Saturday, October 21, 2006

Disintegration

Disintegration
by
Jimmy Eat World

I've spent my last nights
strung up and pulled tight.
Holding out, sleeping proud
An answer comes without a please:
Do what you want.

[Chorus:]
Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss.
Rather live my life in regret then do this.
What happened to the love we both knew?
We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me,
you burn me you'll burn me.

Hushed with a finger
don't say you'll never when you might,
Or just another time.
This poison comes instruction free.
Do what you want, but I'm drinking.

Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss.
Rather live my life in regret then do this.
What happened to the love we both knew?
We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me,
You burn me you'll burn me.

try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh [continues through chorus]

Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss
Id rather live my life in regret than do this
What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased
Hanging on a cigarette you need me you burn me you'll burn me
What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased
Hanging on a cigarette you need me you burn me you'll burn me







I love this song and, really, the lyrics speak to me. They speak what I'm feeling and what I've been feeling for some time now.



This poison comes instruction free,

Do what you want, but I'm drinking.




Yeah. Do what you want, but I'm drinking. I don't give a shit anymore. Look down on me, I don't fucking care. I'm not drunk around my son, so does it really matter?



Hanging on a cigarette, you need me

You burn me, you'll burn me




I'm always burned in the end. Doesn't matter what the fuck I do. I'm always burned in the end...



Rather live my life in regret than do this



There are so many things I'd rather do, regretting it be damned. But I have no choice. No choice at all.



There are so many other things that I could have done with my life. So many other things I could STILL do, but where do I begin? How do I get to the point where I can do the things I dream? I can't. At least not to the point where I could do the things I REALLY dream about doing. Hell, I can't even do what I need to in order to make more money. I have no time to be able to complete the schooling I need to in order to be able to work on the ambulance. At least not if I want to see my son. I can't get to a point where I feel like I matter to anyone. To anything. I'm just here. Just fucking here.



What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased...



I have no idea, but I know I'll never see it. I know I'll never experience it. Not again.



Happy Sweetest Day.



(If you want to hear the song, it's on my profile, but I make no promises about it loading. I changed my profile so it'll load better. Rumor has it that the strip I had tiling made the page way hard to load. I wanted a scene from Annie's Suicide in What Dreams May Come, but I couldn't find it and I can't screen cap movies. I guess Chris leaving Annie while she's at his grave will have to do.)


Ugh. I neglected this. AGAIN. I didn't intend to, I just haven't felt... Like myself. I haven't in quite a while. I don't know why and I don't know how to get it back. I've been thinking that maybe if I take the classes to get my EMT license and, eventually, my Paramedic license, that maybe that'll help. Then I realize that I barely see my son enough now. Once I start those classes, I'll never see him. I need to do something, though. I know I'm stressed out over all the random bullshit drama that seems to pop up involving my ex-husband. Bastard can't tell me the truth about things that actually matter in our son's life, but he can grow the balls to mock crying and tell me to "get over it"?! Such an ass. Hell, even his girlfriend/fiance told me the truth! And I'm worried about all the fucking tests I'm having done to rule out PCOS. I don't get it. I've been experiencing the same symptoms and the SAME pain for the last 3 years, but now I'm suddenly in too much pain for it to be caused by PCOS? Huh? What did I miss?

But, I think what gets me the most, what hurts me more than anything and makes me retreat into myself more and more, is the fact that I don't have anyone I can turn to and just bitch about it. I don't have anyone to just sit back and listen and give a shit that I feel like I've lost myself. That all this shit I have running around in my head is making me insane and causing me to attempt to ignore everything that is bothering me cuzz it doesn't matter. Greg and I watched that movie The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn last night. At one point, he's explaining to her how he didn't' really hear what she was saying to him cuzz she didn't say it in a way that conveyed it was anything that truly mattered. Like she wasn't crying and acting all defeated. He said something about how it just sounded like blahblahblah to him. So, I asked Greg if that's what he heard when I talked. He told me only when I was upset about something. I just stared at him. A few weeks ago, when the drama with the ex-husband was coming to a head, I freaked the fuck out. I started sobbing and couldn't stop and everything that I had pent up inside about what had been happening with my son just came flooding out. We were going to bed and he had to work the next day, so I kept trying to go out into the other room so I wouldn't keep him up. He kept telling me not to go and that I wasn't bothering him. I went out anyway and he followed me out there. We went back to bed about 15 minutes later, I was still sobbing uncontrollably and he was passed out asleep in, seriously, 15 seconds. The next day when I tried to apologize, he said it didn't matter. When I tried to explain that it was just all starting to be too much for me to deal with, he asked me what I was talking about. I haven't tried to tell him anything of any real importance since.

There's one person who I think I could just completely unload on and he'd actually care and let me do whatever I needed to do so I could maybe start feeling slightly like myself again. I'm just afraid that if I do go to him, I won't be able to turn back. And I know that if I do turn to him, it's just gonna lead to more fighting and stress in my life and I don't know if I can handle that. Not right now.

This is the way it's always been, though. You'd think I'd be used to it by now...

6 comments:

Cricket said...

I am sorry about the way you've been feeling. It sucks not to be listened to - rather, it sucks to think that you thought you were listened to, but weren't.

Over a year ago, I had the chance to fall into another's arms. He does listen, so well it amazes me. He was visiting in town and P met him, an old friend from college. Because he couldn't go out due to his erring daughter, P trusted me to spend an evening with my old friend, but it wasn't a calm trust. I was good physically, but now that P an I are no longer, I question why I was good. My loyalties were misplaced. I need to be more loyal to myself.

Life is frustrating.

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