Random Thoughts...

So, it seems I was the one with PMS yesterday. Damned uterus.

Matt got his W-2 Friday as well. Yay! Now, if he would just call me back like NOW and tell me when the appointment is that he was supposed to set up yesterday, I will be happy.

I want a new cell phone. I want to buy it NOW. I want one that won't fall apart completely when it hits the ground. Nothing fancy, just durable.

I need new boots for work. these boots smell like dirty feet and ass.

ASS.

I wanna go out and have a date. Greg does not seem to understand. e tells me that I was just out on Wednesday. Yes, I was out on Wednesday, but that was for darts. And he didn't stay beyond the league part of the night. Bastard.

I want to not have finacial responsibilities anymore. Forever. Everything shall be free for Leslee and her people.

I need to start a cult. I want a following of people. That way, when I say, "my people", outsiders don't look at me and giggle like I'm insane. They will be scared cuzz they will know that I actually have "people" and they shouldn't fuck with me. Or my people.

I want to play Silent Hill again. NOW. I just saw the preview for the movie today, which comes out this spring by the way. I've decided I NEED to see this movie.

I want to see all the people I've not seen in a while. People from high school, people not from high school. You know, people. O_o

I need to lose weight. I've kinda let myself "go" or whatever. When I get my part of the tax refund, I'm gonna become a meth mommy. Or not. I'm leaning more toward the not due to the whole drug testing at work and not wanting my son to be a druggie, but we'll see which wins out. Feel free to create a pool for bets. Winner must split the pot with me.

I'm feeling extremely random today. And sarcastic. not enough coffee? Perhaps. PMS? Most likely.

I discovered a guilty pleasure of mine that I had forgotten about this morning. I love Phil Collins. And mechanics. Mhmm.

I also have this thing for nerds. There are not enough nerds in the world.

I think I'll read my paper now...

So, I've signed up foor this blogline thing. I dunno... It seems way more simple to just mark the blogs I read in my favorites list and go from there. I can't get the thing to recognize my own blog address! O_o So, so confused. I am beginning to believe that all things technological hate me. LOL

I have decided that I may not be destined to drive a car. At least one that is reliable. In the past month, I have had 3 random things happen to the car my mother lent me that I have never heard of happening to other people. Check this out:

~ About a month ago, I'm driving to work. There's snow and the roads suck. They're slushy and slick, so I'm driving slow and I have the wipers on. I'm silently cussing out the wiper blade on the driver side for missing a ginormous spot directly in my line of vision. As I go through an intersection, I watch said wiper disappear. Not that odd? I'm not talking about merely the blade deciding to fly away on a whirl wind adventure. Oh no. The entire windshield wiper flew off the car. The blade and the arm. O_o

~ Just this past week, I was taking my son to school. I get there, take him to class and get back in the car. I back up and hear this metal on metal clanging sound. I look around at everything in my immediate view, particularly to my left, since that seemed to be where the sound was coming from. I don't see anything, so I figured I'd probably run over something. I continue on my way. I drive maybe a foot and the top of the driver side door drops. I pulled into a parking space and open the door to find that the pin had fallen out. The bottom one is still there, but the top one is lodged between the body of the car and the door itself. Ok, my mom warned me that might happen. I tried to get the pin, but it was reallyreallyreally stuck. I got a pen from my purse and tried to dislodge it. This sends it flying somewhere into the car body, never to be seen again. I drive home, holding my car door on.

~ I make Greg go to the car store while I'm at work on Friday. The pin itself only cost around $6, but I was beyond broke and had to wait till I got paid. He got the pin, but for some reason didn't think to try to put it in the door during the day. Heh. Ok. He came to pick me up from work and we went out for dinner. We get home and attempt to fix the door in the cold, cold Michigan night. I hold the flashlight. I'm guessing this is due to the Greg man and strong, Leslee girl and frail and weak mentality, but whatever. I was cold and didn't much care at that point, long as the door was fixed so I could get to work in the morning. After a few minutes of cussing and pounding, the pin is in. VICTORY! I start talking about how I'll rearrange the cars in the driveway before I leave for work the next morning when I notice the door is not staying closed. We are perplexed. The door is level now, everything should be good. Upon further investigation, the reason is discovered. You know where that part of the door is that latches and keeps it closed? Yeah... Maybe you can show me where the one for that door is cuzz it is completely gone. No idea how or why, it's just gone.

*facepalm*

Ugh. So I had to call my mommy at 1130 Friday night since the car gave me the big Fuck You. I asked if she could either take me to work or bring me oil for my actual car and help me open the hood, since opening it by popping the mechanism that keeps it locked and then manually opening it is not a luxury I've enjoyed for over a year. She says ok, asks when she needs to be there, laughs at me (Thanks mom) and then goes back to bed. At this point, I'm pissed off at the cars and I go to bed as well.

This brings us to Saturday. Keeping up?

I wake up a little later than I wanted, but with plenty of time to get my coffee going and not have to rush through my washing ritual. I'm a freak who hates the quiet, so I put my make up on in the living room with the TV on. Since I can't wear my contacts until I actually get ones that are not 2 week disposables going on year numeral 2, I listen to the news or other various things. I had the Today show on and I hear a story about 3 kids in turkey who died from the bird flu. I had just put my glasses on so I could find my foundation and looked up in time to see the 3 little graves. And the floodgates opened with a vengeance! Suddenly I was crying over everything. Those poor kids and their families, the miner in West Virginia who lived and those who didn't, the weather being fucked up. Yes, the weather made me cry. Can anyone say Hello Hormones? That's all I can come up with. So, I finally get myself calmed down and apply my face and finish getting ready for work. I'm having some coffee and a cigarette, thinking my mommy would be there at any moment to take me to work, when my phone rings. The display says Mommy-Home. Uh oh. It's my step-dad calling to let me know that she's on her way but the roads are horrible, so I might want to call and let my boss know I'm probably gonna be a little late. Ok. I call and tell him I shouldn't be more than a few minutes late. This is at 805. I stood in my living room, alternating between pacing and rocking back and forth from foot to foot, until 840. Shift change is at 9AM and it's at least a 45 minute drive. Yay. So, we're on our way and I'm thinking my mom is just being overly cautious. That is, until we actually hit the road. WOW. You could see the sheet of ice that covered the roads. I think her top speed was 30MPH. It was mildly entertaining to watch the big 4x4 trucks pass us all pissy-like, only to spin out just a bit up the road. What was really amusing was waving to them as we drove by. Heheh. I got to work 1/2 an hour late. My boss was surprisingly understanding. Since he doesn't drive, he can sometimes be an asshole when people are late due to road conditions. You can never leave too early, ya know. it took my mother over 2 1/2 hours to make a trip that should've maybe lasted 1 1/2 tops.

Get home last night and Greg and I put oil in Cassie, my for real car. We let her run a bit and she starts sounding like her old self instead of a diesel truck. Awesome. I go outside this morning before I get dressed to let her warm up. I get dressed, guard the headlight I got for Christmas and we're off. Everything is fine, though she is ticking when I accelerate and stalling when I stop. Could just be the battery needs charged up a bit since she hasn't really been driven in a month or so. I'm toolin along when a cop passes me in the opposite lane. Meh. I look in my rear view to see the cop pull a U-ey and then get up on my ass like I was running from a crime scene. Then, he waits. Like 5 minutes to pull me over. O_o He comes up to the window and I've got my license out already. He asks if I know that I don't have any headlight. I looked at him slightly confused and say that I had my parking lights on cuzz it wasn't that dark and if I can avoid drawing attention to the gaping hole in the front of my car, I will. He kinda chuckled and asked if I was gonna get it fixed anytime soon. I proudly held up my new headlight and said I was hoping it would be fixed when I was at work. He found that very comical and let me go on my merry way. I discovered on my drive to work, that everytime I need to stop, Cassie stalls. Toward the tail end of the trip, she was stalling out at 25MPH and just around the corner from work, it took me 3 tries to get her to stay started. She also ticks when I accelerate. I think my poor, poor Cassie may be getting ready to go to pretty green car Heaven.

So, that's been my weekend. I also found out that my ex-husband will essentially be getting a slap on the wrist from the ARMY. I guess his recruiter cousin was able to pull some strings. He'll be in Kentucky for 5 days and then back home, like nothing ever happened. He's getting his job back, so that's good when it comes to my son's medical insurance and child support. I'm not too sure how I feel about his. I mean, I'm glad that he's not gonna be spending forever in jail or whatever cuzz the boy really misses him, but I feel like it's a huge slap in the face to anyone in the military right now. Especially his family. His brother is in the AirForce. he has one cousin in Iraq and another who, last I heard, was gonna re-up and most likely get deployed to Iraq again. Yet, he was able to desert during war time and get off pretty much with nothing. Doesn't seem right.

My divorce will be final tomorrow, January 9. After being separated a year and a half, it'll finally be done. And just in time for my birthday on the 13th. The birthday celebration will also be a divorce party now. Awesome.

So, another year is upon us. Nothing spectacular has happened as of yet. I'm hoping somewhere along the lines that it does. Maybe this will be the year I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Maybe this will be the year that I can be somewhat finacially stable. Maybe this will be the year that I get over my stupid anxieties and venture out a bit more. Maybe this will be the year that I get over things that pick away at who I am.I've been sitting her thinking this morning. No particular reason why. Guess I'm just in a mood to reflect on myself and my life. Or maybe I've just decided to be emo/hormonal on the first day of the new year. Meh. Whatever the case, I've been thinking about random points in my life and wondering if I'll repeat the same patterns this year or if I'll create new ones. I'm not making any resolutions. I'll just set myself up for disappointment if I do. I usually make resolutions and keep them to myself. That way, if I don't keep them, other people won't be disappointed in me as well. But this year, resolutions can kiss my ass. I don't want to look back at 2006 and wonder why I didn't accomplish the things I wanted to when I had an entire year to get off my fat ass and do something. I know damned near everyone who makes resolutions never actually follow through with them, but I notice I will get to a point during the year where I will beat myself up mentally for "failing" to achieve something I said I would do. I've also noticed that if I tell myself that I will do something different in whatever year, I will sabotage myself. I'm not sure why I do that. Kinda pisses me off really. Like I set goals that are not exactly attainable just to see if I will actually try and then get down on myself when I don't. Defense mechanism? Perhaps. The masochist in me coming out? More than likely. A big pattern I've noticed over the last year, is that my life is almost the same that my mother led when she was my age. Almost. When my mom was 25, she was married to my step-father, working in the medical field and had a 5 year old. She had to be on state aide. The differences? She also had my brother to deal with (birth defects or whatever). That's pretty much the only difference. Oh, she wasn't divorced/divorcing cuzz she had never married my father. I have a 5 year old. I'm having to get back on state aide. I work in the medical field. She had just signed a modeling contract with Kodak (not big--time I know, but this was 1980 and big for the time and area she lived in) when she found out she was pregnant with me. She had dreams of being in the limelight. I was no where near becoming famous or anything like that when I found out I was pregnant, but I was heavily involved with my community theater group. I had to put that on hold and eventually give it up all together to be a responsible adult. Ugh. My step-father was a drinker. Greg is a drinker. The difference there is that Greg isn't a mean drunk. There's been 1 instance of him being drunk and being a complete asshole. Then again, Tony wasn't always a mean drunk, either. I keep telling Greg I will not allow Alex to go through what I did as a child. Sometimes, I really don't think he gets what I'm saying. I tell him about the shit I went through and I can tell he doesn't like to hear it and that it upsets him. But beyond that, I don't think he grasps the seriousness. Yesterday we got into an argument about him being an asshole out of nowhere. When he's tired, he is a complete bitch. Usually, he goes into the bedroom and tried to sleep or at least just get away from everyone for a bit. Yesterday, he woke up and started texting me, being a complete dick. Something about how he had just called off work so he could make me happy. Yes, I wanted to go out. But I didn't press him on it. I knew he had to work the next day. Not once did I ask him to call in. Not once did I act pissed off about it to him. Yet somewhere along the way, he decided that I was pissed and that if we didn't go, I was going to be a cold bitch towards him. He was outright mean. And I remembered when Tony started getting mean. Eventually, everything was worked out and things were fine. He realized he was being a dick and stopped. We started talking about how when he gets pissed off over something, he shuts up. He won't talk about things. When people do that, I get pissed. To me, if you can't sit there and talk, hell yell, than there is no communication. Nothing ever gets settled or corrected if people can't express what it is that is either bothering them or pissing them off, ya know? I mentioned that he was reminding me of when he would tell me about how his parents fight and his mom threatens divorce. Seems this is a yearly event. Anyway, he recognized that he acts just like his dad, he doesn't communicate when there's any kind of confrontation. I asked if he saw why his mother would get upset enough to threaten to leave. He kept saying that it was only threats and how she never would. At that point, I took it upon myself to point out the obvious and say that I am not his mother. He said, "no, you certainly are not." He left to go get more stuff to roll his cigarettes with after that. (this was all online) I'm not sure if that sunk in or his mood just improved cuzz he was fine after that. We had a pretty good night, actually. Lately, I've been sitting back and kind of removing myself from things and just looking in from the outside. Well, as much as I can anyway. It disturbs me that I'm noticing all these same things in my life that I saw happening to my mother when I was growing up. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to change repeating the same things. I know I can, but I want to do it without people getting hurt. I don't know. Stupid reflection...So, yeah, we did get out to Bobbi's last night. Greg and I had a good time. We threw some sticks at the wall and drank some beer. I thought Greg would drink more than he did, but oops? Hehe. If you want, Bobbi, I'll pay for that 12 pack when I get paid on Friday. I feel bad cuzz you guys went to the trouble of making sure there'd be beer he would drink. Did Motley Crue ever actually play? LOL That was worthless footage of all those random roadies. And really, why show the catering staff? I wanted to see some Carnival of SIN dammit! ^_^ Bobbi's cat, Princess, or El Gato of DOOM, could smell my fear last night. She was trying to get into my purse when we first got there and since I have been trying pick her up and pet her since last year, I took my opportunity. I caught her and put her in my lap! She as not amused. Not at ALL. O_o There was growling. There were claws. And then there was her flying off my lap by some kitty magical flying technique. After that, she kept getting closer and closer to me. At one point, she put her paw on my leg. I think she thought it was a good idea to keep me in check. Let me know that NO ONE but Bobbi can hold El Gato of DOOM. Then Greg became Kitty Tamer, as all 3 flocked to him to play. Bastard. Kitties always want to be around him. We left at like 1230 and were in bed by 1AM. HAHA! I'm old and responsible and was tired and knew I had to get up in the morning. And I had to eat a shit ton of Tums when I got home, too. Fucking heartburn. BAH!So, here's to 2006. A year of no resolutions. A year of trying to not walk the same road as my mother. And a year of hoping I can wash the stench of fear off me before meeting El Gato of DOOM again.