Tales from the PCOS files

I tell ya, I have come to loathe being female when it comes to the reproductive system. I'm sure this will delve into the TMI category for most anyone who comes across this, but bear with me. I need to do some bitching. For those who fear words like period, ovaries and PMS, you've been warned and may go about your business.

Seems the period fairy likes to fuck with my head. After going on an, oh let's see now, 2 month hiatus, the fairy has deemed it fit to make an appearance. Mind you, it's unlike her other appearances. There is no flood gates. No, Holy shit what did I do to make my uterus hate me?! exclamations. Merely a tease. A clever rouse if you will. Will you finally have a period this month? Maybe. Maybe not. I think I'm more disturbed by the fact that I know PCOS can stop menstruation and that seems to finally be happening after years of telling the multitude of doctors to just rip out my girly parts and let me have peace. Or maybe it's the fact that for the last 2 months I've taken over 10 pregnancy tests and have not once received a positive result. See, I never wanted to have children. Not that I would give my son back if someone paid me shit tons of money to do so, but I just was not the mommy type. I wanted to be a STAR! In order to do that and be successful at it, that meant no babies until much later in life, if ever. Well, that whole idea went to shit when I was just turning 20. And I'm not complaining, I love my son more than I ever thought I could love another human being, I'm just explaining my whole mentality about my being a mother. When Alex was about 1 1/2, I began having these incredible pains in the lower part of my abdomen. When Alex was 4, I was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary syndrome. Since my son was born, I would have a period as short as 3 days or as long as 15. Most of the time, the break in between would only last about 2 - 3 days. I would complain to my doctors about going through approx. 120 Super Playtex tampons and roughly 50 Stayfree maxis. My flows were so strong that I would often bleed through BOTH tampon and maxi in about an hour. (Not something I recommend if you're not feeling girly enough, by the way) Along with that, I would have horrible cramps. So, after the diagnosis, they tried to put me on birth control to even things out and while that did help somewhat, it also caused me to loose my hair and develop terrible cramps in my legs that would actually leave bruises. That caused the doctors to worry about blood clots, so that was discontinued. I was also put on Glocophage, which is a common treatment, but also something that made me incredibly ill. See, it's also used as a medication for diabetics. I am not diabetic, which is probably why it caused me to get ill. When I told the specialist I was seeing that I refused to take it cuzz I wasn't able to care for my son properly, she refused to see me again. Heh. Then I lost the Medicaid that I had cuzz at $7.50 an hour, I was making too much money. Mind you, I could barely pay my bills with what I brought home, but go ahead and take away the Medicaid that kept me in the inhalers I need to use so I can breathe and kept paying for the multitude of doctor''s appts I had to have. So, I had to stop going to the doctor and I haven't been back for about a year now. And everything kept going on as normal until October. Then... Nothing. And, while I can't afford another child and I'm still not officially divorced, I kinda liked the thought of another baby around. Alex has been asking for a brother or sister and I miss babies dammit! Now that this is happening, I'm afraid that I may not be able to have more babies. PCOS leads to incredible difficulty in getting pregnant, most often leaving the woman barren. And while I am very thankful for the son I do have, I don't think I want him to be an only child. I dunno...

This has just been something that's been on my mind a lot for the past couple weeks and I needed to get it out somewhere. Not many people who know me know of this blog, so I guess this is where I chose to dump. Again, prolly in the TMI category for pretty much everyone, but oh well. You were warned.