I'm having trouble sleeping again. The last few nights I've been taking Tylenol PM just to be able to drift off with out lying there wondering when it'll happen. I like making the sleep, but aparently, it doesn't like me to make it all the time.
I'm still worried about my mom, though, according to the doctors, I shouldn't be. Heh.
I think I've decided to see about getting a hysterectomy. I'm not completely sure, though. I'm just so tired of the bullshit that comes with PCOS. I'm tired of my hair falling out. I'm tired of gaining weight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing that there is a hint of a moustache. I'm so fucking tired of the pain. I'm never without pain, it's just not as intense as it can be most of the time. The pain I think is what bothers me the most. It's always there, constantly reminding me that there's something wrong with me. I honestly think that I'd be more able to deal with taking estrogen for the rest of my life than I am with dealing withthe pain. Thing is, Greg wants babies. I have my baby. My baby wants a sibling. So, my son and my boyfriend want babies and I don't know if I can even still have them, let alone know if I want more. I don't want to deprive either of them of the joy of a baby, but I just don't know if I can deal with this anymore. I'm on a message board for women with PCOS and they're dealing with it SO much better than I am. It makes me angry that I can't handle it as well. I can deal with many, many things. Just not this. I just want it gone.
I don't know if I'm happy anymore. There's no reason for me to not be, I just don't know if I am. I mentioned before that I started writing again. I haven't written in years. I need to be in a certain frame of mind to write and it seems I've found that frame of mind again. Here's the link to my poetry site if you're interested. If you read anything there, you'll see about the needing to be in a certain frame of mind. I dunno. I'm just not feeling like myself anymore.
I think I'm gonna go lie down and see if the gin is taking any effects as far as sleepiness goes. The boy will be up at the asscrack of early, so I need ot at least try to sleep. Wish me luck.
About Me
- brite69
- Ok. I'm in my mid-20s, a mother to a hyper boy who is smart as hell and I'm dealing with the wonderful world of divorce. I'm opinionated and blunt. I push people away and draw them in all at once. I'm also coming to grips with the facts that I may never be able to have another child without having to spend a shit ton of money I simply don't have. I'm a dreamer who longs to be on stage, but has settled to work in the glorious world of Emergency Medicine. Never a dull moment, but doesn't pay squat. My entries will at best, be sporadic, but you'll get over that. And if you don't, just remember to breathe. After all, it's only teh internets! ~_^ All that being said, I hope you enjoy my random ramblings. They will, more often than not, be exactly that. Random Ramblings. And if for some reason, this blog is just does not give you your brite fix, wander on over to DeadJournal.com or MySpace.com. Same name on Deadjournal and browse around Flint, MI on MySpace. Your're bound to find me rambling on over there as well. Enjoy!
2 comments:
That is one powerful poem. I sure feel that way a lot of the time. Most of the time. All?
I didn't realize all the side effects of PCOS, but I understand the pain. My endo is in remission, thank goodness, but I was in my prime and felt 80. So many things were affected.
Hope you had some gin left over for today and that it did you some good.
Post a Comment