Monday, June 09, 2008

A blog entry got me thinking...

I couldn't have said it better if I tried

Obviously, there are differences between me and the author. I've been regularly taking Dilaudid for damned near 6 months now and he won't touch anything harder than Motrin. Trust me, if Motrin or Tylenol or anything similar touched my pain, I'd be all over it.

Over the last five years, I've found that I've lost my drive to do anything more than simply leave the house. I used to take my son to the park every day I was with him. Now he's lucky if I even go out in the yard with him. If we do anything together, I'm often sitting on the sidelines watching HIM do something, rather than actually running with him. I've found that he really loves playing video games with me. I think it's due to the fact that it's something we can do together rather than it being the video game itself.

I've also found that I tend to slip into a depressive state more often that I used to. And that the slips are getting worse every time. I've recently been put on Amitriptylin, which is an anti-depressant that is also used to treat chronic pain. On the leaflet from the pharmacy, I was told to watch for suicidal ideations and report them to my doctor ASAP. While I haven't noticed anything that drastic, I have noticed that I've been feeling more out of whack emotionally. I watched The Mist the other night and had to fight from sobbing when the little boy was crying cuzz he was scared. That doesn't seem normal to me. Neither does damned near losing it over a fucking commercial. Yet that's where I'm at.

I never know day to day if I'm gonna be able to go to work or get the boy up and around or whatever the hell I have to do that day. Mostly I force myself to go through the motions. And that gets me angry. And I find myself getting pissy with everyone around me. Then I get down on myself even more. Eventually that all leads to me slipping back into a depressive state. It's a vicious circle that I can't seem to stray from.

Five years... I wonder how many more years I can actually take before I effectively lose it?


Cricket said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry.

But please be careful on the amitriptiline/elavil. I've been on it twice over time. Even doctors say it is good for 30 lbs - works 3 ways - increases appetite, decreases metabolism, and causes sugar cravings.

Balance weight gain against the pain you already have.

Ok, soap box moment over.

Aunt Becky said...

I think I've officially lost it. Want to share a room in the psych ward?

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