Musical Masochist

(I know I've spelled quite a few words wrong in this, but for some reason, the spell check option isn't working for me. Weird...)

I'm not sure if I've ever gone off on a tangent about how much music means to me before or not. I've decided to do that now, even if I've done it before. See, I should be sleeping so I can go to the specialist all refreshed and what not, but that's not happening. And I've been drinking, too. Maybe I'm a little keyed up about my appointment tomorrow?

Anyway, I've always been obsessed with music. Ever since I can remember, I've been a music addict, often foregoing normal kid activities just so I could listen to a song on the radio or watch the video on Mtv. I remember when I was in 2nd grade, I was getting ready to leave for school and saw Janie's Got A Gun by Aerosmith coming on the TV. I decided to stay and watch it cuzz I had it in my head that all music videos and/or songs were only 2 minutes long. No clue where I got that from, but suffice it to say, I was pretty late for school that morning. I can remember getting ready for school in 6th grade and making sure my little brother got his ass going, all while listening to Brian Adams. Most of the significant things that have ever happened in my life I can tie to music in some way. It took me forever to be able to listen to Tori Amos again after I was raped cuzz I had that CD playing while I was sleeping and he came into my bedroom...

Moving on...

I've decided to throw up some of my favorite videos on here so I can share my favorite songs. I have a shit ton, so I'll be narrowing it down quite a bit, I hope you enjoy them.


Fine Again by Seether.

This was the first song I ever heard by Seether. This CD got me through most of my marriage. Especially this song. I wasn't sober for a lot of my marriage. There was a lot of bullshit going on, but this song helped imensely.


Broken by Seether

It's very possible you've heard the version of this song with Amy Lee helping out on vocals. While I love her voice, I much prefer this version of the song. When I was initailly going through my divorce, I would sing this to my son. When I first told his father that I wanted a divorce when he was 4 months old, he took off with my car and my son. I didn't know where they were for three days. It was the beginning of December and the Christmas tree was up with is little swing in front of it so he could watch the lights. I remember walking by his bedroom and bursting into tears cuzz he wasn't there and doing the same when I would walk past his swing. When I first left Matt for the last time, I was petrified he was gonna take off again. Thankfully he didn't, but every night I had Alex, I would sing this to him. He still remembers all the words and asks me to play the song all the time.


And So It Goes by Billy Joel

When I was a kid, I would go through my grandma's tapes and CDs. I "borrowed" this from her when I was about 9, I think. It made me cry. It made me think of my Great Grandma Arlene, which was great grandpa Lawrence's wife. I miss her more than I can put into words and for a long time, I was angry with her cuzz I thought she just abandoned me. I had a very difficult childhood and, until she died, she was my savior.


Hackensack by Fountains of Wayne

This song makes me think of the man that I was supposed to marry before I started seeing my ex-husband. He was my high school sweetheart, if you will. I met him while preforming in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. He called me the "cute little redheaded girl", like from Charlie Brown. My goal was to get him to give me his kick ass Superman hat. We were together for over a year and his family gave me pictures of my PeePaw. I never got the hat.


Me and a Gun by Tori Amos

This is the song she wrote after she was raped. While it tells the story of what happened to her, I've always felt like it was telling the story of what happened to me in a way.


Hey Jupiter (remix) by Tori Amos

This song has just always felt like it was written for me.


Three Libras by A Perfect Circle

4 words. Maynard is a genius. The sadness and the raw emtion the words of this song portray draws me in every time. And you don't see me...


Blue by A Perfect Circle

Another awesome song lyrically. (Well, ALL the songs I post are awesome lyrically.) I just didn't want to know... I close my eyes, Ignore the smoke... Just beatiful.


Henry Lee by Nick Cave and the Badseeds featuring PJ Harvey

I love both of their voices. Actually, PJ Harvey's voice is very similar to my own. Such a haunting, beautiful song.


Wise Up by Aimee Mann

I first heard this on an episode of Crossing Jordan and thought it was The Pretenders. o_O There's also a very moving scene in the movie Magnolia that has all the main characters singing along with this song. This song could be so many points in my life...


Lie To Me by Devics

I'm a little jealous that I didn't write this song myself cuzz I feel like I could have. It follows my writing style pretty well. It makes me think of the man I was with in high school. The one I was supposed to marry. We still talk on occassion. This song could have been something that I said to him...


Coffee and Cigarettes by Michelle Featherstone

I found her on MySpace a while back and fell in love with this song. Again, another song that I'm a little jealous I didn't write.


My December by Linkin Park

I've posted the lyrics for this song before. I always feel incredibly lonely at night, which is usually when I'll listen to this song. It breaks my heart. Just wish that it didn't feel like there was something I missed... I always feel like there was something I missed somewhere along the way.


Pin Up by Evans Blue

I've been listening to this song repeatedly for the last few months. It was listening to this song that I began to wonder if the Depo Lupron might be having more of an effect on my emotions than I intially thought. I was driving home from darts one night while listening to this song. There's a paret of my drive that goes by a few lakes. All I wanted to do was to just drive into the water and sink. It felt like the most absolutely right thing in the world. And I wasn't particularly sad about anything. I was stressed, but no more than any other day. I just wanted to drive into the water and never think twice. If I didn't have my son, I more than likely would've done it.


So... I think that's where I'm gonna stop. That's a shit ton of songs to listen to and I commend anyone who's been able to get through all of them. I could go on forever, but the boy has moved out into the living room to sleep (he's got a wicked headache for some reason) and I need to get some rest so I can make it to my doctor's appointment in the morning. Hope you enjoyed my musical entry. And yes, I am well aware that my metal cred is probably no more. LOL