Thursday, December 11, 2008

It's that time of year again... (Possibly triggering?) (And a spoiler for last night's SVU)

Not sure if it will be or not, but I figure better to put the little warning in the topic than to not and have someone flip out cuzz I didn't.


I've been in an interesting place today. Well, maybe not so much interesting as it is a little later than normal. See, I've been trying to get passed everything. To finally put it out of my mind and get the fuck over it. Easier said than done. Not to say it didn't enter my thoughts, but I was determined not to write about it this year. Not to get down on myself about it this year. Mostly, I was attempting to crawl back into the warmth of blocked memories.

I was doing ok. I was until last night at least. I love Law & Order:SVU. Have since the beginning. Sometimes the subjects upset me and send me into a bit of spiral, but typically it's nothing too major. I'm not sure if it's the time of year or the story line, but last night's episode got to me like no other. And it sent me into a not too good place.

I've mentioned before that I repressed a lot of the rape. Hell, I'm still remembering new little details every now and again. For a long time though, it was blank. Then came the night when that asshole punk decided to slam on my back door when I was home alone. And everything came flooding back.

The rapist character used some drug from South America (or some place similar) to drug his victims and put them into a state where they'd fight back, but they'd do whatever he wanted cuzz they were completely open to suggestion. After the fact, they'd have no memory of what happened or even having met him. It was the second victim that sent me reeling.

She was married with a small child (a baby, I think). The detectives went to her house after having identified her as someone in a number of videos he'd made of the rapes. When they asked her about whether or not she knew him or if she had ever remembered being assaulted, she had no idea what they were talking about. Her husband came home and the detectives left. Stabler (detective) went back to the home a day or so later and showed the video to the victim's husband. She walked in the door while he was watching it and saw herself and everything started to come back to her. At one point, Olivia (another detective) went back to the victim's house and found her sitting outside. She asked things like how she was supposed to go on now that she knew what had happened. How was she supposed to get back to the way things had been and things like that. There were no answers, obviously, but the questions were still asked.

After that, I found myself chain smoking. Those of you who know me know that I don't smoke inside if my son is home. Seems last night I didn't care. Heh. I wasn't in a real good place for the rest of the episode and in the end, three of his five victims sent him to jail. Yay, happy ending for all. What REALLY sent me reeling was the very end. He had called them dirty sluts and told them they had all wanted it. Then, as the victims were walking out, he kept screaming at them that they'd never forget him. That he's be the one who was always in their dreams.

And I lost promptly lost it.

I'll NEVER forget him. Not his face. Not his voice. Not his scent. Not his touch. EVERY FUCKING THING is burned into my memory. I still to this day find myself looking behind me, thinking he's coming up behind me. Sometimes I find myself stopping dead in my tracks somewhere cuzz I think I've heard his voice. I still flinch when I smell beer and cigarettes on a man's breath, which is REALLY not a good thing since Greg loves his beer and cigarettes. As long as I keep my eyes open and on Greg's face, I'm ok. Otherwise, I start to fight with out even realizing it.

13 fucking years this month and it STILL has such a hold on me and damned near everything that I do.

I've taken a few calls for sexual assaults in my five years of dispatching. And every time, I find myself shaking when everything is done and the crew is transporting the pt to the hospital. Thankfully I'm able to keep my shit in check. If I ever found that I couldn't, I'd quit that very day.

So, since watching that show, I've been jumpier than normal. I've been smoking a lot more. (Usually when Alex is home, I might have 3 or 4 cigarettes the whole time. I'm into my second pack now.) And I've been drinking. Craving beer, actually. And I know that's just my mind or body's way of dealing with shit, and I also know that it's really not the best way to cope.

At this point, I'm fighting to bury it all again or, at the very least, put it in the far reaches of my mind. I'm still waiting to be able to do the online hot line thing with RAINN. They just never seem to have classes near me so I can get the training and get started. After watching that show though, I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to do something like that or if I'd lose my shit and cause someone else to lose whatever grip they might have.

Tomorrow I'm cooking my first turkey and we're gonna set up the Christmas tree and be all happy and yay family. I'm praying that I don't ruin everything. I need to have something happy and normal happen. Something to take my mind off of this again.

At least for a little while...

1 comment:

Aunt Becky said...

Oh, dude. I have no idea what to even say to you. I'm here, and I'm listening and I'm so fucking sorry.