Merry Christmas?

So, things went rather well with the holiday. Aside from the boy not remembering he had opened his presents when we got home from the family party on Christmas Eve, anyway. LOL Poor kid. I woke him up on Christmas morning cuzz I had to go to work and he came out into the living room. He looked around all confused and said that he thought Santa was supposed to have come. I told him he had visited before we got home (round midnight or so) and that he had opened his presents last night. I asked if he remembered and he looked at all the toys and wrapping paper on the floor and said no, with tears in his eyes. Then he saw all the dinosaurs and was happy again. Aw.

I guess I should say things were good up to a point. About 1130 last night, my phone rang. I'm not feeling the greatest, so I had taken some NyQuill and was out by 10PM, so when my phone rang, I was confused. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was baby daddy's number. So, I answered, thinking there was something wrong with the boy. It was baby daddy's fiance. O_o I guess he had gone out for coffee and been pulled over or something cuzz he wound up getting arrested. On a felony warrant from Kentucky from teh ARMY! Since we were supposed to be stationed in Kentucky once he had finished AIT and he didn't get that far, I can only assume that he's AWOL. *facepalm* Wonderful. We were supposed to be going to court on Jan 9th to present the final paperwork. According to baby daddy's fiance, though, they were sending the boys up to get him last night and take him to Kentucky. This in mind, I doubt he'll be showing up to court. I'm gonna call the lawyer when I get home from work today and see what happens if he can't go. This also means that child support will be stopped and he's most likely going to lose his job, so buuh-bye child's medical insurance. Couldn't have had to kiss that good-bye at a better time. >_<>

Well, Christmas is upon us once again. And whether you celebrate Christmas, Kwanza or whatever, the holiday season is here for everyone and I hope that everyone has a joyous time.

That being said, I am excited to get out of work. Only an hour to go and then it's off to my Aunt Kim's to actually participate in the holiday festivities. Last year, I didn't get to do anything cuzz, as I am this year, I was working. The difference this year is that my son will be there as well. So, everyone has decided to wait for me and do a late Christmas thing since I get out of work at 9PM. Greg will be calling at some point during things to tell the boy that he woke up to go to the bathroom or something and that Santa has already been to the house. That way we can open presents together without getting him up at the asscrack of early. I mean, he's 5, so he'll be up early anyway, but in order to open presents together, we'd have to wake him up at 4AM since Greg and I both work tomorrow. O_o Not too happy about working the holiday again, but it's just the way the holiday fell. I work Friday - Sunday for 12 hrs each day and then part of the day on Mondays. My mantra has been time and a half, time and a half.

After I drop him off at baby daddy's tomorrow morning, I won't see him again till Thursday. I told his great-grandparents they could keep him for a couple days over his Christmas vacation and his Uncle is home from the Air Force for a bit. He'll have fun. I just hope the grandparents can handle the nebulizer.

So, the boy has been diagnosed asthmatic. I am so excited about that. O_o ugh. He's been handling it really well, though. He has to have a minimum of 3 breathing treatments a day and is on Albuterol and Pregnazone. Of all the things I could have passed on to him, he gets my health problems. *sigh* At least he's a boy and won't inherit all the random girly problems that I have.

Bleh. Not too much else is going on really. Think I'll wander off to myspace for the next 15 minutes or so. I can't seem to come up with anything else to write.

Oh my lord, I am so pissed off right now. Ok, maybe not so much pissed as extremely frustrated. A little background:

My son has allergies. Ok, most kids do. Except my son seems to never have an allergy free season. He's allergic to grass, dust mites, some form of pollen, cats and cigarette smoke. Ok. We have 3 cats. He's not really bothered by them. Sure, he gets stuffy every now and again, but nothing like the way he is when he comes home from his dad's. My son goes to his dad's Friday night through Sunday night, when I pick him up after I get out of work. Every time, literally every time I pick him up, he's sick. I'm guessing that is due to the fact that his dad doesn't make people smoke outside like I do. My son is not exposed to smoke when he's with me or his grand parents. His dad claims to have quit smoking, though I have my doubts since he was workin on a 2 1/2 pack a day habit when we split, but he very well may have. Dad's new fiance, however, smokes like a chimney, as does her little brother. I think the little brother may be living with them as well, but I'm not sure. Anyway, my son's dad claims that no one smokes inside anymore, but just last weekend, my ex mother-in-law went to pick my son up for church and the place was full of smoke and there sat the fiances brother, smoking away like it was no big deal. Hmm.. Looks like there's people smoking inside, but maybe I'm confusing the living room FOR THE PORCH.

So, to sum it up, my son comes home sick every Sunday night and last night was no exception. This time, however, it had nothing to do with his coughing or his throat, but rather his stomach. Seems just before I got there, the boy decided it would be fun to projectile vomit in front of the door. O_o His dad tells me and makes a nifty little comment about how he doesn't understand why it's been so difficult for me to change the boy's doctor. Um, excuse me? Number 1, I don't hold the insurance policy. Number 2, while I said I wasn't opposed to switching doctors, HE is the one who is hell bent on it. Given those 2 reasons right there, I was under the impression that he was going to make some calls and get back to me with the info he had gathered. Looks like I set the bar too high on that one. I look at him with my You're such an asshole look and we leave. The boy tells me on the way home that dear daddy made him finish puking outside. In 15 degree weather. WTF. He couldn't get him to the toilet so why not just throw him outside?! I swear, sometimes I wonder why I allowed this man to have sex with me.

So, I take the boy to his gramma's today and he pukes in the car on the way there. Thankfully I thought ahead and brought a puke bag and he made it in the bag! I felt guilty as hell for having to take him there and not staying home with him, but I have no sick time left and I missed the last 2 Mondays due to him being sick. So, I drop him and his puke bag off and walk into the shit storm that is EMS. I'm working away, reading random things while waiting for my crews to get to where they're goin and what not when baby daddy calls. Seems he finally took some iniciative and got the boy a doctor's appt with a pediatrician. Ok, it's the fiance's kids doctor, but whatever. He then asks if I can get out of work early to take him or if he has to. I asked when the appt was and he says 3. I get out at 2. I asked where. He tells me Owosso. Ugh. This means I have to travel a 1/2 hour to get him from gramma's and then drive an additional hour to get him to this doctor. No way in hell we'll be there on time. So, he says he'll have fiance call and say we'll be late. He then proceeds to tell me that fiance told the doctor what was going on and that he wanted to see the boy immediately. This confuses me as he seems to have the flu as opposed to the other times he comes home and sounds like he needs a lung transplant. This is when baby daddy decides to tell me that it's been his stomach that he's been concerned about all along. *facepalm* Are you fucking serious? The doctor he normally sees asked me last week if he has ever had to use an inhaler cuzz he's wheezing and NOW I'm being told that it's all been about his stomach?! I think he waited to tell me that while I was working cuzz he knows I can't scream at him. I did it once when we were first separated and though my bosses completely understood why, I was told that I need to keep my temper in check at work and that I needed to remember why I've been banned from watching sports while I'm working. (Seems I got a teeny bit loud watching the Red Wings and a walk in patient heard me screaming outside.) From that point on, whenever baby daddy wanted to start shit, they have made me go into a different room or out to my car. Today though, all the bosses are out sick and I have no where to go to yell. I told baby daddy that the normal doctor was concerned about the boy's lungs and that I had no idea about his stomach cuzz when he's with me after like a day, he's perfectly fine. Baby daddy then tried to place the blame on HIS mom as to why I didn't know about that. *sigh* Why the hell was I moronic enough when I was younger to allow this man to go all the way?!

So, there's my rant. I tell you what, if the boy comes home sick again this weekend, baby daddy is gonna have his visitation revoked. Though, since it's Christmas this weekend and I get the boy Christmas Eve after I get out of work at 9PM and Christmas Day before I have to be back at work at 9AM, he'll prolly not get sick. But, we'll see...

Whoa. 2 entries in 1 day?!

About a week or so ago, there was a pretty bad car accident out near a town called Byron. A little boy, named Dawson was killed as a result. I was in a relatively good mood until I came across that in the paper. I mean, I didn't know him or his family (that I know of at least) and I knew he didn't survive, but it still just breaks my heart. That poor little baby. I know more about the details than I care to divulge for personal and professional reasons and I think that may have me a bit more choked up than normal, though I get choked up when I read the obituaries and come across one for a child anyway. Hell, I was going through the obits once in Junior High and I came across a memorial poem for a child. I still have it in my purse to this day. His name was Houston Michael Griffin. I didn't know him or his family either, but that poem just ripped out my heart. He was just shy of 2 months old when he passedon October 20, 1994. Here is the poem, since I'm like that and all.

The Red Headed Angel

The memories stand still of that cool fall day
Seems like yesterday
So small and helpless you struggled to hold on
Your pain revealed through those tiny blue eyes
Only God could heal your pain
We tried hard not to be selfish
For we knew your time was near
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died
But the Lord had bigger plans for you
When you left us you took a piece of our hearts
I try to remember what Daddy said
"God gave us two because he was taking one away"
Please watch over Mommy and Daddy from above
For they grieve deeply
Hopefully your mommy and Daddy will heal one day
They are wonderful people
And one day
We will meet again
And I will take you into my arms
And kiss you all over

Love and Kisses and a big truck from Hunter

Reading that again, I'm not sure if it was a poem or a note written from a child to the brother he barely knew, but it still makes me cry.

I also came across this little excerpt I cut off of The Detroit News the same day, if memory serves. I was reading a story about an accident and this part just stuck with me.

Jolliffie died two blocks from her red and white brick home on Junction at about the same time her daughter, DarQuisia Eubanks, 3, bolted upright in bed, saying, "I want my mommy", said Elerson, who was baby-sitting for the child at the time of the crash.
"That will stay with me forever," she said.

It probably makes me look psycho by admitting that I kept these things about people I didn't even know, but oh well. I'm not sure why I carry these around with me. Hell, I'm surprised I haven't lost them actually. I've had these for round about 11 years now and they're in neat perfect condition. They've been kept in countless purses and read and reread I don't know how many times. I'm gonna have to perform home lamination on them soon I think.

Sorry if I bummed anyone out. I just really felt an urge to post those things.

Tales from the PCOS files

I tell ya, I have come to loathe being female when it comes to the reproductive system. I'm sure this will delve into the TMI category for most anyone who comes across this, but bear with me. I need to do some bitching. For those who fear words like period, ovaries and PMS, you've been warned and may go about your business.

Seems the period fairy likes to fuck with my head. After going on an, oh let's see now, 2 month hiatus, the fairy has deemed it fit to make an appearance. Mind you, it's unlike her other appearances. There is no flood gates. No, Holy shit what did I do to make my uterus hate me?! exclamations. Merely a tease. A clever rouse if you will. Will you finally have a period this month? Maybe. Maybe not. I think I'm more disturbed by the fact that I know PCOS can stop menstruation and that seems to finally be happening after years of telling the multitude of doctors to just rip out my girly parts and let me have peace. Or maybe it's the fact that for the last 2 months I've taken over 10 pregnancy tests and have not once received a positive result. See, I never wanted to have children. Not that I would give my son back if someone paid me shit tons of money to do so, but I just was not the mommy type. I wanted to be a STAR! In order to do that and be successful at it, that meant no babies until much later in life, if ever. Well, that whole idea went to shit when I was just turning 20. And I'm not complaining, I love my son more than I ever thought I could love another human being, I'm just explaining my whole mentality about my being a mother. When Alex was about 1 1/2, I began having these incredible pains in the lower part of my abdomen. When Alex was 4, I was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary syndrome. Since my son was born, I would have a period as short as 3 days or as long as 15. Most of the time, the break in between would only last about 2 - 3 days. I would complain to my doctors about going through approx. 120 Super Playtex tampons and roughly 50 Stayfree maxis. My flows were so strong that I would often bleed through BOTH tampon and maxi in about an hour. (Not something I recommend if you're not feeling girly enough, by the way) Along with that, I would have horrible cramps. So, after the diagnosis, they tried to put me on birth control to even things out and while that did help somewhat, it also caused me to loose my hair and develop terrible cramps in my legs that would actually leave bruises. That caused the doctors to worry about blood clots, so that was discontinued. I was also put on Glocophage, which is a common treatment, but also something that made me incredibly ill. See, it's also used as a medication for diabetics. I am not diabetic, which is probably why it caused me to get ill. When I told the specialist I was seeing that I refused to take it cuzz I wasn't able to care for my son properly, she refused to see me again. Heh. Then I lost the Medicaid that I had cuzz at $7.50 an hour, I was making too much money. Mind you, I could barely pay my bills with what I brought home, but go ahead and take away the Medicaid that kept me in the inhalers I need to use so I can breathe and kept paying for the multitude of doctor''s appts I had to have. So, I had to stop going to the doctor and I haven't been back for about a year now. And everything kept going on as normal until October. Then... Nothing. And, while I can't afford another child and I'm still not officially divorced, I kinda liked the thought of another baby around. Alex has been asking for a brother or sister and I miss babies dammit! Now that this is happening, I'm afraid that I may not be able to have more babies. PCOS leads to incredible difficulty in getting pregnant, most often leaving the woman barren. And while I am very thankful for the son I do have, I don't think I want him to be an only child. I dunno...

This has just been something that's been on my mind a lot for the past couple weeks and I needed to get it out somewhere. Not many people who know me know of this blog, so I guess this is where I chose to dump. Again, prolly in the TMI category for pretty much everyone, but oh well. You were warned.

My blog sucks

Whoops! I hit enter instead of tab and it published....

And there was nothing.

Good thing I figured out how to edit! Whoo! Leslee is teh smart!

*ahem*

Now that I have made an ass out of myself, maybe I should get on to an actual entry.

I've noticed that my blog isn't read all that often. And ya know what? That doesn't really bother me. I mean, on DeadJournal and MySpace, I get kinda disappointed if I don't get any comments on an entry I make. Here? Not so much. I feel free to write things here that I don't in those other places. That may simply be due to the fact that I don't think any of my friends know about this thing, though it wouldn't be hard for them to find I assume. After all,brite69 is little internet persona or something. Hell, even people I know in the actual 3-D world people call me Brite! But I think it's the fact that I feel like I can ramble on about random shit and feelings and the whole 9 yards, and I don't have to worry that someone may misconstrue something I write or that someone will go tell someone else that I wrote something about them and then take it completely out of context. I don't know. I just know that I like it.

ok, enough rambling I suppose. I shall up date again when I have something of substance to post about.

Ah yes, I almost forgot...

The Halloween pictures

The quality on them isn't all that great. The batteries were dying in the camera, but you get the point. A ot are of the band. Enjoy!

So, last night was the night of many Halloween parties. Everyone is an asshole for scheduling the things on the same night, just so you know.

My head still has a dull ache. My left eye has decided to become a bit swollen. Fucking eyeballs not being made to withstand mascara wands stabbing them, or whatever the fuck I did to manage scratching my eye this time. I may actually be able to seek medical treatment about it though! When I got home from work on Friday, there was a pretty, pretty envelope with the return address of McLaren Health Plan. My first reaction was something along the lines of, "WTF?! I didn't know you could bill people for going to every hospital but yours." then I sat there for a minute, realized that that is probably not legal, and decided to open the envelope. Inside was a shiny new MEDICAL INSURANCE CARD!!! Upon reading that and the not-quite-so-pretty letter from the FIA, I learned that I have somehow become magically eligible for Medicaid again. I say magically cuzz I was told I made too much money to be able to recieve benefits before I got the raise that doesn't seem like it's there. I'm a tad confused as to how I have medical coverage again, so I'm going to call up there on Monday and figure out wtf is going on. It'd be nice to have the insurance so that maybe, just maybe, I can start going back to the doctor about the PCOS bullshit. I tell ya, sometimes, I wish I had been born a man. Then maybe I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of crap/ Ugh. But that's bitching for a rainy day.

Moving on...

Becky and I went to my company Halloween party for about an hour. In the time we were there, I had 3 cups of beer and 4 Jell-O shits. STRONG ass Jell-O shots. I had a pretty good buzz going on by the time Becky looked at me and commanded me to finish my beer so we could go to the Machine Shop. I complied, peed real quick like and we were on our way.

Got to The Machine Shop and amused Kevin Zink, annoyed Tony LaBrie a bit, and looked for Becky's ex, Del, who had apparently called her. I guess she agreed to go up there for some reason, I'm not remembering what it was at the moment. Seems he also asked her to go out and do something sometime. O_o But, I'm getting off topic. Long story short, Del wasn't there, so we left and headed out to The SHIT SHACK OF DOOM!!!! to watch From This Day Foreword

We get parked and all and walk in and immeadiately see the band. Becky begins our introduction.

Becky~ I am Capt. Obvious!
Me~ She is Capt. Obvious!
Becky~ And this is my trustee sidekick, Ranger Redundant!
Me~ I am indeed her trustee sidekick, Ranger Redundant.

See why Tony would be annoyed?

At one point as the night progressed, I realized that I needed to pee. the only place I had available? That's right folks! The Plastic Shit Shack of DOOM!!! Ugh. They moved it onto the big porch(?) thing next to a wall, so my only fears were snakes, the leech monster thing from The X-Files that lived in a Plastiic Shit Shackk of Doom, and random druck people deciding it might be funny to push it off the porch(?) since there was no longer a way to shake it back and forth. None of thast happened, but I was mildly disturbed when I walked in and noticed that it hadnt been emptied since, most likely, the first trip I made to the Plastic Shit Shack of DOOM!!!! (Look at my earlier blogs for the dat, I'm too lazy to do that for you) I'm serious when I say that there was used, urine soaked toliet paper alomst to the rim of the plastic molded seat. I have never been more happy to have figured out how to perch without toughing ass to seat in my entire life. Ew.

I left around 2AM. The second 2AM. Which was really 3AM. Or something.

Becky stayed out till round 4AM. I caught a ride with Jeff, the roommate from the apartment of happiness. I walked in the door, threw my shit on the couch and went to bed, where I guess I talked to Greg for a half an hour. I'm not sure what I said, but seems I was rambling on non-stop. I'm gonna have to figure out what the hell I said...

Pictures to come, though very begrudgingly. I have decided that the people who make my work uniforms are the devil, along with Boonesfarm and the people who created that damned "Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!" song that wqas in Kill Bill and is now in every fucking commercial I ever hear. I swear to crap I look like I weigh 500 fucking lbs. You'll see when I post the pictures. That probably won't be until next weekend, though. All I have to say is EW.
And, for your giggling enjoyment, I present to you The drama I caused in the bad_sex comm on LJ

Damn. I suck.

Wow. I don't remember when I was on here last. I actually forgot I had it! I happened to be reading some random blogs I have saved in my favorites thingie on my computer and thought to myself, "Hey, that would kick ass if I could comment." Then I remembered I had this and had to figure out my password cuzz I'm ultra smooth and had forgotten it. At any rate, I'm back and hopefully will be updating this more often.

Let's see... Alex is back in school. He was tested at the beginning of the year to see if he'd be placed in Kindergarten or Junior Kindergarten. His grandma (my ex-mother-in-law) was hoping for Jr. Kindergarten and I was all for normal Kindergarten cuzz I know the boy is more than ready for it. So, he and I went in for his testing and then got his haircut. (They were offering haircuts to raise money for the school. He actually got a VERY nice hair cut!) by the time we were done with the haircut, his teacher was ready to tell me his scores. She told me that she thought we had all come to the same conclusion. I'm thinking, "All?" but didn't say anything. They decided he wasn't ready for normal kindergarten wasn't pleased, but I figured I'd give it a go. Maybe he really wasn't and I was being the typical My-Son-Is-teh-Smartz!!!1!1! Mom. I think I was right in thinking he was ready. He's telling me he's too bored to go to school. WHAT?!?! He's 5 years old! I've been trying to get a meeting with his teacher for about 3 weeks now, to no avail. I understand she's busy, but if she can't make time to see me soon, I'm just gonna go ahead and call the Grand Blanc school district and see if they'll evaluate him. If they will and they agree with me, then I'll pull him out of the private school and they can refund my ex-mother-in-law half the money she paid for tuition. I told the ex-husband and he got all uppity, saying, "You know how I feel about that." Sorry, but if it'll be better for Alex, it's gonna happen, regardless of whether or not he has an issue with the school district.

What else... Still at the same job. Going to the company Halloween party tonight for a bit. That should be pretty fun, I think. My roommate and I are going as a duo. She's Capt. Obvious and I am her trusty sidekick, Ranger Redundant. hehehe. I've been practicing saying the same things as people, but differently all day in preparation. I'm borrowing Greg digital camera tonight, so I should have pictures soon.

Not too much else is happening really. Becky's gonna be moving out in a couple weeks, so I have to really crunch some numbers and figure out a budget I can stick to. I have to remember to get the tickets to the COLD concert at The Machine Shop that we're all seeing for her birthday. Um... Darts has started back up. We're still the last place team in the league, but I'm not the last place player anymore! Close, but not quite. LOL

I guess that's it for now. Maybe some random pictures from the last few months to make it interesting...

Or, maybe not. Let me dick around with this a bit more and see if I can figure out how to post pictures with out taking up a bunch of space. I saw that I had a comment to the entry I made forever ago, so if Brock is still reading, I don't want to overwhelm his screen with pictures.

Almost 3 months since I updated this...

Awesome. So, obviously, this will be updated randomly. You will deal with it and you will love it!

Hmm.... What's new. Well, my cat came back. Harley, the cat that I've had since I was 14. The cat that ran off sometime in December. Yeah. She came back near the end of January. It was funny. I had just started seeing Greg. He brought me home one night and as I got out of the car, I heard this familiar meow. I looked at him and said that was my cat, I went to the neighbor's yard where I heard the meow come from. The cat I saw ran under the neighbor's place. So, Greg and I went inside cuzz I had to pee. I was kinda drunk and anyone will agree that women piss ALL the time when they're drinking. So, I pee and start getting my shoes back on so I can go out looking for her. Greg started to get his shoes on, too, which threw me. I'm not used to guys doing things for me. Well, we opened the door and who was on my porch? Yep. Fucking Harley. So, I brought her in, cried over her a bit and blahblahblah. Had to come up with a story to tell my kid about why Harley was back from heaven. O_o

So, yeah. I'm sure you're thinking. Greg. WTF happened to Japheth? Well, not too long after I made the post about saying I was done waiting around, I heard from him. I think it had been about 2 weeks. I was seeing more of Greg and happened to have him over when Japheth called. He had finished the CD and wanted to know if I wanted to hear it. I said not that night, I was tired and wanted to get to bed. Which was true. He sounded pretty surprised, but got off the phone. I didn't hear from him again for another 2 weeks. He left a message saying something about how he was sure I didn't care, but some radio station in Ohio was talking about his band. Tried to make me feel incredible guilty. Well, by this time I was seeing more and more of Greg. I mean, shit. I heard from him by PHONE 2 times in a month. Hadn't seen him at all. Yes. Recording is very time consuming from what I understand. However, picking up a phone to just say, Hey...This is going on but I haven't fallen off the edge of the Earth is not too much to ask I don't think. Every couple of days or something, ya know? Well, I was talking to my friend Brook and she said that they had talked on AIM and he said he was pissed off cuzz I had "blown him off". Excuse me? I blew YOU off? Oh no mother fucker. What the fuck do you think you'd ben doing to me for the majority of whatever the fuck we were to each other? You barely called, you barely came over.... What did he think I was gonna do? Sit there and wait? Sorry. I'm not that type. I sat around longer than I should have probably and I know I felt more for him than he felt for me. At any rate, that is what happened with japheth. Kinda sucks cuzz I liked the kid. I think we could be really kick ass friends. I don't think he'll let me be his friend and I'm too chicken shit to call and see how he is.

So. Greg. He's 25, works in Pontiac doing security, treats me better than I've ever been treated, Becky likes him and, most importantly, Alex likes him. The only thing that I see being a problem is that he drinks a bit much. I've made it known that if that doesn't change somewhat, I WILL put him to the curb. I can't take a chance that he'll wind up like my step-dad. I don't want Alex to go through anything like I did growing up and I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't. I think this one is a keeper though. We'll see what the future holds, I suppose.

Ok, I think that's enough of an update for now. I have run reports to put in order again. (Oh joy) besides...I'm tired of typing.

Bleh...

Ok. I think I may have decided to just give up on Japheth. I mean, if he calls and wants to come over, that's cool. But I'm done sitting around and waiting for him. I mean, shit. I saw him when we woke up Saturday. Since then, I have heard exactly 5 words from him. He was AIM Tuesday while I was working.

Me- Shouldn't you be in bed? LOL
Him- I'm on my way.
Me- Ok then. Sleep well.
Him- Ok.

And nothing since. I called on my way home from throwing darts on Wednesday. I wanted someone to talk to while I drove home. He didn't answer, so I left a voice mail. Still, nothing. I could be over reacting, who knows. I know he's EXTREMELY busy with recording and that tends to distract him. But, a simple phone call in a week is too much? It's not like I'm asking him to give me a fucking itinerary or anything. I just want to know how things are going with recording and how he is. And, on a more selfish note, I'm trying to judge whether or not I'm some fuckbuddy or if I'm something more. He said he didn't want a serious relationship. Cool. I can deal with that. Then he started calling more regularly. After the one argument we've had, he started making it known that he was still alive. Now, not so much. Hell, I doubt I'd have even seen him Saturday if I hadn't been drunk and insisting. I probably made him feel bad for forgetting my birthday as well. I guess I'm expecting too much but wanting him to call. I'm tired of sitting by my fucking phone every night, hoping he'll call. I'm tired of worrying about him when it gets late or when the roads get bad. And I'm tired of not knowing how he feels. Whether or not I'm wasting my time by thinking there may be a chance for something more with him. Just fucking tell me. That's all I want.

Wow. I'm just one huge ass fucking bummer this morning. I think it could be due to all this damned snow that keeps falling. I don't mind snow, for the most part. But when assloads of it fall from the sky at once, it tends to make me pissy. I'm just glad I don't live in New York. I've heard they're supposed to get 18 inches!!! We're supposed to get a mere 8 inches here in good ole Flint, MI. I feel lucky when I think about the shit that they're getting.

I've been listening to a lot of screamy-angry-metal this morning. Lamb of God, The Haunted, etc. Usually that shit makes me all bouncy and in the mood to kick things and/or people. Not today for some reason. Fuckin moody shit. I suppose that'll be all for now. Bleh.

Hooray for boredom!

I am bored out of my fucking skull. I'm so bored that, minus vacuuming, I've cleaned my entire office. I'd vacuum, except that it's 645 AM and my crew is sleeping. I know I'd be pissed if I were sleeping and some psychotic red head decided to start vacuuming just for shits and giggles. Shit, I've been in here singing rather loudly and they haven't woke up yet. Maybe it's cuzz the door's closed. I could still hear my music when I went into the kitchen for my other Coke. Whatever.

So, I've been chatting with this guy, Andrew. Initially, I wasn't quite sure what to make of him. But we've been chatting a lot lately and I find myself looking forward to talking to him. Hell, I've been getting online at home lately and chatting with him for hours. It's weird. He lives in New York and even though I'm attempting to get plans situated to be able to go out there to see him and the band he manages, I don't have very high hopes that'll happen. I'd REALLY love to see this band, Quick Kill Formula. That's the reason Andrew and I started chatting. I left a post on the QKF website talking about being bored at work and needing people to chat with. He IMed me like the next day. This guy is really cool. I'd like to be able to get to know him better cuzz I think we'd make great friends. He says he's scared though. That calling me will make things all that more real. I agree. It totally will. I don't think that'd be such a bad thing, but then again, maybe it would be. Make any sense? Gah....I dunno. Hopefully I'll be able to make that roadtrip in March. Maybe that'll prove to be eventful. At any rate, I'd FINALLY get to see QKF!

I guess that's enough rambling for now. Nothing all that exciting has been happening. Same random bullshit.... Saw Japheth Friday. Haven't heard from him since. I did, however, manage to completely knock the shit out of myself Saturday. I was getting out of a truck at home and slipped and fell on some ice. Mind you, I was completely plowed. The guy that drove me home, Jim, actually caught me as I fell, but I still have this ginormous bruise on my left arm and about 5 nasty ones on my left leg. I hate bruising so easily. I probably look like I've been beat on or some shit. Oh well.

Another birthday...

So, today I am 25. I'm not completely sure how I feel about that. I mean, I know aging is inevitable. There's no fucking stopping it, so why bother to pretend it's not happening. I'm not sure that it's the realization that I am getting closer to 30 or what. 30 has never really bothered me before. For some reason, this birthday is upsetting to me. I can't say it cuzz I don't have the things that other people my age have. Shit, I'm a mother, I've been married, I'll soon have what seems to have become the required divorce for anyone who has ever gotten married. I have a job, I have a home. I don't know what the fuck is making me so down. Maybe it's cuzz this year, I've actually been saying, "Hey, my birthday is on such and such day." or "Hey, my birthday is in this many days." And, as usual, no one seems to remember. I'm not sure why I thought that this year would be different. I don't know why I suddenly care. All I know is I am pissed off and I just want to go home and crawl into bed. I'm fucking tired and I want to sleep. I'm fucking stressed out and I want to smoke, but I can't. I want to drink, but I can't. I'm so fucking stressed out that I don't feel like I have a handle on my emotions and that's pissing me off even more. I love Becky and I understand why her money situation is the way it is. She didn't intend it to get to his point, but there's only so much you can do when assholes control your paycheck. I just paid all the bills to make sure we were up to date. I also had to pay the court part of my fines yesterday. I still have to find a way to pay for my fucking tags on my license plate, an entire fucking headlight assembly for my car. I have to figure out how the fuck I'm gonna pay the vet to make sure the cats are ok. I have almost $50 to last me until my next check, which will be here on the 21st. And if Becky can't pay her share of the rent this month, I'm fucked. We need a place to live. I'll have to put off my other obligations, like my fucking court fines, in order to ensure we have a roof over our heads. I need to be able to work more, though I have neither the time or the energy to put in any more hours. I only work 48 hrs a week, but being that I work 12 hour shifts, it's hard for me to find someone to watch Alex for that long. And I don't' see that baby enough as it is. And, on top of all that shit, I'm feeling like ass cuzz today is my mother fucking birthday. What the fuck is wrong with me? Maybe it would help if the people I care about actually remembered it this year. I know they won't though. No one I care for ever remembers.

Dear lord I sound SO FUCKING EMO. I need shot....

Happy Arraignment!

So, I to be arraigned today for driving on a suspended license. Ok, I suppose it was yesterday, but I've been up since 6 AM Tuesday, so for me, it's not today. Make sense? Yeah....I'm thinking not.

At any rate, I actually got off really well, considering what I was facing. Seems I could've been sentence to 90 days in jail and up to $5000 in fines! O_o It was kinda interesting. I was probably the 6th or 7th person called up. Everyone before me was there for drunk driving. Everyone. And they all plead Not Guilty. I couldn't figure that out. I mean, shit, if they gave you a breathalizer and YOU FAILED, you'd think pleading No Contest or even Guilty would be better. hat way you don't have to worry about court fees on top of everything else you're already gonna owe. but, whatever. I plead guilty, cuzz, well, my kicense actually was suspended. The judge chuckled a little when I spit that out. heheh. He asked me to explain what happened and I told him that I had paid some speeding tickets pretty late, but that I wasn't aware of my license being suspended until I was pulled over. I also explained that I hadn't received the statement regarding the $45 reinstatement fee until I got home the night in question. Everything was taken care of as soon as it was possible. I was pulled over on a Saturday night and it was all taken care of Monday morning. He looked at me and said, "Well, I'd have found ya guilty anyway. You're fined $175. Can you pay that today?" Um...NO! I told him I could pay part of it, but the majority of it would have to wait until I got paid again on te 21st. He said no problem and told me to sit down and wait for the bailiff to get some paperwork and blahblahblah. Well, just before the bailiff took me out, I heard what the kid that went up after me was charged with. Keep in mind, this kid was ultra skinny, black hair pulled back into a ponytail, glasses and though he attempted to dress nicely in a white button down shirt and black slacks, they were very wrinkled and he looked not so good in them. But, you MUST remember the ultra skinny part. "People Vs. blahblahblah You are being charged with indecent exposure." Teehee! He pleaded Not Guilty as well! Seriously, someone saw your wang dude. May as well fess up and possibly;y avoid the bigger fine or even jail time. If even one person can accurately describe your wang, you're guilty. Hope the poor bastard didn't sleep with a girl and then piss her off. What a way to get back at an ex...

That's pretty much been the excitement of my day. That and I discovered I am obsessed with Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Holy yummy! And wonderfully hyper-inducing. At least, I think that's why I'm so full of energy. Hmm.....

Brite's Bitching Corner

So, I have randomly decided that not only will I use this blog to entertain myself at work, but I will also use it to write about things I don't want to put in my DeadJournal cuzz I really don't want to hear any shit about it. I love my friends, I really do, but sometimes they're a little much. I mean, shit, we're all opinionated as hell, but there are some things that you don't need to comment on. Especially if you've already made it known that you don't approve/like whatever the subject matter may be about. Sometimes people just need to get shit off their chest and not see any kind of comments. Most of the time I welcome them. My friends give some great advice. But then there are times when they make comments that hurt me. Most likely, I'm being overly sensitive, but who the fuck knows.

Ok, essentially, the only thing I feel like I can't talk about on my DeadJournal is Japheth. My friends are pissed cuzz he made me cry. I do not cry and when I do, I do not cry in front of people. It's very rare that I cry at all, and when they saw that, he instantly went on their shit list. Don't get me wrong, I love that they care for me that much. But the choice to be with him or do whatever the fuck we're doing, is mine and mine alone. Even if they think it's completely retarded of me, which I know they do, show me some fuckin support sometimes. I feel like I can't even mention his name most of the time cuzz it'll be met with some smart assed retort. I don't mind most of the time, I do the same thing. But when I see that they're trying to reach out to me or just simply want me to listen, I allow them to do that, with out the smart ass commentary that we're all so fond of.

So, that being said, I will make this entry my little bitching corner. Obviously, that has already begun, but I thought I would just give ya'll a warning or something. Ok, so Japheth. That boy does something to me. I have NO clue what it is, but normally, I would not put up with some of the shit I've been dealing with with him. Maybe it's cuzz I've gotten more understanding in my old age. Maybe it's cuzz I've decided not to listen to everyone around me. Who knows. What I do know is that this boy is on my mind a lot. More than he should be probably. We spent New Year's Eve together. That was nice. All we did was stay at my place, get drunk and listen to music. But we were actually spending time together and I really enjoyed it. I don't get to see him as often as I'd like to, but I know he's busy. He has a full time job and his band is extremely important to him. As a matter of fact, they've been recording recently and that's been eating up basically all of his free time. At any other point in my life, I think I would be handling this very badly. I'd probably be freaking out and making myself look psychotic. But now I'm just taking it for what it is. His life. So far, he has really given me no reason to think he's out there dating hordes of other women or anything like that. And I'm actually not even worried about that with him. There's something about him that makes me believe he wouldn't do that, even if we were just fucking around. He's told me there's more to it than that and I believe him. Even though he's not sure what to tell me as far as what we are (couple, fuck buddies, etc), I believe there's more to us than just fucking around. Maybe I am being stupid, who knows. What I do know, is that I enjoy being with him immensely and that I've developed feelings for him. Whether or not he has feelings for me as well remains to be told. We both seem to have a very difficult time letting our feelings be known, so neither one of us may open up anytime soon. But, for the most part, I'm happy with the way things are. The only thing that kinda irks me is when he doesn't call. I know he's insanely busy, but I like hearing from him. As I said, any other time in my life, I'd be freaking the fuck out. I guess I've calmed down through the years. LOL.

Ok, I guess I'm done. Hope you enjoyed Brite's Bitching Corner. Stay tuned...

Holy caffeinated Brite!!!

WOW! I've been awake since about 8 AM yesterday and I am fucking wired! I love caffeine...

Ok, so it's now 2005. Nothing really exciting. I just feel old. I'll be 25 on the 13th. I know that's not really old or anything, but I feel like I am. I am SO not where I wanted to be at this age. By now, I was supposed to be famous on Broadway, maybe breaking into the movies or on my way to a singing career. Yeah, that never happened. Instead, I live in Flint. I work in the same town I was pretty well raised in, this is the place I've lived most at least. I'm getting a divorce. I'm a single mother. And I have nothing I can call my own. I rent my home. I do own my car, but it's such a piece of shit now that I soon will not have that. I have a new kitten, but that's a cat. Heh. I've taken some college classes, but no where near enough for any kind of degree. I'm a fuckin loser! What a way to start off the new year. Major realization: I HAVE AMOUNTED TO SHIT! So, maybe this year I'll change that. I'm thinking I don't want to do college. I'm thinking I'm gonna become a Paramedic and save people. I really like working in EMS. If I take the course through my job, it won't cost nearly as much or last nearly as long. I think I'm going to become obsessive about my exercising habits again, as well. I've gotten rather flubbery and I don't like it. Time to quit being lazy. I need to get back on teh vitamins, too. At least the Niacin. So, I'll be red for a couple of days. Who the fuck cares? That shit helped me drop weight before. Maybe then I won't feel so unsure of myself and I'll be able to initiate things more often.

That makes me think of New Year's. I've been seeing this guy, Japheth, for a few months and he came over to spend New Year's with me. Totally unexpected, but I'm glad he did. It was nice. Just the 2 of us sitting in my kitchen, getting drunk, listening to music and talking about whatever random things popped into our heads. I made him listen to this band called Quick Kill Formula. He was amazed by the guitarist. He'd be saying something and then stop in mid-sentence and just stare at the radio. LOL At any rate, by the time it became 2005, we were both pretty tanked. I'd been feeling pretty frisky for quite sometime, so while he was on the phone with one of his friend's wishing them a Happy new Year, I decided to have some fun and started fuckin with him. Kissing on his ears and his neck cuzz I know that drives him nuts. Well, I'm not gonna get into details, but at one point, he told me he liked that I was taking the lead cuzz I rarely ever do so. Thing is, I like being dominated. Pull my hair, push me around, I really like that shit. Which is another reason I rarely take the initiative. Guess I should change that up, eh?

Ok, THAT was quite the pointless entry. Meh. I don't give a fuck. I just felt like typing for some reason. Probably cuzz I'm procrastinating. I've got this this ginormous stack of runs to go through and put in numerical order. Not anything difficult, just very mind numbing and seeing as how I dislike papercuts, I'm not looking forward to doing it. Not too mention the stack is damned near a foot tall. I shit you not. So, I procrastinate.

I am bored with writing in here at the moment. I can't come up with anything interesting to write about. Damn not having a life.

It's 33.3 Degrees outside...

For some reason, that caught my attention and held it for a moment. The little thermometer thingie said 33.3 degrees with a wind speed of 3 from the south west. Too many damned 3s if you ask me.

So, I never did end up going out or anything on Sunday. Not too long after I made my first post in this thing, I had to dispatch an ambulance to my great-grandfather's house. Not fun. They still don't know what's wrong with him, though they think his cancer has come back stronger than ever. So, needless to say, I was no longer in the mood to go out. Instead, I sat at home, drank a couple of beers and talked to Japheth on the phone. He asked how I was ad I told him. He said he felt bad and blahblahblah. Becky came home from work and rolled her eyes and stomped around some when she heard who I was talking to. That makes me feel like shit, but whatever. She does as she pleases. So, I was talking to him and he started to talk like he was gonna let me go. Then he said he needed two hands if he was gonna park in front of my house! YAY! I swear, this boy can make me completely retarded sometimes. It's so weird. But I hadn't seen him in about 2 weeks, so I got excited. He came in and I think he wanted to talk about something, but Becky didn't go over to Dell's that night and she wanted to talk. So the three of us sat around and smoked and bullshitted. I guess she was talking to one of her friends at work about how she wanted to do something kick ass for my birthday and the chickie asked Becky what I liked to do. Well, Becky only heard part of the question. Her friend had asked what I liked to do with my friends. Well, Becky didn't hear that so she said, "Fucking." Nice. I couldn't even look at Japheth. I was bright red from embarrassment and I was laughing so hard I thought I was gonna piss myself. See, Japheth is fucking AMAZING in bed! I can honestly say that boy is the best I've ever had. But we don't have sex on a regular basis or anything. If I had my way, we'd be fuckin every night! But, he rarely ever stays over night anymore. And when I have my son, I make him wear pajamas and I'm kinda leary that Alex might walk in. But, when he and I first started seeing each other, we spent SO much time together. It was really cool. I liked it a lot. But, his band has picked up their normal schedule and that takes up a lot of his time. Cool, I completely understand that. But, Becky also blew up one night, which she apologized for. Ever since then, he's been rather scarce. I think she really freaked him out. She said she was sorry, and I know that took a lot for her. I wish it would've made things better all the way around though, ya know? Dear lord, I sound like a fucking 15 year old like bitch. Someone, please fucking shoot me.

I took the new kitten to the vet yesterday. Poor thing has an upper respiratory infection. I have to give her antibiotics orally twice a day and this gooey eye shit three times a day. She still loves me though. My son was in rare form. I've never wanted to just shake him and say, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" as much as I did today. He wouldn't listen for anything. Wouldn't leave the cats alone. Wouldn't pick his shit up. Wouldn't leave me alone when I was cleaning his room. he punched me, threw the cats and yesterday he opened the box that held his keyboard with a fucking butter knife!!! I don't get what is going through his mind. Damned 4 year olds anyway. LOL

Ok, I think I've done enough damage to myself by blathering on forever about seemingly worthless dribble. I'm serious about the whole "Fucking shoot me" thing. I really don't like sounding like some whiney ass bitch.

Well then....

So, I've decided to create myself a blog. I figure this will give me something else to occupy my time with while I'm working or sitting at home with insomnia. I'm sure no one will read this and that's fine by me. I mean, shit, I doubt I'll be posting anything of any relevance to anyone other than myself. Anything really life altering goes in my Dead Journal anyway, since I seem to have a rather good hold on how to make things private and what not over there. This shall be a way to amuse myself. Being that I'm one of the funniest bitches I know, that shouldn't be too difficult.

I've decided that I am bound and determined to go out and do something tonight. Go somewhere that I can get a beer and smoke as much as I want to. And, preferably, be able to get on a stage and sing my ass off. I got my roommate, Becky, to get up and sing Broken by Seether with me Wednesday after we threw darts. It was rather comical. Becky has this thing about trying to nail voices dead on - even if she should raise herself up a 1/2 step or so. Sounded like Shaun Morgan is no easy feat for a chick, but usually getting the basic melody out there will suffice. Yeah. Becky tried to sound like Shaun. Hehe. It wasn't completely horrible-wanna-beat-her-ass-for-being-tone-deaf, but it wasn't exactly good either. I couldn't help but laugh, which got her laughing. That was fun. Then I broke out into the part Amy Lee sings cuzz their communists at that karoke bar and don't have the for real version, which is the best. I was floored when I heard people yelling and clapping and shit. I mean, I know I can carry a tune and all, but I never expected a kick ass reaction out of a bar full of redneck-country lovers and metal heads who were ready to explode from listening to horrible country karaoke. I wanted to stay longer so I could sing more and, well, drink more beer. But, since my accident a few Sundays back, I don't drive at night. Being an official "beer car" now has my ass kinda paranoid to drive around downtown Flint after dark. Seems that cops think they're entitled to pull someone over when they're driving with only one headlight. They also seem inclined to write tickets or impound the cars of people who drive with no insurance. Heh. THAT should be remedied sometime in the next week. *crosses fingers* I JUST got my license reinstated after I got pulled over on my way home from work due to afore mentioned headlight. Seems my license was suspended (oops). I should've gone to jail, but I was still in Durand and had my uniform on still. I swear, I have never been so happy to wear the ever sexy DVA dispatch uniform as I was that night. I have to go to court on January 11th (2 days before my birthday by the way) cuzz of that shit, so my mommy helped me get my license back. Now I just have to figure out a way to duct tape a light to my car and get me some of that that insurance. SO, back to what I was originally talking about. I want to go out and do something tonight. Ever since that neat=o reaction I got from the crowd on Wednesday, I've been itchin to get my ass back on stage. I doubt I'll be doing anything, though. Becky will probably be going to Dell's, which YAY for Becky being happy and gettin some ass! I'll most likely end end sitting at home again, doing laundry, drinking either beer or some type of hard liquor (not sure if I'm gonna be ambitious enough to stop and get something after work or not) and getting online so I can fuck with people. I may end up at least talking to Japheth on the phone, but who knows if that'll happen. Boy is just way too busy. He needs to sit back and breath for a fuckin minute or something. But, whatever. *shrug*

Ok, now that I've effectively rambled on for awhile, I think I am gonna go fuck around with this blog thing and see what all I can do.