Welp, looks like I have once again neglected this blogs. Ugh. I need to stop doing that. It just seems like if there's not a whole lot of drama going on in front of my face, I forget about this blog. O_o

So, not too much has really been happening. Still throwing darts on Wednesdays and then going up to The Machine Shop to make an asshole out of myself at karaoke afterwards. I'm generally a pretty good singer, but I'm always drunk as hell when I'm up there for some reason and I sound like shit. I don't like that. It's seriously bothering me that I sound bad when I'm up there. Doing it sober is always an option, but being on that stage where some of my favorite bands have played sold out shows is pretty intimidating. One of these days...

I picked the boy up from his dad's a few weeks ago and saw the fiance making flower arrangements in the living room with her brother's girlfriend. They were lilies. At first, I thought that the boy had wanted to do something nice for me at random like he does sometimes and since his dad knows lilies are my favorite, I thought maybe he had helped him pick some out or something. The boy had actually asked me earlier in the week if lilies were my favorite cuzz he remembered them being planted under my bedroom window. That thought was there for only a minute, though, as I realized it was the fiance and her brother's girlfriend making the bouquets and laughing. When the boy and I got out to the car and on our way home, I asked him what the flowers were for. He said they were for teh wedding. I asked when it was and he said he didn't know, but that it was gonna be soon. He then went on and on about how his brothers and sister (the fiance's kids) and his two little cousins will be there and blahblahblah happy kid babble. I'm glad he's happy about it. It's important to me that he be happy that his parents remarry. I guess I'm just still a bit taken a back about the speed it's happening for his father is all.

I know it's not really any of my business, but I'd like to know when the wedding is. I'm sure the boy will be staying with his grandparents when it happens as majority of weddings are on the weekend and the boy is with his dad on the weekends. And I'm a little weired out by the way the lilies are making me feel. It's like just seeing them reopened all the old hurt somehow. I had a bouquet my mom bought me at the last minute. It was a nice bouquet and I('m glad I had it, but I didn't get to pick out my own flowers. If I had, I would've had lilies. I wore a dress that was my mother's but was too big on her. It barely fit me since I was 6 months pregnant. It was a nice dress, but I didn't really have a choice in it. It was wear that one or wear the same maternity clothes I'd been alternating days wearing. I got my hair done by myself. I was dropped off at the salon by the boy's dad. I told them to pretty much do whatever they wanted, but I wanted it up. I had a lot of hair then, so me telling them to do whatever as long as it was up was like giving them a barbie to play with. My hair was beautiful, full of ringlet curls that cascaded. I was almost late to the City Hall cuzz my step-dad and my little brother got into a fight about something. The day became about them. No one had really been focused on me anyway, but having everything suddenly hinge on whether or not they got their shit together really aggravated me. Add in the pregnancy hormones and the nagging thought that we needed to wait a little longer before getting married and you have instant stressed out pregnant bride. I forced my smile in the pictures that were taken. I tried desperately to hide my belly with my flowers. And I stood in the back of the room the majority of the time we were there, trying not to burst into tears. My wedding was nothing I had envisioned it would be. Like most little girls, I had dreamed up the wedding I wanted when I was very very young. The only thing I got that I wanted? I walked down the "aisle" by myself.

Seeing those lilies made me think of everything that I missed. The planning, the having brides maids, the dress fittings... All that shit that is SO stressful while it's happening, but makes for memories you'll always have. The only thing I was able to do was pick out a set of wedding bands in white gold that together cost about $70. His parents bought them for us cuzz we were that broke. Heh. I didn't have a honeymoon. I went home and slept on the couch. There was no grand love making or whatever. Hell, I didn't want him to touch me for most of my pregnancy anyway. I slept on the couch that night. I don't even remember where he slept.

Seeing those lilies made me jealous as hell. She's getting all the memories. She's getting the flowers. She's getting the man he promised me he would be, but never became. And while I'm more than happy to step aside and let them be happy, it still hurts. And I hate myself for it.

I hate that this is hurting me. I hate that when I look at Greg, all I can wonder is if he's gonna be like the boy's dad was. Is he going to promise me things that he knows will make me happy and then not follow through? Is he gonna sit there and talk about things that I want for our future, say he wants them too and then sit back while I work my ass off to try and accomplish those things? Greg and I had talked about taking a few days off work this summer and going to either Vermont or Conneticut. For some reason I've always wanted to do something like that. Stay at a bed and breakfast and take a tour of the vineyards in Conneticut or go play golf in Vermont during the day and have a romantic dinner at night and get drunk on wine and food and just being around each other. I've always fantasized about something like that. It's completely girly, I know, but I've just always wanted to do something like that. Greg seemed to get just as excited as I was about it. I told him that if we agreed to start saving money to do that, it needed to happen. That if it didn't, I was going to be very upset. He said it would and I set about looking at places and tours and what not. I signed up for information to be sent to me and all that crap. Started figuring out how much of my check I would set aside and considered opening a seperate account just for that. I asked last week if he wanted to golf at Sugarloaf or if he wanted to go somewhere else. He kind of looked at me confused. Greg is very forgetful, so I reminded him about the trip. He said he wouldn't be able to go with me. I guess he's his nephew's sponsor or something. He's 2 and it has to do with the Catholic church, which Greg's family is devout. I just looked at him and he said that he needs to use the time he was gonna take for our trip to go down to one of the Carolina's, I can't remember which, so he can do this for his nephew. He redeemed himself when he told me he wanted me to go with him. I said I'd see about getting the time. It's much sooner than what we were planning, but f I could get the time, we could just do stuff in whatever Carolina we were gonna be in. It wasn't what I wanted exactly, but I could handle that. I figured driving would be cheaper and we could stay in a small B&B or a hotel or something. Yesterday as I was getting ready for work, his mom called. She wanted to know if he knew if he actually got the time off for sure. I don't know what all was said, but when I asked, I found out that she wants to buy him a plane ticket. Notice I didn't say "us". I'm not sure if that's his mom's way of telling me I'm not welcome or if Greg thought that I'd just drive down there after work one night or something. When he said his mom wanted to buy him a ticket, I said I can't afford that. He kinda shrugged. I told him there was obviously no point in my trying to get the time off now and I left. I'm so disappointed it's unreal. And all I can wonder about is whether or not he's going to do the same thing the boy's father did to me.

I'm hurting and it's over stupid shit. I know it's stupid, yet I can't make it stop. And I that myself for it....