><br />Congratulations guys! I'll get the rest of the pictures up sometime this weekend. I think. o_Obrite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-10366513926095493362008-10-04T00:15:00.002-04:002008-10-04T00:45:53.962-04:00Oh, the drunken places you'll goSo... Long time, no bloggy blog. Yeah. I want to blame it on work, and I can somewhat cuzz there are no intarwebs at work. Well, there actually <i>is</i> internet access, but I have to limit it only to the map system until the new server is fully up and running. That's been ongoing since I hired in. Heh.<br /><br />Not anything interesting to report really. I've been hermiting it up, only venturing into the vast wilderness to go to work or take the boy to and from school. How lame am I? Seriously. Look back at some entries from this time last year and you might see that I was actually interacting with the outside world. Then again, maybe you won't. I'm not really sure since I haven't looked back myself. If this tells you anything, I'm not throwing darts this season. That should say something. Especially considering that I've been throwing darts with a league on the regular for the last 5 or 6 years.<br /><br />Yeah.<br /><br />I'm not sure <i>what</i> exactly is wrong with me lately. I'm stressed out about money. Then again, when am I <i>not</i> stressed out about money. This time though, it seems even bleaker than it has been. If you'll remember, I lost my job at the beginning of July. Yeah, I've found another, but it's for quite a bit less money and, like a dumb ass, I didn't prepare for that. Now gas prices aren't going down all that much and food costs are rising... I can't barely pay my rent and car payments let alone worry about groceries and gas to get to and from work, the boy's school (no buses for private school that I don't pay for) and the grocery store. Child support is infrequent since Matt's been dealing with health issues and what ever else that might keep him from work. And for once? I understand how he has to call off work. Ok, not hat I've been a heartless bitch or anything cuzz I <i>completely</I> understand that people get sick. It's just that lately he's had to deal with pneumonia and shit like that, so it's worse than him just calling off cuzz he's tired. (Which he's bound to be after dealing with 3 kids that aren't his everyday.)<br /><br />I don't know... Things are just REALLYREALLYREALLY rough right now. And what's worse is that after I go through all the necessary bills (excluding Sirius radio and TV cuzz those are LONG gone) I can't afford the health coverage at work, which means I'm doubly fucked. I've been with out any of my medications for months now, with no way to get them in the near future. Seems I make too much to qualify for government and/or state funded insurance, but I can't afford to have the premiums taken out of my check to get the stuff that's offered by my employer. Not that it's some spectacular insurance cuzz it's not. It's actually right up there with what I was getting with the hospital, but my current employer can't afford to pay as much as the hospital did for it. And I understand why. I mean, I'm working for a private ambulance service again, so I know they don't have the funds that a hospital does. And the people I work for are awesome. Seriously. I got something attached to my check a couple weeks back asking me what I wanted for Christmas that was more than $100. O_O The hell?! I've <i>NEVER</i> been asked that by an employer and now I'm expected to come up with something that expensive?! The only things I can come up are a $100 gas card or a $100 gift card to a grocery store. How pathetic is that?!<br /><br />And now that I don't have and can't afford health insurance? Yeah, this is when I'm actually considering the fact that I might need professional help to deal with some sort of fucking depression. Heh. Figures, right? Though, if I actually had the resources to get help? I'm damned near certain that I wouldn't. See, to ME that would be showing weakness. That I can't cope with the bullshit life hands you. And while I know that's <i>really</i> no the case here, I probably still wouldn't seek out help cuzz that's just the way my stubborn ass operates. <br /><br />Other than that, things are going... Well, they're going. The boy's teacher came up to me today to tell me that on their way home from a field trip, he threatened to kill himself. With a knife. O_O I have no idea where he even got the idea from. It's pretty disturbing. The teacher handled everything very well with me, letting me know what he said and that she didn't try to get after him about it or anything. Since this is her first year with him, she may have thought that maybe there was something going on in his head that we were taking care of or something. But, again, she handled it VERY well and I'm thankful for that. When I talked to him about it, he said that it was due to the fact that another little boy in his class wouldn't let him play his DS game. Now, I know he gets really upset when he can't play a game, but he's NEVER threatened to kill himself. When I asked about it, he said it was about the game. So I told him that's not something people threaten lightly and I told him that one of his classmates was crying cuzz hey were worried about him. (His teacher told me about that, too) He was genuinely surprised to hear that and is going to say he's sorry to his teacher on Monday. But still. HOLY SHIT!!! I need to have a conference with her to tell her about everything that's gone on with him and his dad and social services and all that shit. Ugh. Not something I'm looking forward to, but it seems I'm gonna have to go through it every year until his school decides to actually KEEP records about that sort of shit for their students.<br /><br />So, yeah... That's where I am right now. Being a hermit that goes to work. Heh. I really wish I didn't have to go to work, but there's no way we'd be able to survive if I stayed home... How sad is that shit?!brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-44162821283722667842008-08-05T01:39:00.000-04:002008-08-05T01:40:28.201-04:00HOLY SHIT!!! THE ITCHING!!!Seriously. The itching. It's itchy.<br /><br />Heh.<br /><br />I had to take some Dilaudid tonight and it makes me itchy. <br /><br />Anyway.<br /><br />I kinda boycotted the computer and the intarwebs for a bit while I was off feeling sorry for myself about random shit. Now, the computer has shown that it decided to be an asshole while I was gone and went and joined the Cult of Douche Bag Computerstology and it may force me into a boycott that I don't want any part of. We shall see, though. Tomorrow I get to make some phone calls and be a bitch and be all "Where's my money? You best give me my money! You really want me to have to slap a ho cuzz I will and you won't be pretty for a couple weeks and THEN HOW WILL YOU MAKE ME MORE MONEY YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE?!?!" and hopefully my playing my pimp card will scare them into giving me my money so the computer can be rebuilt.<br /><br />*cough*<br /><br />I got pretty used to being at home all the time. It was nice. REALLY nice. I was actually enjoying being a domestic goddess and what not. THAT fun is over. While it's nice to get out of the house, I really miss being able to stay home and do things for the boy. Like getting up and fixing him breakfast, cleaning while he was out playing, doing laundry all day, etc. Things that I absolutely abhor doing (well, cooking for the boy has always made me feel mom-like and it's pretty neat for the most part) I was really beginning to enjoy. Maybe I'll be able to do that kind of shit again some day.<br /><br />I have added another kitten to my collection. She is a little grey ball of fluff named Smokie! And I heart her like crazy cat ladies heart all kitties. I'd have pictures uploaded, but since the computer decided to become a Douch Bagologist, I can't seem to upload any.<br /><br />On a not so goofy note, my grandma is in the hospital. Seems she had a stroke on Sunday. I'll be traveling with the boy to visit her tomorrow. I don't want to go. Not cuzz I don't love her or anything like that, but those of you who know my grandma know that she's an incredibly independent and strong woman and this stroke has fucked her up. From what I hear she's slowly getting better, but I'm not used to seeing her... Not in control, I guess. That's not how I want to word it, but it's all I can seem to come up with. If she's ever not been herself, it's cuzz she either decided to drink (which was rare, but always funny) or doped up after a surgery or something. This isn't by choice or out of necessity and it freaks me out. (Also, if anyone is thinking of trying to visit her, don't. Not trying to be rude, but she's been having a lot of tests and she's requested that only family visit and it's on a very limited basis.)<br /><br />So, that's basically it. Sorry to *POOF* for a bit, but apparently it needed to be done. Now I'm off to sacrifice some tobacco to the leaders of the Cult of Douche Bag Computerstology in hopes that the computer won't be a complete hosebeast and take a giant shit on me.<br /><br /><br /><br />♥brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-75268918065009317152008-07-07T19:33:00.002-04:002008-07-07T19:35:15.770-04:00Who has 2 thumbs, a fuzzy head and NO JOB?That's right! It's THIS bitch right here!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SHKn-9zm6jI/AAAAAAAAAMs/4GMWlRUk_U8/s1600-h/IMG_2044.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://bp1.blogger.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SHKn-9zm6jI/AAAAAAAAAMs/4GMWlRUk_U8/s400/IMG_2044.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5220419618260576818" /></a><br /><br />Seems that the hospital thinks it'll be cheaper to pay another company to dispatch rather than paying me to work 80 hours a week. Heh. Well, ok. In the long run, they're going to be saving money. I think it's the first of October when they would have had to have had a CAD system and all sorts of other fancy shit in place in order to compliant with county protocols and that would have been a shit ton of money. So they will actually be saving money there. <br /><br />Anyway.<br /><br />Am I pissed? Not so much now as I was last Monday when I was told. I worked up in Sagnasty to make sure the other company knew how to do my job (they have a full dispatch center, but all the crap we knew about transporting for the hospital, they didn't. It's actually quite a bit different than how they handle the hospital transports up there.) and it actually wasn't all that bad. Not what I was expecting at all. Depending on what I'm able to negotiate, I may actually wind up working there. o_O<br /><br />So, right now I'm just kinda sitting back. I signed all my paperwork today, so I am now officially unemployed. I'm not liking that I'm not sure how I'll be getting money, but right now, I'm not all that concerned. I mean, I <i>did</i> get a severance package (which came with a confidentiality agreement, so don't ask) and I'll be ok for a bit. I kinda want to just take the summer off and hang out with the boy. I'd totally do just that if I wasn't afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a job when I was done bumming around and sponging off the government. Mmm... Unemployment benefits. Well, that and the whole needing medical insurance thing. Heh. I've got prospects, though, so that's encouraging. Oakland County is hiring and I'm gonna throw my name in the hat for Genesee and Flint fire. And, not to sound all full of myself or anything, I'm pretty sure I can go to any private company that needs a dispatcher and have a job. After all, it's not that often that someone who's already AEMD certified walks in looking for work.<br /><br />Tomorrow I talk to the other company and see what they can offer. I have quite a few other phone calls to make as well. It'll all work itself out. Hell, I'll probably wind up some place better, where I'm not pissed off just thinking about having to walk in the door.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-75669827813231396342008-06-29T08:18:00.002-04:002008-06-29T08:28:23.636-04:00Help Save 1-800-SUICIDE<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/L_Ir2_47_LI&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/L_Ir2_47_LI&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br /><a href="http://www.hopeline.com/">As taken from hopeline.com</a><br /><br /><i>1-800-SUICIDE marks its tenth anniversary this year. It was founded in 1998 by Reese Butler in memory of his wife, Kristin who had committed suicide. The Kristin Brooks Hope Center has helped almost three million callers connect to help and hope.<br /><br />As they enter their second decade of service to the public, continued support is needed to ensure that the confidentiality of every caller is protected. Because they are totally privately funded, they need to prove to the government that they are capable of supporting 1-800-SUICIDE to keep control of the line from being taken over by the federal government.<br /><br />The money you donate will not only be used to pay the phone bill that connects about 50,000 callers each month to the Hopeline Network, but will also be used to pay for training of online crisis counselors who will provide the same support via online counseling. This is where the young people of today reach out for help. The success of 1-800-SUICIDE is based on individuals in crisis knowing that any personal identifiable information is kept strictly confidential. <br /><br />The Hope Center's volunteer staff and Board remain committed to preserving confidential suicide prevention programs. Your action today assures their sustainability!<br /><br />The Kristin Brooks Hope Center and its national 1-800-SUICIDE hotline is a great asset to our society - one of those private-sector initiatives called a "point of light." For reasons of their own, certain officials within the government tried to snuff that light. With your help and support together we can prevent that tragedy from occurring and help the Hopeline achieve success in liberating 1-800-SUICIDE from government control permanently.</i><br /><br /><br />This is definitely something worth saving. If you've ever found yourself in the grips of a depression so deep that you've considered taking that final step, then you understand exactly how vital it is to have some place to reach out to for help. Sometimes friends and family simply aren't enough. Or, they simply aren't there when you need them. At any rate, this is such a good thing that to lose it would be a great detriment. <br /><br />I'm sure that a lot of you who come across this have also seen this at <a href="http://postsecret.blogspot.com/">PostSecret</a>. I'm sure that you've also read the e-mail/letter from Casie at the end of the site. That's just one person's story of being helped. Think of the millions of others who've called and been helped. Then think of the millions of people who won't get to receive that help should t he government get it's hands on it. I know I wouldn't be very likely to call if I couldn't be promised that what ever I said wouldn't be kept private and confidential.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-22841262427012755642008-06-23T18:21:00.002-04:002008-06-23T18:32:54.387-04:00Meh.I'm in a... Funk, I suppose. Not really sure what other word applies here. <br /><br />I had a good weekend off. Lots of beer, lots of friends.<br /><br />I held together rather well. No random drunken tears (which seem to be abundant lately) and no actual fights. I had my old tattoo on my forehead that called to all the dirty old men. (Especially this one dude who kept trying to talk to me about Vietnam. At one point, a friend of mine made me go to the bar while he went to the bathroom and had strategically placed himself in between us so he didn't bother me anymore.) All in all, it was a good weekend. <br /><br />And all my stupid <i>What If</i> thoughts are bouncing around in my head. I play all sorts of scenarios of what <i>might've</i> happened if I had done this or that or the other thing. And I <i>know</i> it's pointless, but I can't stop.<br /><br />So I've worked myself into this... Funk. Bleh. What's new, eh?<br /><br />At least I giggle and imagine disco whenever I type out Funk. :-Pbrite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-37646184185409695682008-06-17T16:28:00.004-04:002008-06-17T16:46:28.171-04:0030 Minutes and Counting...Until I get to leave and go pick up my boy for baseball. This will be the first time I'll have seen him since I dropped him off at his gramma's house last Wednesday night. He's probably like 5ft 7in now. o_O<br /><br />So it looks like I'll be on this 7 days a week thing until, at least, the second week of July. The hospital hasn't approved the job openings for dispatch yet (which, really? They're <i>already</I> vacant. What the hell is there to approve?), which will take a couple weeks. Then it'll take, like, another 2 weeks for the jobs to be posted. But see, they have to be posted <i>internally</i> (which means strictly with in the hospital) first, so that's <i>another</i> 2 weeks. Then they can be posted to the public. Then there's the interview process, which could take however long they want it to. After that, there's <i>at least</i> a month's worth of training. All that crap will put a new hire in and ready to go in about 4 or 5 months. >_< In the mean time, it seems my boss and the girl who does QA have been reassigned to dispatch. I think I'll still be on 7 days a week, but I think that my hours won't be <i>quite</i> so long. (I have four 12 hour and three 9 hour shifts a week. Except this week. Two 12 hour shifts, one 16 hour shift, one 9 hour shift and then three 12 hour shifts. Then I get to have my precious paid time off I put in for oh so long ago.) I dunno, we'll see how it plays out. In the mean time, I'm paying off EVERYTHING that I can and just going from there.<br /><br />my stimulus check should be in my mailbox any day now, according to a letter I got from the IRS last week. Once I get that bad boy, I'm buying a stationary bike and an Ab-Lounge. Cuzz I <i>want</i> them. And I will <i>use</i> them. Even Greg said he'd use the Ab-Lounge, so that'll be awesome. He thinks he's getting fat cuzz he's gained like 30 lbs since he moved in with me. Um... Yeah... I think he's a big fat liar cuzz he's still ultra skinny. He likes to grab his tummy and tell me it's a fat roll. And then. THEN. I chuckle at him and tell him that until his tummy can become <i>two</i> tummies while wearing pants, he has no room to talk. And then he rubs my tummy and tells me I'm not fat and then I yell at him to stop rubbing my belly cuzz I AM NOT A TREASURE TROLL DAMN IT YOU ASSHOLE! It's a vicious cycle we repeat once a day when we see each other.<br /><br />I'm seriously considering getting a pedicure. This is HUGE for me since I am so weird about feet. I've been thinking about getting one for, like, 3 months, but whenever I go to get my nails done and try to write that I want a pedicure, too, I have a mini-panic attack cuzz HOLY SHIT THEY'LL TOUCH MY FEET!! And then I sit down with out writing pedicure cuzz I am a chicken shit.<br /><br />And I'm out of ideas. Nothing else has been happening. Well, I <i>did</i> try to fight this douche bag with a mullet and a purple shirt at the Iron Maiden concert in Ohio Thursday and I may or may not have spent the 2 HOURS we sat in the parking lot waiting to fucking move screaming "I FUCKING HATE OHIO THIS PLACE SUCKS!!!" out the window in an alcohol induced haze.<br /><br />But that's not exciting...brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-54163898040111322662008-06-09T08:36:00.001-04:002008-06-09T08:46:00.613-04:00A blog entry got me thinking...<a href="http://whitecoatrants.wordpress.com/2008/06/08/make-it-stop/">I couldn't have said it better if I tried</a><br /><br />Obviously, there are differences between me and the author. I've been regularly taking Dilaudid for damned near 6 months now and he won't touch anything harder than Motrin. Trust me, if Motrin or Tylenol or anything similar touched my pain, I'd be all over it. <br /><br />Over the last five years, I've found that I've lost my drive to do anything more than simply leave the house. I used to take my son to the park every day I was with him. Now he's lucky if I even go out in the yard with him. If we do anything together, I'm often sitting on the sidelines watching HIM do something, rather than actually running with him. I've found that he really loves playing video games with me. I think it's due to the fact that it's something we can do <i>together</i> rather than it being the video game itself.<br /><br />I've also found that I tend to slip into a depressive state more often that I used to. And that the slips are getting worse every time. I've recently been put on <a href="https://www.harvardpilgrim.mimrx.com/harvard/pdr_log.asp?mscssid=991069765223&product_name=AMITRIPTYLINE+HCL&gpi=58200010100310&drug1=AMITRIPTYLIN+TAB+25LG++++">Amitriptylin</a>, which is an anti-depressant that is also used to treat chronic pain. On the leaflet from the pharmacy, I was told to watch for suicidal ideations and report them to my doctor ASAP. While I haven't noticed anything that drastic, I have noticed that I've been feeling more out of whack emotionally. I watched <u>The Mist</u> the other night and had to fight from sobbing when the little boy was crying cuzz he was scared. That doesn't seem normal to me. Neither does damned near losing it over a fucking commercial. Yet that's where I'm at.<br /><br />I never know day to day if I'm gonna be able to go to work or get the boy up and around or whatever the hell I have to do that day. Mostly I force myself to go through the motions. And that gets me angry. And I find myself getting pissy with everyone around me. Then I get down on myself even more. Eventually that all leads to me slipping back into a depressive state. It's a vicious circle that I can't seem to stray from.<br /><br />Five years... I wonder how many more years I can actually take before I effectively lose it?brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-61949189965561103882008-05-29T21:51:00.002-04:002008-05-29T21:53:20.139-04:00After YEARS of threatening...I finally did it. When my hair came out in clumps when I washed it this morning, I figured now was as good a time as any.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Anyone who tries to call me Britney is gonna get kicked in the junk. That goes for girls, too. The way I figure it, if a girl is gonna try to do that, they must be packin some balls somewhere! :-P<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SD9dzMS79hI/AAAAAAAAAMk/RdJW8-P7GJE/s1600-h/IMG_1977.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SD9dzMS79hI/AAAAAAAAAMk/RdJW8-P7GJE/s400/IMG_1977.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5205982828318946834" /></a><br /><br />I don't think it looks <i>too</i> bad...brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-23305529390225826262008-05-28T03:22:00.001-04:002008-05-28T03:22:53.400-04:00In which I foresee my own demise. At 3AM. And it SUCKSSo, I just got to work and I was happily surfing the intarwebs.<br /><br />And then. THEN! I was ATTACKED by a fucking millipede!<br /><br />Ok, so maybe I wasn't attacked. All I know is I was sitting, happily minding my own business and waiting for my coffee to brew, when the EMT that's on right now jumped back from his paperwork. I looked over and proceeded to shriek like a little fucking girl.<br /><br />Dudes. That thing was GINORMOUS!<br /><br />And we lost it. No clue where it went.<br /><br />I'm going to be killed and eaten by a GINORMOUS MILLIPEDE today.<br /><br />Keep me in your thoughts.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-91817657120279269152008-05-27T03:07:00.000-04:002008-05-27T03:08:29.673-04:00Sitting at work alone in the quietOk, so it's not <i>completely</i> quiet. The scanner is going and it's telling me all about how the city is exploding since it was warm today. There have been a shit ton of suicide attempts and threats, shit tons of drunk people being assholes, the occasional frequent flier... All normal bullshit that happens when the weather turns summery. Last night there was drag racing on I-475. That was different.<br /><br />I'm not liking having bangs. I had bangs in junior high and my forehead was like one giant zit. It would appear that I had forgotten about that and now I am pissed off at my forehead. It hasn't reached zit meltdown proportions yet, but it is icky greasy and I feel a compulsive need to blot it with toilet paper every 5 minutes or so. I'm really kicking around giving myself a buzz cut tomorrow (ok, technically today) when I get home from work. Will I actually do it? We'll see how pissy I am when I get home. I think it would actually not look <i>that</i> horrible. I mean, I don't think the baldness would be that big of an issues, really. The spots aren't completely bald, they're just very, very thin. I dunno. I think I could make it work. I wonder if Greg has the attachments to his head buzzer thingie...<br /><br />I broke out the shorts for the first time this year, though they aren't the ones I wanted. I couldn't find those. (One of these days I may take a picture of my bedroom in hopes that by posting it on here, I'll be embarrassed enough to clean the fucker. I kinda wanna see my floor again, too.) I <i>did</i> come across a couple pair of shorts that I wore back in 2003 (I know this cuzz I wore them when I had my picture taken with Shaun the last time. Damn I'm unhealthy in the head) I got a little depressed when I realized that I am FAR bigger now than I was then. This means that I'll be going into my MUST-LOSE-WEIGHT-NOW phase. Maybe it'll actually last more than a week. Heh. I started exercising and shit a couple weeks back, but with all the fucked up hours I've been working, I stopped in favor of making the sleep. <br /><br />I wish all this damned overtime was making a dent in my bills, but after taxes, I'm losing about $500 a paycheck. Seriously. A few paychecks back, I had to call off work and was a bit fucked up on Dilaudid and I called up to the basse to let them know I wouldn't be coming in that morning. I then instructed one of the medics to open my pay stub cuzz I didn't have enough money and needed more. hehehe. He made me repeat the request a few times just to be sure I was really asking him to do that cuzz it's a pretty big No-No with out permission. I just don't understand how I can gross $1400 and only bring home just over $800. Ok, so $60 gets taken out every check for medical insurance and to go into my retirement fund but DAMN! That's only $60! Fucking government stealing my money and then telling me that they want me to go shopping. Fuckers.<br /><br />I wish my stimulus check would just hurry up and fucking get here already. I have to wait until the end of June, though. <br /><br />I'm debating on switching over to 3rd shift. I mean, it'd be kind of ideal with the insomnia and all, but I'm just not sure how I can swing the child care. Especially with summer break coming up in 2 weeks. I mean, if I could get the days I wanted, it shouldn't be a problem, but I can almost promise that wouldn't happen. I mean, I have teh bewbs and apparently, that means that no matter how much time I have in at this place, I automatically get fucked over. When I got taken off weekends, the other daytime dispatcher (which is a guy) was able to dictate which weekends he would work, based on his custody arrangement. When I mentioned that I was going to have issues with MY custody arrangement, I was told that he (my boss) couldn't take that into consideration cuzz it would be showing favoritism. heh. Isn't that just fucking ducky? Who knows, though? Maybe I'll be able to work it out. If I can, I'll get an 8% premium, so that'll mean more money. It's not much (if I did the math right, which I probably didn't), but it's something.<br /><br />Damn. I feel incredibly boring. I feel like I should have tales of... Something. Lately it seems all I do is bitch about work and other assorted adult bullshit. Ugh.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-469350837898276672008-05-23T17:42:00.002-04:002008-05-23T18:21:27.829-04:00I'm sleeping my life awayExcept not. <br /><br />I went home after my last 16 hr shift (I believe that was Wednesday, but I'm not completely sure. The days have all begun to bleed together and I'm having difficulty tell the difference.), promptly ate a cow and layed on the couch to watch DVRed CSI. I didn't even make it through my first episode before I was out cold. I don't remember Greg coming home from work (he got out at 1000) or even moving from the couch to my bedroom. I <i>do</i> remember waking up just in time to pick the kidling up from school. When I woke up and looked at my phone, I saw that they had been trying to get me to work due to a call off. Heh. I feel bad for sleeping through my phone, but I obviously needed some sleep. I was back in at 3AM this morning, once again, with out sleeping at all the night before. I think it went a bit better, though, since I slept for, like, 15 hrs.<br /><br />I've started popping the new pills for the Interstitial Cystitis today. My mommy came up and dropped them off to me cuzz I am teh suck when it comes to remembering to get my prescriptions. I had to wait a bit to take them cuzz I have to do so on an empty stomach, no more than 1 hr prior to eating and no less than 2 hrs after eating. I had my crew hijack some cake from the celebration at the main hospital for EMS Week, so I had to wait. Seems they might just make me dizzy. Not sure if I'm actually dizzy at the moment or just having one of those retarded days when it comes to typing. I've had to type out the same sentence like 5 times! o_O<br /><br />Tell me, when you have a job and someone tells you that you need to do something, like inform them of where the hell you are, would you do it? Or would you continuously IGNORE what you were told? Honestly, if it were ME, I would do as I was told cuzz I wouldn't be too big of an asshat to realize that the reason I was being told to let someone know where I was would be to not only allow the other person to DO THEIR JOB, but to also ensure my safety, should the need arise. Guess I just happen to realize that there's typically a very LOGICAL and VALID reason to say something like that to someone.<br /><br />I <i>finally</i> got my nails done yesterday. I had to take the poor boy child with me. He was very good, as he was the one other time I had to take him. This time, he had questions, though. The first one was to ask if the guy doing my nails was famous cuzz he was REALLYREALLYREALLY sure he had seen him on a game show once. The next one was to ask why they all looked like they came from another country. Uh... Cuzz they did, was my response and the couple people that worked there that heard him giggled a little. When he asked why, I told him that all sorts of different people wanted to live here for a variety of reasons and that a lot of times, they prefer to keep that to themselves, which is their right. Everyone seemed pleased with that response and now I feel like Mommy of the Freakin Year! I'm so damned awesome.<br /><br />I find myself wandering through stores, attempting to buy things I don't really need. I mean, I can always use new clothes, cuzz, really? I only have a few things that I wear. And I'm kinda tired of rotating them all the time. And I've been leaning towards more girly type things, which is kinda scary. My hormones are still feeling like they're all outta whack, so maybe that has something to do with it. Bleh.<br /><br />Oh hay! My pictures from Five Finger Death Punch! Let me shows you them! (Or attempt to. I always seem to have trouble loading them correctly from my picture hosting place.)<br /><br /><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/seetherluv/IMG_1960.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/seetherluv/IMG_1960.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/seetherluv/IMG_1959.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/seetherluv/IMG_1959.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><a href="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/seetherluv/IMG_1956.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px;" src="http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/seetherluv/IMG_1956.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />Huzzah! I do believe it worked! That's me with the guitar (or possibly bass) player, drummer and lead singer. The singer really liked the necklace my brother gave me when he graduated basic training. It's a replica dog tag that has the ARMY logo and says Proud Sister on the front and his name on the back. I had to put it around my wrist after the show cuzz my skin decided to HATE ME and become allergic to the chain it's on. Damned skin.<br /><br />And now I am off to smoke more cigarettes and await my replacement. Then I am off to get Chinese and become glued to my couch. MY COUCH! Whee ha mother fucker. Whee ha.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-70292711229527809642008-05-21T14:50:00.002-04:002008-05-21T15:07:42.615-04:00My chair keeps sinking slowly. It makes me feel short.For realz, yo. I've been sitting here, trying to keep my mind entertained, and the next thing I know, I'm practically sitting on the floor with my knees up to my chin. Either the chair is broken or I have become so fluffy that the chair can no longer support said fluff. Since I have not appeared to have added any fluff to my already fluffy frame, I'm going with the chair being broken.<br /><br />Seems I like the word fluff and/or fluffy today.<br /><br />*cough*<br /><br />So, I'm on my 3rd pot of coffee. I've also had 2 Red Bulls and a couple caffeine pills. Unfortunately, I'm not feeling wired. I am going back and forth between the hunger, though.<br /><br />See, I <i>knew</i> I needed to be in to work at 3AM today. I made attempts to sleep and all were in vain. So, I've been up well oer 24 hrs and I still have, like, 4 hrs left in my shift. Sucks to be me.<br /><br />I got to see <a href="http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=105043">Five Finger Death Punch</a> and it was AWESOME!!! I'd post pictures of me with some of the band members, but the home computer is being retarded and freezing up every time I try to upload anything. Greg thinks the hard drive is getting ready to kick it. Heh.<br /><br />So, I've been working and working and working and working some more. Someone got fired and there's overtime to be had. There was overtime to be had before, since the person who got told not to come back went out on sick leave for a bit, but now it's definite. Er. Yeah... At any rate, I'm looking at working 16 hr shifts damned near <i>every</i> shift, so I shall have even more of no life than before. It's ok, though. I figure I'll snag as much OT as I can right now and get everything caught up and what not and then I can file unemployment (if and) when the outsourcing happens and look for another job then. Hopefully it won't be too difficult, since they're gonna need dispatchers when this ordinance goes into place, but we shall see.<br /><br />I need to get my nails done. I've got, like, a months worth of growth going on, so not only do they LOOK gnarly, but they're making me type like I'm on crack.<br /><br />That's pretty much it. I smell my own feet, but they smell like new shoes, so it's cool.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-29022401021476828332008-05-16T22:54:00.000-04:002008-05-16T22:55:10.071-04:00My, oh my, you know it just won't stopSo, I <i>should</i> be out drinking beer at a going away party for one of my dart throwing peoples. <br /><br />Care to guess where I am instead?<br /><br />Yeah... There was a call off, so I'm at work. Ugh. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I actually had plans tonight. Figures.<br /><br />I decided last night that I needed to buy some crap to make myself feel cute. Or something. I wound up with a few tank tops, a new pair of shoes, some make up, a new purse... I can't remember what else off the top of my head, but I got some other crap, too. Now I wish I wouldn't have. See, I was told by my boss today that my job is going to be outsourced soon.<br /><br />Heh. When it rains it fucking pours, I guess.<br /><br />He <i>did</i> say that I could apply with this other company and that they have 2 slots open. Thing is, I'd have to enroll in the EMT class that's starting this coming Monday. Now, I don't have a problem getting my basic license, I've actually been considering it for some time. What has always stopped me, and what's stopping me now, is the fact that I would be in class on my days off, working on the days I'm not in class and then doing clinicals whenever I had a free moment. That wouldn't be a problem if I weren't a mom who, oh I don't know, didn't like seeing her kid or anything. Truth be told, I kinda love the hell outta the little shit and would like to actually be there while he's growing up. So, since this other company requires their dispatchers to not only be EMD certified, which I am, but also be a licensed EMT, I won't be applying with them. Hopefully I can get in with either county or city 911, but from everything I've been able to find, they're not hiring. At least not until this stupid <a href="http://blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/newsnow/2007/11/county_gives_tentative_approva.html">Overhaul of the EMS system</a> gets going and they figure out whether or not it's going to work or if they'll need more dispatchers (which they will, trust me). The overhaul isn't supposed to take place until at <i>least</i> Jan. 2009. Then again, it'll probably be a couple more years after that since there's a shit ton of companies suing over the whole thing. At any rate, I'm probably looking at playing the waiting game.<br /><br />If I didn't have to worry about Matt having a fit if I oved out of state, I could go anywhere in the country and answer 911 calls. The certification I have allows me to do that. Hell, if I <i>really</i> wanted to, I could advance myself farther and get the international certification and move to fucking Canada. Matt would never allow that, though. Heh. <br /><br />Ya know, I was actually starting to feel a little better. Guess I'll just wait and see what the third shit storm will be...brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-86233541271573245212008-05-12T11:40:00.002-04:002008-05-12T12:04:31.264-04:00So. <br /><br />Haven't updated in a while. Haven't really felt the urge. Haven't felt the words. Every time I sit down to type, it just feels like bullshit. Heh.<br /><br />There's not gonna be much to this update, either. Just don't really have much to say.<br /><br />Or maybe I do. I'm simply not sure yet. I must admit, I've been hesitant about even writing about this here. And I'm not sure why. <br /><br />I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it. I mean, I've been perfectly clear about not wanting anymore babies. Cuzz I'm full of the selfish and what not. That, and I've been fairly certain that I could no longer have the babies. Heh. <br /><br />Seems I was wrong about that. For the most part anyway. I can hardly bring myself to even type up that I had a miscarriage. Not sure if it's cuzz I'm not completely sure how I feel about it or what. What really sucks is that I didn't even realize I was pregnant until, like, the day before, so chances are really good that I'm the reason for the miscarriage. Heh.<br /><br />So, that's that I guess. Maybe now I can get that hysterectomy...brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-45477796934564177852008-05-01T22:06:00.003-04:002008-05-01T22:15:03.847-04:00NEW HAIR!!!!And the look of PermaExhaustion. o_O<br /><br />So, I basically got incredibly bored with my hair. I originally had new hair a couple weeks ago, but I got bored with that with the quickness, so I ended up with the newEST hair yesterday. I'm still trying to figure out how to style it and what not.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp362j1jYI/AAAAAAAAAME/Q7Y0pSpRdeg/s1600-h/IMG_1902.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp362j1jYI/AAAAAAAAAME/Q7Y0pSpRdeg/s400/IMG_1902.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5195596973087231362" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp37Wj1jZI/AAAAAAAAAMM/G1BTAWN1Fl4/s1600-h/IMG_1904.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp37Wj1jZI/AAAAAAAAAMM/G1BTAWN1Fl4/s400/IMG_1904.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5195596981677165970" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp37mj1jaI/AAAAAAAAAMU/rQhkWFszY_I/s1600-h/IMG_1908.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp37mj1jaI/AAAAAAAAAMU/rQhkWFszY_I/s400/IMG_1908.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5195596985972133282" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp372j1jbI/AAAAAAAAAMc/2HZxNWu3bKw/s1600-h/IMG_1909.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_XXFkUQOSAfo/SBp372j1jbI/AAAAAAAAAMc/2HZxNWu3bKw/s400/IMG_1909.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5195596990267100594" /></a><br /><br />So, you can <i>kinda</i> see some of the hair loss in the first one, but not too bad. I was able to hide it relatively well in the pictures. Unfortunately, the color I picked and the length seem to amplify the scalp in all of it's butt-ass-white glory. Guess that's what I get for having a hate/hate relationship with the sun. LOL<br /><br />Next week I start new meds that are gonna make me lose even more hair, so while this cut isn't exactly the most flattering, I think it'll make seeing Bald Leslee a little less shocking. Heh. I think once I figure out how to make it look like I want, it'll look a lot better.brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9791835.post-75802368142534234032008-04-28T12:24:00.002-04:002008-04-28T12:44:37.211-04:00TAGGED!!!By Cricket, who's in my little list o' people I stalk on the intarwebs. ---><br /><br />On to the meme.<br /><br /><strong>My roommate and I</strong> once read passages from a cheesy romance novel to a guy I was seeing at the time. I laughed so hard as he was getting ready to leave that I may or may not have peed a little. o_O<br /><br /><strong>Never in my life</strong> have I had a lot of money. Always had just enough to get by.<br /><br /><strong>High school</strong> was a cloud of smoke.<br /><br /><br /><strong>When I am nervous</strong> I am either stone silent or will talk non-stop. Seems to depend on the situation. Also, I chain smoke if I'm able.<br /><br /><strong>My hair is</strong> far too thin for my taste. <br /><br /><strong>When I was 5</strong> I broke my arm trying to do a cartwheel. <br /><br /><strong>By this time next year I will</strong> hopefully be living somewhere else. Cheaper rent (or possibly a house payment) would be awesome.<br /><br /><strong>My ideal breakfast is</strong> a cheese omlette and biscuits and gravy.<br /><br /><strong>If you visit my hometown, you'd see</strong> Shit tons of railroad tracks and a huge depot.<br /><br /><strong>If you spend the night at my house, you have to</strong> be willing to deal with 5 cats that will lay on you at one point or another during your stay.<br /><br /><strong>My favourite blond</strong> is uh... Britney? *shrug*<br /><br /><strong>My favourite brunette</strong> is Shaun Morgan. (And yes, he counts cuzz the red in his hair is about as natural as mine. :-P)<br /><br /><strong>The animal I would like to see flying</strong> is a squirell cuzz it always makes me giggle.<br /><br /><strong>I shouldn’t eat</strong> so much damned ice cream.<br /><br /><strong>Last night</strong> played Wario on the Wii. And it was FUN.<br /><br /><strong>I’ve been told I look like </strong> Jodi Foster, back before i started coloring my hair.<br /><br /><strong>If I could have any car it would be</strong> a forest green Blazer with tan interior and all the bells and whistles. (I've wanted the same car since I was 15)<br /><br /><br /><br />Hmm... I dunno who to tag, so if you wanna do it, then by all means! I'm off to drink some more water and maybe see if I can swallow some salt and see if it helps my throat. :-(brite69http://www.blogger.com/profile/18051491273509131714noreply@blogger.com0