Sunday, January 01, 2006

So, another year is upon us. Nothing spectacular has happened as of yet. I'm hoping somewhere along the lines that it does. Maybe this will be the year I get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Maybe this will be the year that I can be somewhat finacially stable. Maybe this will be the year that I get over my stupid anxieties and venture out a bit more. Maybe this will be the year that I get over things that pick away at who I am.I've been sitting her thinking this morning. No particular reason why. Guess I'm just in a mood to reflect on myself and my life. Or maybe I've just decided to be emo/hormonal on the first day of the new year. Meh. Whatever the case, I've been thinking about random points in my life and wondering if I'll repeat the same patterns this year or if I'll create new ones. I'm not making any resolutions. I'll just set myself up for disappointment if I do. I usually make resolutions and keep them to myself. That way, if I don't keep them, other people won't be disappointed in me as well. But this year, resolutions can kiss my ass. I don't want to look back at 2006 and wonder why I didn't accomplish the things I wanted to when I had an entire year to get off my fat ass and do something. I know damned near everyone who makes resolutions never actually follow through with them, but I notice I will get to a point during the year where I will beat myself up mentally for "failing" to achieve something I said I would do. I've also noticed that if I tell myself that I will do something different in whatever year, I will sabotage myself. I'm not sure why I do that. Kinda pisses me off really. Like I set goals that are not exactly attainable just to see if I will actually try and then get down on myself when I don't. Defense mechanism? Perhaps. The masochist in me coming out? More than likely. A big pattern I've noticed over the last year, is that my life is almost the same that my mother led when she was my age. Almost. When my mom was 25, she was married to my step-father, working in the medical field and had a 5 year old. She had to be on state aide. The differences? She also had my brother to deal with (birth defects or whatever). That's pretty much the only difference. Oh, she wasn't divorced/divorcing cuzz she had never married my father. I have a 5 year old. I'm having to get back on state aide. I work in the medical field. She had just signed a modeling contract with Kodak (not big--time I know, but this was 1980 and big for the time and area she lived in) when she found out she was pregnant with me. She had dreams of being in the limelight. I was no where near becoming famous or anything like that when I found out I was pregnant, but I was heavily involved with my community theater group. I had to put that on hold and eventually give it up all together to be a responsible adult. Ugh. My step-father was a drinker. Greg is a drinker. The difference there is that Greg isn't a mean drunk. There's been 1 instance of him being drunk and being a complete asshole. Then again, Tony wasn't always a mean drunk, either. I keep telling Greg I will not allow Alex to go through what I did as a child. Sometimes, I really don't think he gets what I'm saying. I tell him about the shit I went through and I can tell he doesn't like to hear it and that it upsets him. But beyond that, I don't think he grasps the seriousness. Yesterday we got into an argument about him being an asshole out of nowhere. When he's tired, he is a complete bitch. Usually, he goes into the bedroom and tried to sleep or at least just get away from everyone for a bit. Yesterday, he woke up and started texting me, being a complete dick. Something about how he had just called off work so he could make me happy. Yes, I wanted to go out. But I didn't press him on it. I knew he had to work the next day. Not once did I ask him to call in. Not once did I act pissed off about it to him. Yet somewhere along the way, he decided that I was pissed and that if we didn't go, I was going to be a cold bitch towards him. He was outright mean. And I remembered when Tony started getting mean. Eventually, everything was worked out and things were fine. He realized he was being a dick and stopped. We started talking about how when he gets pissed off over something, he shuts up. He won't talk about things. When people do that, I get pissed. To me, if you can't sit there and talk, hell yell, than there is no communication. Nothing ever gets settled or corrected if people can't express what it is that is either bothering them or pissing them off, ya know? I mentioned that he was reminding me of when he would tell me about how his parents fight and his mom threatens divorce. Seems this is a yearly event. Anyway, he recognized that he acts just like his dad, he doesn't communicate when there's any kind of confrontation. I asked if he saw why his mother would get upset enough to threaten to leave. He kept saying that it was only threats and how she never would. At that point, I took it upon myself to point out the obvious and say that I am not his mother. He said, "no, you certainly are not." He left to go get more stuff to roll his cigarettes with after that. (this was all online) I'm not sure if that sunk in or his mood just improved cuzz he was fine after that. We had a pretty good night, actually. Lately, I've been sitting back and kind of removing myself from things and just looking in from the outside. Well, as much as I can anyway. It disturbs me that I'm noticing all these same things in my life that I saw happening to my mother when I was growing up. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way to change repeating the same things. I know I can, but I want to do it without people getting hurt. I don't know. Stupid reflection...So, yeah, we did get out to Bobbi's last night. Greg and I had a good time. We threw some sticks at the wall and drank some beer. I thought Greg would drink more than he did, but oops? Hehe. If you want, Bobbi, I'll pay for that 12 pack when I get paid on Friday. I feel bad cuzz you guys went to the trouble of making sure there'd be beer he would drink. Did Motley Crue ever actually play? LOL That was worthless footage of all those random roadies. And really, why show the catering staff? I wanted to see some Carnival of SIN dammit! ^_^ Bobbi's cat, Princess, or El Gato of DOOM, could smell my fear last night. She was trying to get into my purse when we first got there and since I have been trying pick her up and pet her since last year, I took my opportunity. I caught her and put her in my lap! She as not amused. Not at ALL. O_o There was growling. There were claws. And then there was her flying off my lap by some kitty magical flying technique. After that, she kept getting closer and closer to me. At one point, she put her paw on my leg. I think she thought it was a good idea to keep me in check. Let me know that NO ONE but Bobbi can hold El Gato of DOOM. Then Greg became Kitty Tamer, as all 3 flocked to him to play. Bastard. Kitties always want to be around him. We left at like 1230 and were in bed by 1AM. HAHA! I'm old and responsible and was tired and knew I had to get up in the morning. And I had to eat a shit ton of Tums when I got home, too. Fucking heartburn. BAH!So, here's to 2006. A year of no resolutions. A year of trying to not walk the same road as my mother. And a year of hoping I can wash the stench of fear off me before meeting El Gato of DOOM again.

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