CATS!

So, I've decided to post pictures of the cats. See, I should be cleaning. But I am procrastinating, since cleaning day really isn't until tomorrow. The boy and I have a play date (that word amuses the hell out of me) with a friend of mine from high school this afternoon and while I love seeing my friend and her kids and I'm the one who initiated the play date, I'm not wanting to leave the house. Ever. It's the vicious cycle I go through where I want to be social, but I rellyreallyreally don't want to. Heh. The boy is excited, though, so there will be no cancelling. He graduates kindergarten tonight, so I'm sure there will be pictures of that coming as well.

Now, onto the CATS!




Aw, Baby Mae. She's so docile that whenever she decides to break out the little toy mouse on a stick and play with it, we're amazed. She's solid, too. We joke about her being fat, but she's really just solid.


Mydna (sneezer) Marie still needs to be spayed. Hoping to do that next paycheck. Until then, Greg's just gonna have to put up with her mounting his feet for pleasure. o_O


Baby had been giving Squeaker Ann a bath, but I guess Squeak decided bath time was over when the picture was taken. LOL



There's a couple better pictures of Mydna. She's our little fluff ball. I'm tempted to shave her just to see how big she actually is. She's the tiniest kitty. We think she's topped out on growing.



You'll have to excuse the mess that is my bedroom. Squeaker likes to lay in there all day long, much like Harley used to. It's like she decided to take over Harley's role as oldest cat. She gets most of the privileges Harley used to have.


We can't figure out why Baby seems to be going bald, but she is. That big spot on her tummy is from where she was spade. It grew back in, but now it's falling out and the area that's going bald is much bigger than where they shaved her. She's also losing it on her knees and backs of her legs. It's almost like she cleans too much or something. Harley would pick her fur off, but when she did it, she'd leave scabs cuzz she kept picking and picking. The vet said she had allergies. Baby doesn't get that much into it, but she cleans constantly.

Welp, those are my kitties. I saw a bunch in the newspaper yesterday that looked just like Harley. They said they were more than likely going to be put down cuzz no one had adopted them yet. If I had more room, those cats would all have a new home.

Stupid sun and other random thoughts

So, I took the boy the Burton Memorial Day parade yesterday. It was... Well, it was different. See, I'm used to parades in small town, like Durand, where people stay on the curb or the grass by the sidewalk and watch the parade.

The boy and I got there about maybe 5 minutes before and parked near the Speedway on Bristol and Center Rds. I wanted to get a pack of cigarettes before hand, but quickly decided against that when I saw how many damn people were in there. It was kinda freaky. We got our spot near one of the driveways and I sat on the ground so I wouldn't block the view of the people behind me. One of the other moms told me I might want to stand up cuzz it could get violent when it came time for the candy to be thrown. That's when I noticed that all the kids and some of the parents had plastic bags. The boy and I were sorely unprepared.

The parade started and more people came. One group had what appeared to be two moms and like 6 kids between them. One of the moms was saying something about keeping her kids in check cuzz it was just candy. Another mom that was on the other side of me said something to me about tripping the big kid if he started picking on her kid, who was considerably smaller. Then the mom on the other side of me was saying something about it being a bunch of bullshit cuzz it was just candy but she'd throw down if she needed to.

Yeah, it was seriously like that.

I told the boy not to fight with any of the other kids over the candy cuzz he had plenty at home and he did really good. At one point he tried to hand me a handful of Tootsie Rolls to put in my pocket and I told him no (we have this ginormous Tootsie Roll wreath that he got for Christmas that's barely missing a side), so he decided to just put them behind one of the smaller kids so he could "find them". The kid's mom (the one who was ready to trip kids) asked why he did that and I explained so she and her husband were on the look out for different kinds of candy for him.

Quite a few times, the cops had to come over and tell everyone to back up. I didn't realize it, but we had gone from the curb to the double yellow line and the people across the street were at the white dashed line. That was different. LOL

We watched the entire parade. It started at 100 and ended around 230. We got there maybe about 115. So, I was out in the sun for about an hour and a half or so.

Remember how I keep telling you guys how I have a hate/hate relationship with the sun? Well, check out this shit:




The part I circled is the ONLY part of me that got ANY color.

Yeah... No bra and no make-up is pure sex, I know. Try not to jump into your computer monitor trying to get a piece of that. o_O

The boy didn't have school again today. He played outside with some kids he met a few weeks ago all day long. That is, he played outside with them when they weren't in here trying to undue all the fucking cleaning I did today. It would seem that I've been dubbed the "cool mom" cuzz I let the kids play with his toys and have popcicles. Apparently, I am so cool that these kids don't feel a need to knock on my door, they just walk right in. Not too sure how I feel about THAT one.

8 Things You Don't Know About Me

So, Cricket has tagged me for this. Since I don't know anyone besides her that reads this blog, I'm going to copy this to my DeadJournal (there's a helluva lot more entries, but I've got them on a privacy filter, so you'd have to get a DJ and be my friend in order to see them) and tag people on there.

Hmm... 8 things you don't know about me. This is more difficult than it sounds.

~ I'm thinking about going to school to become a mechanic. Cars have always fascinated me and I'd love to be able to work on my own car and not have to waste time and money waiting for some shop to fix it if it breaks down. Mechanics also make decent money, so that's a plus.

~ I hate leaving the house without showering, yet I love getting dirty. Whether it's getting all greasy from building something or muddy from playing on the ground, I love getting dirty. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that I find sex outdoors to be awesome. :-P

~ I tell people that my son was conceived completely by accident, when in reality I wanted to get pregnant cuzz I was convinced that that would be the only time I'd be able to. I had no business trying to get pregnant at 20. I must be psychic cuzz I was diagnosed with PCOS a couple years after he was born and it's very likely I'm not able to have anymore children.

~ When I get drunk, I wake up the next morning with chapped, red lips. No one else I know has that happen when they drink, yet it's happened to me everytime.

~ I am completely enthralled by celebrity gossip. I have no idea why and I think it's completely worthless, but I cannot seem to get enough.

~ I haven't worn a swim suit in 12 years.

~ I love horror movies, but I can't watch them alone. If I do, I wind up scaring myself so much that I won't be able to get off the couch or out of the bed (depending where I'm at when I'm watching the movie, of course) until someone comes home.

~ I reallyreallyreally love the smell of diesel fuel. Like when it comes from a school bus or an old truck or something. I don't know why, but I just love that smell.

Damn... That took me almost an hour to do.

The Jerrdog nuptuals. Also, the infinite smoothness that is Leslee.

So, it's been a week since I traveled to Indiana for the Jerrdog wedding. I've been meaning to write about it, but every time I start, I get lazy. Probably due to the fact that I am with out my phone and it's kinda making me batshit crazy, but who knows. At least I can still check my voicemail. Heh.

So, Becky and I were going to leave at 11 last Saturday, but we left at 12. 12 was the original time to set out, but I had suggested that we go a little ealier so we could stop at a store along the way so I could see about finding a bra that wouldn't show. I wore black, but it was a little lower cut than I thought when I bought it and I couldn't find any bras at home that wouldn't peek out.

*cough*

Anyway, we hit the road at noon and the ride went smoothly. There was a point after we went through Lansing that kinda freaked me out. For some reason, there's a stretch of I-69 that's not visibly bumpy, but makes your car shake and bounce. It felt like my tire was going flat. I was tempted to pull over, but I never did cuzz I figured I was just being worried over nothing. See, when I travel any real distance, I love to be the one driving. It helps calm me down cuzz I know if anything happens to go wrong with the car, I'm the one in control. I worry about the car breaking down when I'm far away from people I know, but I don't tend to worry as much as I would if I weren't driving.

We got into Indiana and were making great time. We shopped a bit in search of bras, but found none. Seems stores don't like carring ginormous. Bastards. I wound up buying shoes, though, cuzz I accidentally on purpose left my shoes at home. Heh. From there, we decided that we'd look for a hotel, grab something to eat real quick and then go to the wedding. It didn't quite work out that way. First of all, there are not that many hotels around Ft. Wayne, which is odd cuzz there was a shit ton of them listed on the intarwebs when I was being brilliant and wanted to book a room months ago. Unfortunately, I suck with teh monies, so I was never able to book one. We drove and drove and drove. Saw a Holiday Inn Express in New Haven, but Becky wanted to keep going to see if there was somewhere cheaper. Ok, so we drive and drive and drive some more. We come across an actual Holiday Inn. Becky calls Jerry to see if he has any clue where we might be able to stay and he tells her to go back to New Haven cuzz of some basketball thing that was going on that weekend. Heh. So, we go back to New Haven and snag a double queen smoking room. For it being a weekend, we got it for relatively cheap.

By this time, it's like 430 or 5 and the wedding started at 6 in a small town that I can't remember the name of, but I think it was like 20 minutes outside of Ft. Wayne or something. I drove down looking like your typical Flint-white-trash-ghetto chick, so I had to get dressed and fix my hair real quick. I was brilliant enough to have done my make-up before we left or else we'd have probably missed the wedding. Heh.

We got to the church with about 10 minutes to spare. Becky found Jerry's mom and introduced me and then we were ushered to a pew. The wedding started and Jerry kept making all these faces at Jessie and it was full of giggles and general happiness. It was a beautiful wedding. I wish someone had told us that there wasn't any flash photography allowed, though. We brought the camera and no one said anything to us when we got there, so, thinking it was ok, Becky started to take pictures during the ceremony. After she took a picture or two, we saw other flashes going off, so at least we weren't the only ones being assholes. *snicker*

As we were walking out after the ceremony, I noticed a familiar face in the last pew. When we got out of the church, I asked Becky if she recognized the guy and she said she wasn't paying attention. I told her that I could have sworn I had just seen Sahaj from Ra. Sure as shit, just a few minutes after I said that, he walked out the door. We talked to him for a bit and found out that he had come straight from sound check and was actually only going to be at the reception for a little bit cuzz he had a show that night. I still think it was awesome that he was able to go at all, let alone being able to squeeze it in before a show.

We went to the reception and gerenally felt out of place. I mean, we were out of state surrounded by people we didn't know and we were sober. There was NO way to not feel out of place. LOL The wedding party got there and they were introduced and then Jerry and Jessie were introduced. They walked in to Blind which made Becky squee with delight.

And that is when the keg came out.

Like the proud Flint beer drinkers we are, Becky and I beelined to the keg. They had little cups out at first and, since I was nervous, I pretty much threw back the beer at the speed of light. I tried not to cuzz I didn't want to look like I drink professionally in front of people I didn't know, but I decided at some point, that I really didn't give a fuck anymore. Becky and I told Jerry that part of our wedding present to him would be to make sure the keg didn't go to waste. I think we accomplished that. There was even a keg stand, which I don't think pleased some of the old people (looked like grandparents). Of course, it could have just been due to the fact that I was over there and had pissed off an old guy (grandpa?) when I went out to smoke. In my infinite smoothness, I walked outside talking loudly, as I often do, and managed to say something involving the word Fuck. Shocking, I know. Anyway, Becky and I turned the corner to go smoke under the pavillion and there was a dude in a kilt (I think his name was Turner) and an old guy (grandpa?) staring at me. Immeadiately, I said I was sorry and then I fell back on what would become my excuse for the rest of the night. I said, "I'm sorry. I'm from Flint."

*blink*

Yeah. Again, I was working the infinite smoothness.

So, we drank and met some awesome people, like Mama Heart (Hart?), who said that she would let us stay at her place for $95 a night when Becky told her we were charged $100 for our room. She even offered to throw in breakfast. LOL

After the reception, Becky and I decided that we wanted to drink some more. I wanted to go back to the hotel and change, but Becky just wanted to get to the drinkin. The first bar we went to we should have stayed at. It was really close to the hotel and we could have stumbled back if we got to lit. But, it was playing country. Becky is an avid hater of all things country music. We sat down and got giant beer and Becky went to talk to the band cuzz she saw the drums and wanted to pet them. I decided to chat up the bartenders and fall back on my nifty little "I'm from Flint" reasoning while talking to them about being robbed or something. A chick at the bar started talking to me about something and Becky came back and said she couldn't take the country music and we needed to find somewhere else to go. The chickie talked to her and told her about a place and even drew us a map. So, we were off.

The other bar we went to was kind of a dump, but it was kinda like being back in Flint. LOL The beer was cold and cheap, so that pretty much sold us. The fact that there played something other than country music was a plus as well. We drank and decided that we needed breakfast. Well, Becky agreed when I said I wanted breakfast and I kinda insisted that we find someplace. We got directions from some random bar guy and started walking to where ever the hell it was we were supposed to go.

At this point, I should probably point out again that we were still dressed from the wedding. This plays a slightly import role.

The place we were heading to was supposedly right down the street. Keep in mind that this place is like the size of Gaines. We were walking down the street when I decided to display my infinite smoothness yet again. Seems I thought it would be fun to see what would happen if I stepped on one side of my shoe while I launched my body in the opposite direction. Those of you who know me personally should not be surprised by this. You should also not be surpirsed that I managed to bite it. Hard. In my wedding garb. In front of a group of strangers that were walking down the street in front of us.

See? INFINITE SMOOTHNESS. It makes me sexy.

(Incidentally, this is when we think Indiana decided to eat my cell phone)

The group of strangers decided to be good ole small town folk and help me up. One of the guys even helped walk me over to a nearby stoop cuzz walking was just not in the cards after my awesome trip to the ground. They stayed with me while Becky went to get the car. The guy who helped me told me that he had just gotten out of jail, which obviously means that I should have fucked him right then and there. Heh. He told one of his friends, who happened to be a paramedic and confirmed that I had indeed fuckered my ankle, that he was obligated to help any and all girls "whose boobs were hanging out". Um... I know I what I was wearing was low cut, but I was far from having my boobs hanging out. Meh. Becky drove up as he decided to try and get a look at said boobs.

We drove to a gas station to get a soda or something and Becky asked directions back cuzz we had lost the helpful little map somewhere in our travels. He got us LOST. In a place the size of Gaines. Yeah... We went to a different gas station and discovered that we were literally just around the corner from the hotel. We got back there and promptly layed down and fell asleep.

We left just before check out at 11 the next day.

So, that was my adventure to Indiana, otherwise known as The State That Eats Cell Phones. What we think happened is that my phone either fell out of my purse when I bit it and one of the group picked it up or someone took it out of my purse while I was waiting for Becky to come around with the car. Either way, it's gone and I doubt it will ever be seen again. Dammit.

I believe I said something about pictures when I threw up that bulletin about not having my phone. I have 4 that I can put on here, since I was too lazy to actually load them all up on my photobucket while I was at home. Remember, I told you that the fact that we went out in our wedding garb played a slightly imporant role. That role would be comedic in nature. You'll see why here in a second.




Jerry and his bride, Jessie.



Jerry and Becky being weird. I was insistant on getting odd pictures for some reason. I think the purse brings out Jerry's eyes. Well, the purse and that bottle of booze.



Me and Jerry. Notice the beer. Also, Jerry is way prettier than I am.

Here is where the comedy comes in. Those who know me, know that I have not worn anything like this for YEARS.



Yes, that is a dress. Yes, I wore it of my own free will. Now, picture the fall I described. See where the wedding garb makes it funny?

I'm contemplating wearing that tomorrow when I go out for Mother's Day with the fam. I'm not sure if I'll wear it or not cuzz I think it makes me look pregnant. We shall see.

So, that concludes my entry about the trip to The State That Eats Cell Phones. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I also hope you're all laughing your ass off at my infinite smoothness. My ankle is better now, thank you.

Weird things happen to me A LOT
It's true. Something weird will happen to me or to someone I'm very close to at LEAST once a week. This is, by far, one of the weirdest things I've had happen.

So, I'm sitting on the couch, playing Zelda cuzz it has become my crack. My phone rang. I looked at the front and noticed it was an 800 number. Since it's after 9PM, I knew it couldn't be a bill collector or anything like that, so I figured it might be someone I know calling me with a calling card or something. My gramma does that sometimes, so it's not unheard of.

I answer the phone and it's obviously a recording. I caught it mid-sentence. The dude was saying something about how he thought that I worked too hard and that I needed a break.

Uh... Yeah, I do kinda need a break, but how the fuck does this recording know that?

As I continue to listen, Mr. Recording Dude tells me that he hears I am a doctor. He likes that. He tells me he's going to get his stethescope. Then he starts talking all seductive, telling me that I work too hard and that he knows an isolated island in the Bahamas and that I will have servants and he'll be there, waiting to massage me and check me out with his stethescope, so I don't have to be the doctor for once. He told me that he couldn't wait to see me naked in the sun.

HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

I seriously think I was just prank called by a phone sex recording. He was going into details when I hung up the phone.

Weird, huh?



Can't.Stop.Giggling.



Back to Zelda.

Heh. So, after 2 weeks and deciding to say fuck the gmail account I have and creating a different account, I've been able to log into my blog. How awesome for me. o_O

So... Let's see. There's been a shit ton of stuff I've wanted to update about, but couldn't. Let's see if I can condense it.

~New cat. She is a little black fluffball of energy called Sneezer Marie. She sneezes ALL.THE.TIME. And all my cats have to have a middle name for reasons I can't name. She seems to be agreeable with the name and, really, she doesn't have much of a say in it. :-P Greg wanted to name her BJ, but I immediately vetoed that. It seems that in the 2 years we've been together, he still hasn't grasped the fact that my mind has taken permanent residence in the gutter. To me, and the majority of my friends, BK = Blow.job and I wasn't havin that. In his innocent mind, he thought BJ would stand for Baby Jr. When I looked at him and said blow.job, he blushed and giggled.

~My uncle almost died this week. He had a pretty massive heart attack. Massive enough that, even though there was a cardiac ambulance ready and waiting at the hospital he was at in Mt. Pleasant, he had to be flown by helicopter to Covenant in Saginaw. Since Covenant decided to be assholes and wait 24 hrs to do anything, I was pretty irate and panicky. Honestly, if someone NEEDS to be flown in by helicopter cuzz their condition is THAT dire, wouldn't it seem like a no brainer to think they'd have some kind of priority? I guess only people who THINK would come to that conclusion. My mom went to the hospital that night and the next day and asked when my uncle was even going to SEE a doctor and they had the balls to tell her that there were more "emergent patients" that needed to be seen first. *insert confused face here* Even if I didn't work in EMS, I feel safe in believing that I would know that any patient that needs flown in is emergent and shouldn't be made to wait 24 hours before seeing a doctor. Yeah. He waited 24 hrs before he even SAW A DOCTOR. (So, I might still be a little pissy) Anyway, he had a heart cath and it showed that his entire anterior wall is blocked and there's another blockage, I forget where, that's blocked 50%. Instead of keeping him there or transferring him out to another hospital for surgery, they discharged him. My mom's hoping to get him to come down here.

~I get to speak to my doctor about testing me for ovarian cancer on Monday. This is stemming from me reading and freaking myself out. I'm sure I more than likely do not have cancer, but when you read a list of symptoms and realize you have all but 2, ya tend to wonder a bit. When you read that in the majority of cases, digestive and urinary problems are diagnosed before anyone even THINKS to test for cancer, you kind of start to freak, especially if you've just been diagnosed with both. Then you push yourself over the edge when you read that the majority of cases are not caught early due to patients not being forceful enough when requesting things be done or when describing symptoms that have been around for a while and have been worsening. 4 years. I've been dealing with this shit for 4 years and not once have I ever had an MRI, CAT scan or my CA 125 levels tested. By all accounts, these tests SHOULD have been done at some point. So, cue me freaking out. Again, I'm next to positive that I do not have cancer, but with the reading and the family history and the holy--shit-that-sounds-just-like-me, I'm kinda paranoid.

I think that's pretty much it. I may or may not have completely killed my friendship with Becky. See, she came up to darts the other night in tears cuzz her water meter was broken and the company wanted to charge her $185 to fix it. I offered to pay for it, but she needed to pay me back. Then she broke down and told me that she was $1300 behind in rent. Well, I'm a very generous person when I'm drinking. I like to make everyone happy cuzz if everyone else is happy, I'll stay happy. Without consulting Greg or thinking about it much, I told Becky to just move back in. Well, last night, I had to have her check and see if the other option she'd been given was still open. My mom and my brother kinda both dumped on me that they might not have places to stay here soon. Now, the brother, is ALWAYS on the verge of not having a place to stay. I think that has something to do with being 21 and next to no job experience, but I could be wrong. My mom has run into some issues with cars and rent increases and more money being spent on gas to get to a job than is what actually being brought home from said job. So, if it comes down to it, I will have my whole family in my little place. That will make 6 people and 3 cats in a 3 bedroom place. Could be interesting if it actually falls into place. So, with that being said, I had to see if Becky could move in somewhere else. I know she's pissed. I'm sure she probably feels slighted since when I left my ex-husband, she let Alex, Harley and me move in at a moments notice. But, what do you do with this situation? Someone is gonna be pissed off regardless of the choice.


My work schedule has finally gone back to normal. After working 7 days a week for just over 3 months, I am MORE than willing to be unemployed for a bit. I told Greg he needs to hurry up and start making more money so I can do the stay-at-home thing. I'm not sure if I'd be able to do that and stay sane, but I am MORE than willing to try. And I know he'd like to be able to make enough money for me to try it. Oh well. Maybe one day.

And that's pretty much it. I feel like I've just written a book! Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you can't access something for a little bit. :-P

I almost forgot to update about what went down with the bank account. That company wound up cashing the other two checks and haven't done anything else since then. My aunt want to wait and see what happens until she can come home in either March or April. If there's no other intrusion until then, we can just wait until that point to switch everything to another account, which will be slightly easier than having to try and fax all the paperwork back and forth between here and Japan. So far, everything's been going smoothly with it, so I'm crossing my fingers that it'll be done and over with. I'm not gonna hold my breath for that, though.

Stupid fucking scammers

Ok, so back in the summer, some random kids came up to my door selling magazine subscriptions. I've gotten magazines like that before, so I didn't think anything of ordering again. I realized a day or two later that I am a moron when it comes to math and I didn't have as much money in my account as I thought I did. I issued a stop payment on the checks that I had written and that was that.

Except that it wasn't.

I checked my bank account online last night when I got home from work so I could double check my math after I had deposited a check that was cut due to my job deciding it didn't need to pay me 40 fucking hours. Yeah, you read that right. My paycheck was 40 fucking hours short. Anyway, that has been remedied and I deposited the money and looked at my account. There was a check that had been presented and cashed. "Hmm...", I thought. "I haven't written any checks lately." I couldn't view the check then and I couldn't find the checkbook it had come from to look at he duplicate to see what the fuck I decided to write a random check for. (I'm seriously a horrible pack rat. I have old paystubs from my very first job just in case I might need them for something. For what? No clue. But I might need them one day) I told Greg about it and that was that. I looked at my account this morning and could view the check. It's made out to Great Lakes Circulation. The date on the check? 1-12-2007. Here's what REALLY gets me.

I didn't sign the check.

I know that companies can do electronic checks, but I NEVER authorized that to happen. The fact that they used a check number that had a STOP PAYMENT issued on it really pisses me off. They didn't use my full LEGAL name for the signature and on the back, there's an account number or something, some kind of number, that was printed on there by a computer or typewriter or whatever, then CROSSED OUT and another one written in by hand. I am PISSED. I'm going to be calling the telephone banking system here shortly to see what the fuck is going on. If I have to close this account and open a new one, I'm pretty much fucked. My aunt lives in Japan and has to be on the account with me, or I can't have it. (Thank you fucktard ex-husband for completely slaughtering my credit)

I Goggles Great Lakes Circulation and found some sites that said it was nothing but a huge scam. I'm thinking that's true, since they were able to cash a check that I stopped payment on.

Ugh. So that's been my morning. I might post about the doctor's appt I had the other day, later. We'll see how the day goes.

Birthday Shenanigans

So, I suck at updating when I say I will. In my defense, I've been training my minion (new dispatcher) and I haven't been in front of the computer. When I get home after work, I'm barely able to eat before I curl up in bed. Seriously, these 80 hours work weeks are killing me. That fucking minion better be trained enough to go on his own soon.

Yeah... Birthday shenanigans. I turned 27 on the 13th. Yippie? I decided to take the 14th off work so I could get pleasantly drunk with out having to be hung over at work the next day. Turned out to not really be needed, even though I decided to drink Long Islands all night. Heheh. Not too many people made it out, but whatever. The only two people I wanted to be pissed off at for not going were Bobbi and Jeremy and how am I gonna be pissed when one had a grandparent die and the other was legitimately sick. Meh. All in all, it was a pretty good time.

Oh yeah. There is photographic evidence in existence.



Becky's ass. Just because. I'm not completely sure when and why this was taken, but there it is and now it's burned into your mind. Mwahahahaa!



This is Becky singing. I can only assume this was taken shortly before the ass shot, but I have no idea.



Leara, who has always been very, very skinny.



See? Very, very skinny. I've known her since I was 12 or 13 and she actually has meat on her bones now. Believe it or not, she has spit out 4 kids. For real. (Please excuse the black ball in the picture. That hoodie is just SO comfy!)



Here I am showing off my drunken Rock Star skills. I'm such a badass.



Greg, being a putz. LOL I told him to smile so I could take a nice picture of him and while this one isn't really that bad, he's only smirking and it irks me a bit. The bastard.



The obligatory tongue picture. I must always have my tongue out in at least one picture.



Becky and Chris.



Apparently, this was Becky's pose for the evening.



My friend, Naomi. She's the one who gave me my first cigarette cuzz I was pissed off about something and threatened her. Yeah, when I get lung cancer, I'm gonna blame her just to see if she believes me or not.



Leara, Naomi and me in a booth at Dakota Lodge. See, Dakota Lodge started out as a restaurant and I liked it. I guess that wasn't bringing in the big bucks cuzz now they've turned it into some retarded nightclub. They still serve food, but I'm not sure how in the hell they can get it to their customers since you can't walk around in there with out rubbing up on people. Seriously, it sucks. I requested a song from the DJ and was told under no circumstances was any kind of rock music supposed to be played. I slammed my long island and we got the hell outta dodge.



I'm laughing cuzz I think that is when Becky's boyfriend decided to tell me to move my feet cuzz he was gonna piss on the floor. We really didn't like that place. No, he didn't actually pee on the floor, though he did seriously consider it.



Downing the long island so we can clear the fuck out.



Random picture taken by a random person. Not a flattering picture by any means, but it makes me giggle. Seems that my buttass white skin makes my teeth look very yellow in pictures and my eyebrows look like they could glow in the dark. They're really no where near that bright. And my teeth aren't really yellow like that. I promise.

So, that concludes my birthday shenanigans. We started out at a sports bar, went to a karaoke place, then off to a piece of shit night club/foodery and ended up at The Machine Shop for 80s with Rockstar. Good times.

I honestly didn't think they'd kill him so quickly. I mean, they were given 30 days to execute him. The conspiracy theorist in me is thinking it's all just a little too convient. Like they're saying the killed him, but are actually hiding him. The rest of me is thinking they just wanted it done and over with after all the years of bullshit he put his country through.

Either way, I hope the families of all the people he killed are able to find peace now.

Is it bad that I want to see video footage of this?

Check out my Slide Show!

So, I'm more than likely going to take this down come the new year, but here is Christmas at Brite's Homestead. The boy got a shit ton of presents and didn't bitch once about not getting the XBox360 that he was convinced Santa wouldn't need money to get cuzz he builds all his toys. Matter of fact, when he was opening his presents, he kept saying how he had asked Santa for whatever it was and how he must've been really good this year. Thing is, I wasn't the one who took him to see Santa, so I had no clue as to what he had asked for. Guess Santa really kinda does exist! LOL



***Pictures Removed***

I'm never doing that again. I told Greg last night that I am never putting another cat to sleep. It was horrible and I'm never doing it again.

So, it looks like I'll be putting Harley to sleep tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll do it before or after work. I only work 11 - 3 tomorrow, so I could do it whenever, really. I'm kinda leaning towards doing it after work cuzz I don't want to come in here with red eyes and make up all over my face, but then again, I don't want to be sitting here at work thinking about it all day. Ugh. This sucks.

A couple nights ago, Harley was laying down next to Greg and he was petting her. I had walked out of Alex's room into the living room and she started growling and biting her leg. I saw what I thought was spit and was kinda WTF? Then there was just this fountain. She pissed all over the couch and Greg and was growling and shaking. I laughed, cuzz dude, she just pissed all over Greg. The night before that, I went to pick her up in Alex's room and she growled and went for my throat. Seriously. She ended up biting onto my bathrobe right next to my throat. I let her go and she wouldn't let go. She hung there off my robe by her teeth. I had to pull her off me. Freaked me the fuck out. That night, she peed in Alex's bed, in the living room and the next morning, she peed in the kitchen. There's this spot on the counter that she has claimed as her own now. It's kinda gross cuzz, ew cat on the counter, but we can't keep her off it. We put her down, she gets back up. So, she kinda lays there on the one part of the counter. She eats and gets right back up there. Her fur is falling out and she's chewing it off again, too. 12 and 1/2 is pretty old for a cat, I guess.

So, that's what my Christmas money from my aunt is going to. Alex told me last night that he didn't want Harley to pass out. He meant pass away. I explained to him that she won't be hurting anymore and he liked that, but he still doesn't want her to go. I dont' either. Hell, Alex has had Harley around since he was born. I've had her since 1994. Ugh. This fucking sucks...



Harley in the LCD TV box. It was her kitty clubhouse.



Baby running across Harley's clubhouse.



Squeak tempting fate by taunting Harley



Glowy eyes



Circling the toilet to make sure it is all set for prime peeing pleasure



Peeing.



MOUSIE!!!



See the mousie?



Aw.


I have more pictures of her on the camera at home. I guess the internets are gone at home again for some reason. When I get them on the internets, I'll post those, too.

What's really gonna suck is when Alex comes home on Sunday and asks where she is. She disappeared before, right around Christmas. We thought she went somewhere and died, so we told Alex that she went to heaven. But then she came back. He was scared that she was a zombie for a little bit. I hope he doesn't think she's gonna come back this time...

ABCs for Cricket

It's a slow work day, so why not a meme?

[A is for age:] 26

[B is for beer of choice:] Sam Adams, Amber Boch (or bock maybe?)

[C is for career:] Emergency Medical Dispatcher

[D is for favorite Drink] Non-Booze- Iced Tea Booze- Red Headed Sluts

[E is for essential item you use everyday:] Hairbrush

[F is for favorite song at the moment:] Here's To Another by Smile Empty Soul

[G is for favorite game:] The boy and I play a lot of Clue Jr and Sorry. He's not as big a fan of Connect Four as I am, though. I LOVE that game!

[H is for hometown:] Ya know, I moved around so much as a kid that I consider Flint my hometown, even though I've only lived here for like 5 years

[I is for instruments you play:] I play piano by ear

[J is for favorite juice:] Lime

[K is for kids?:] one son (and one adult boy)

[L is for last kiss?:] Last night

[M is for marriage:] Did that already. Not sure if I'm gonna do that again

[N is for full name:] Heh. The only place my whole name is posted I believe is my poetry site and on poetry.com. If you're REALLY feeling froggy, go through these posts and see if you can find the link to the poetry site. I can't remember if I linked it or not, though, so good luck!

[O is for overnight hospital stays:] Over night when I was 15 for gal bladder removal and 3 nights when I had my son cuzz they said my insurance would pay for 3.

[P is for phobias:] Spiders, clowns, making phone calls, small places...

[Q is for quote:] "Believe me, nothing is trivial" Brandon Lee in The Crow

[R is for biggest regret:] I don't really regret any of the choices I've made, regardless of the consequences cuzz if I hadn't gone down the path I did, I'd be a different person and I'm not sure if I'd be ok with that. The only thing I wish could've been different is that the whole getting married thing could've been put on hold. I think if I'd had more time, I would've never gotten married. Hell, I was already pregnant when I got married, so I was gettin the kid regardless of whether or not I wore a ring! HA!

[S is for sports:] Hockey, football (GO BLUE! KICK OSU's ASS!), basketball

[T is for time you wake up:] Lately it's been 530AM

[U is for color underwear:] Yes.

[V is for vegetable you love:] Brocolli and LETTUCE!!! (I never spell that right) I heart lettuce. My mom used to yell at me when I was a kid cuzz I'd eat it heads at a time. o_O

[W is for worst habit:] I'll go with tearing myself apart. I'm always doing that.

[X is for x-rays you've had:] Head, arms, chest, legs, abdomen... My doctors used to tell me that I was going to glow in the dark when I got old

[Y is for yummy food you make:] Everyone loves my chicken soup, vegetable soup and hamburger casserole. OH! And my chili

[Z is for zodiac sign:] Capricorn

So, last week, I dropped $50 on concert tickets. Mind you that while I had $50, I could've been a lot more responsible and spent it on something needed for my family, rather than concert tickets. I figured it would be my way to reward myself a little for working damned near an entire month straight with only one day off. And besides, the 4 other people I bought tickets for would be paying me back on the night of the show. The concert was last night.

And I stayed home and slept.

See, one of the people that was going messaged me via MySpace cuzz I can get on it at work right now and I left my phone at home. I guess she'd had a migraine that had pretty much kicked her ass all day long. I'm talking puking and the whole nine yards. Ok. It sucks, but I can completely understand that shit like that happens. She had asked me to pick up a ticket for a guy she's wanted to go with us, but he never called her back. That's 2 people down, 2 to go. The other girl couldn't go cuzz while her parents had agreed to baby-sit, they were MIA, so she couldn't utilize their services. Ok, I've had that happen before, too. Again, I can completely understand that being something that would keep a person home. The last guy that was gonna go decided that he was too broke. That kinda pissed me off. I mean, I had already bought the ticket. If he couldn't give me the money for the ticket last night, I wouldn't have made it an issue. Hell, I had pretty much decided to tell him that I wouldn't take his money and that the ticket was his birthday present. So, other than not being able to drink, he really had no excuse. But, to top it all off, the girl with the headache had told him that she'd buy him some drinks and with the way I know the owners of the place we were gonna be, he wouldn't have had to worry about paying for a damned thing. 5 tickets were purchased and, at the last minute, I was the only one who'd be able to go.

I went home and told that boy who thinks he lives with me what happened and he immediately said he'd go with me. That threw me a bit cuzz he NEVER wants to go anywhere with me, especially to concerts. We tried to get some other people to go, but everyone was either sick or were already busy. In the end, I opted to just stay home and go to bed. Same thing I've been doing for the last month.

I guess it's not really that big of a deal, except that I'm out $40. Oh, and the pesky fact that staying home when I have concert tickets, even if it means that I go alone, DOES NOT HAPPEN. That's not me. If I have concert tickets, it usually means that I reallyreallyreally want to see the band their for. I had been looking forward to this concert for a very long time. And, in the end, I offered no fight. I simply laid down.

I've lost myself somewhere along the way. I've suspected that for a while, but last night made it incredibly clear just how much of myself I've lost...

Disintegration

Disintegration
by
Jimmy Eat World

I've spent my last nights
strung up and pulled tight.
Holding out, sleeping proud
An answer comes without a please:
Do what you want.

[Chorus:]
Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss.
Rather live my life in regret then do this.
What happened to the love we both knew?
We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me,
you burn me you'll burn me.

Hushed with a finger
don't say you'll never when you might,
Or just another time.
This poison comes instruction free.
Do what you want, but I'm drinking.

Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss.
Rather live my life in regret then do this.
What happened to the love we both knew?
We both chased.
Hanging on a cigarette you need me,
You burn me you'll burn me.

try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh
try to lie better next time, stay on my side tonight oh [continues through chorus]

Wonder why I'm so caught off guard when we kiss
Id rather live my life in regret than do this
What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased
Hanging on a cigarette you need me you burn me you'll burn me
What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased
Hanging on a cigarette you need me you burn me you'll burn me






I love this song and, really, the lyrics speak to me. They speak what I'm feeling and what I've been feeling for some time now.



This poison comes instruction free,

Do what you want, but I'm drinking.



Yeah. Do what you want, but I'm drinking. I don't give a shit anymore. Look down on me, I don't fucking care. I'm not drunk around my son, so does it really matter?



Hanging on a cigarette, you need me

You burn me, you'll burn me



I'm always burned in the end. Doesn't matter what the fuck I do. I'm always burned in the end...



Rather live my life in regret than do this



There are so many things I'd rather do, regretting it be damned. But I have no choice. No choice at all.



There are so many other things that I could have done with my life. So many other things I could STILL do, but where do I begin? How do I get to the point where I can do the things I dream? I can't. At least not to the point where I could do the things I REALLY dream about doing. Hell, I can't even do what I need to in order to make more money. I have no time to be able to complete the schooling I need to in order to be able to work on the ambulance. At least not if I want to see my son. I can't get to a point where I feel like I matter to anyone. To anything. I'm just here. Just fucking here.



What happened to the love we both knew, we both chased...



I have no idea, but I know I'll never see it. I know I'll never experience it. Not again.



Happy Sweetest Day.



(If you want to hear the song, it's on my profile, but I make no promises about it loading. I changed my profile so it'll load better. Rumor has it that the strip I had tiling made the page way hard to load. I wanted a scene from Annie's Suicide in What Dreams May Come, but I couldn't find it and I can't screen cap movies. I guess Chris leaving Annie while she's at his grave will have to do.)


Ugh. I neglected this. AGAIN. I didn't intend to, I just haven't felt... Like myself. I haven't in quite a while. I don't know why and I don't know how to get it back. I've been thinking that maybe if I take the classes to get my EMT license and, eventually, my Paramedic license, that maybe that'll help. Then I realize that I barely see my son enough now. Once I start those classes, I'll never see him. I need to do something, though. I know I'm stressed out over all the random bullshit drama that seems to pop up involving my ex-husband. Bastard can't tell me the truth about things that actually matter in our son's life, but he can grow the balls to mock crying and tell me to "get over it"?! Such an ass. Hell, even his girlfriend/fiance told me the truth! And I'm worried about all the fucking tests I'm having done to rule out PCOS. I don't get it. I've been experiencing the same symptoms and the SAME pain for the last 3 years, but now I'm suddenly in too much pain for it to be caused by PCOS? Huh? What did I miss?

But, I think what gets me the most, what hurts me more than anything and makes me retreat into myself more and more, is the fact that I don't have anyone I can turn to and just bitch about it. I don't have anyone to just sit back and listen and give a shit that I feel like I've lost myself. That all this shit I have running around in my head is making me insane and causing me to attempt to ignore everything that is bothering me cuzz it doesn't matter. Greg and I watched that movie The Break-Up with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn last night. At one point, he's explaining to her how he didn't' really hear what she was saying to him cuzz she didn't say it in a way that conveyed it was anything that truly mattered. Like she wasn't crying and acting all defeated. He said something about how it just sounded like blahblahblah to him. So, I asked Greg if that's what he heard when I talked. He told me only when I was upset about something. I just stared at him. A few weeks ago, when the drama with the ex-husband was coming to a head, I freaked the fuck out. I started sobbing and couldn't stop and everything that I had pent up inside about what had been happening with my son just came flooding out. We were going to bed and he had to work the next day, so I kept trying to go out into the other room so I wouldn't keep him up. He kept telling me not to go and that I wasn't bothering him. I went out anyway and he followed me out there. We went back to bed about 15 minutes later, I was still sobbing uncontrollably and he was passed out asleep in, seriously, 15 seconds. The next day when I tried to apologize, he said it didn't matter. When I tried to explain that it was just all starting to be too much for me to deal with, he asked me what I was talking about. I haven't tried to tell him anything of any real importance since.

There's one person who I think I could just completely unload on and he'd actually care and let me do whatever I needed to do so I could maybe start feeling slightly like myself again. I'm just afraid that if I do go to him, I won't be able to turn back. And I know that if I do turn to him, it's just gonna lead to more fighting and stress in my life and I don't know if I can handle that. Not right now.

This is the way it's always been, though. You'd think I'd be used to it by now...

So, I was going to update about seeing Stone Sour, Deftones and Korn on Saturday the 9th, but I was rudely interrupted by a fire extinguisher.

Yes, a fire extinguisher. Let me tell you a story!

I'm sitting at work, minding my own business and doing what I'm supposed to be doing at work. I'm listening to a nurse or an assistant or someone that doesn't know what they're doing, trying to figure out where they want me to take a patient. Suddenly, there is a commotion behind me. One of the guys I work with had dropped his phone and bent down to pick it up while sitting in the Chairs of Death. (They are two chairs that are attached by a bar and tip over if you twitch wrong) The Chairs of Death live up to their name and proceed to tip. The chair that is in the air decides it will be a good idea to hit the fire extinguisher on the wall mount. The fire extinguisher pretty much says, "Screw this" and jumps off the wall mount. When it hit the floor, the floor got pissed and broke the pin that kept the handle from being squeezed. The pin, pissed off at the floor for breaking in, wedges itself into the handle, keeping it in the squeeze/deploy position. For some reason, the fire extinguisher was pissed off at ME and aimed directly at me, spewing forth it's fire stopping goodness. The ENTIRE fire extinguisher deployed in my office. I have asthma, so that pissed my lungs off. I was made to go to the ER where I work and they made me ride in the bambulance to the big hospital a few miles away. I was there over night and was told that I have chemical burns to my throat and lungs. I now have 3 inhalers to use and a pretty sexy, gravelly man voice. The crew that came in for the night shift visited me in the hospital that night. One of the crew is also a fire fighter. He tells me that something like that happening is seriously, like, 1 in a million odds.

The cracked out stuff ALWAYS happens to me.

I might update later about watching people fall in the mud at the concert. We'll see.

Imagine my surprise when I opened up blogger to update and found that I was already logged in. Wouldn't be that big of an issue at home, since I use mainly Explorer and Greg refuses to use anything but Mozilla, but I'm not at home. I'm at work. While I don't think anyone here would have the balls to mess with my blog (post a cracked out entry or something along those lines), I don't like the idea that had any of them been ambitious enough, they could have read every single thing I've ever written on here. That bothers me, probably a lot more than it should. There are things on here that I haven't even told my best friends about, let alone the people I work with. I don't think anyone here really cares that much about what I do with my life, so I'm probably safe, but it weirds me out a little. Meh.

So, budgeting is a bit better, I suppose. Still scraping, but I'm not as stressed out about it as I was. Rent has been paid, other things will be paid. I'll be putting off getting a couple of things I need, but I'll survive. I have one pair of pants I can wear and I can carry my purse with only one strap, even though I feel incredibly ghetto doing that, but I can put it off until next check. The boy turns 6 soon. I need to figure out what the hell I'm gonna get him for that. We're taking him to a Tiger's game on Sept 5th, which is about a week after his actual birthday, but he has no idea. Greg wanted to get tickets ON his birthday, but I have to work the next morning. I can't see keeping him out till around midnight, just to wake him up at 530AM so I can take him to his grandmother's so I can work. At least this way, it'll still be for his birthday and we can all sleep in the next day. His great grandmother is paying for him to have a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's. My mom paid for one when he turned 4 and he absolutely loved it and started talking about it around her, so she figured that since he was talking so adamantly about it, why not? And that's cool, she knows there is just no way I could swing that. They want to do it ON his birthday, though. Really, it's not anything horrible, I just feel a little shorted, I guess. I made arrangements to have his birthday off and I was wanting to take him to this restaurant that he likes and invite family and whatever. I mean, I wouldn't be paying for everyone, but I thought it would be nice to have all his grandparents and which ever aunts and uncles could/would come out. Now, if I still want to do that, I need to figure out a different day. I'm not gonna say anything to her about it cuzz I know it means a lot for her to be able to that for him and who knows how long she's gonna be around? Not that I'm trying to put her into her grave before she's ready to go, but you just don't know when that might happen. It'll make everyone else happy, so why not? Maybe I can get everyone together the day before? Things have always been kind of a hassle when planning the boy's birthday festivities. My family and my ex-husband's family haven't really meshed together well since he took off with the boy when he was 4 months old. The ex told his family a bunch of lies about me and my family and, at the time, they completely believed him and kept where the ex and the boy were a secret from me. That was three days of sheer fucking hell. Both families have since realized all the lies that were told by the ex and really don't know if anything he ever said could be believed, but the bad blood between the two families is still there. To be fair to both families, they've always made an effort to not let the boy see the ill feelings, but he can sense tension better than cats can see in the dark.

I'm starting to hole myself up again. I have no idea why. I'm still having problems sleeping, though TylenolPM has helped me with that, as well as taking an edge off some of the pain I'm in. I take 4 every night just so I can sleep. I've told 2 doctors that now, and yet neither one will give me anything for pain. Heh. The new doctor, the OB-GYN, is more than likely going to recommend I have more surgery. He seems to think that the problems I'm having aren't PCOS after all. I think he's leaning towards endometriosis, due to the family history of that, but I've never shown any scar tissue or anything to really suggest it, other than the pain and the cracked out girlie times. Nothing has shown up on the ultrasounds, which I guess my last one looked completely normal, and there was nothing to indicate that in the laprascopy I had. He had me sign a records release so he could get the report from that surgery and that's cool. Maybe there was something on it that the other doctor just missed or something. Most likely, though, I'll be having another laprascopy done. Hooray exploratory surgery.

I'm trying to plan a trip to New York for October. I've told Greg about it and he remembers that when we first met, I was planning this same trip, so he knows who I'll be staying with and all that. He seems pretty disinterested. I'm really hoping I can go this time. I've been trying for damned near two years. I should have all my time in by then to be able to use my PTO time, so that'll work out nicely. I earn more PTO every hour I work, so it won't be that hard to build back up.

I've come to the conclusion that Greg doesn't know me. And that he doesn't really care to. I try to tell him things and I feel like I'm bothering him. When I tell him things like how I feel like I need to go out somewhere and sing or how I much I miss doing theater, he just kind of shrugs or stared blankly at something. He never tells me I should try and do it again. He never tells me that he'll take me out so I can do some random karaoke, which, ok, it's karaoke, but I'd still be singing and that's as close as I can get right now. He never goes out with me to see bands. He tells me the music I like is "gay" or some other random term he decides to throw out. When I'm watching something on TV, he gets a hair up his ass about "needing to listen to a song". Ok, go ahead. He then will play whatever song it is over what I'm trying to watch, which just happens to bug the living shit outta me. When I turn of the TV, he always asks me why, like every other time I've told him that it bothers me never happened. Then he gets pouty and will either plug in the headphones or go out to his car to listen. When he goes out to his car, I always have to go out there and ask him to turn it down some cuzz I can hear it inside. He tells me he loves certain foods and when I make them, he refuses to eat or he'll make something else. He tries to get after me, saying that I should be fine eating just once a day, never bothering to remember that when I don't eat at least three times in a day, I tend to pass out. You'd think that after he witnessed me passing out after darts one night and hitting my head hard enough on the floor to draw the attention of people a pretty good distance away, that he'd remember. He tells me that I must not have anything worth while to do since I spend a lot of time on the computer. He never seems to remember that I work 12 hour shifts, constantly in front of the computer, which is when I do a good majority of anything computer related. He likes to tell me that if I would just exercise all the time and drink a gallon of water a day, I'd lose weight. He never bothers to think about all the research he did into PCOS and how weight loss can be almost impossible. When I tell him I'm going to the doctor to see what can be done to help me either handle my symptoms better or get rid of them completely, he tells me I shouldn't see an MD, but a doctor who specializes in natural remedies. He likes to tell me that MDs are full of shit and they'd rather prescribe pills than find out what's really wrong. He never bothers to remember when I tell him I have no prescriptions to fill. He likes to forward me things telling me that something I know is right is, in fact, wrong according to whichever site has decided to put up something that differs from fact. He likes to tell me how the church says this, that and the other thing and if people don't believe that then they're going to Hell. I'm going to Hell.

I've pointed out so many things that are negative. It probably seems that everything is just one big downer with Greg and I. Truth is, not everything is bad. He makes me laugh. He loves my hair. He tells me that he feels like he was made just for me when we have sex. He loves my cats. My son adores him. There are a lot of really good things. And, though it may not seem like it, he treats me better than anyone ever has. But, I'm still lonely. I'm still upset. I still feel like crying at the drop of a hat. I find myself analyzing just how much would be different if he weren't there and rationalizing that it would be easier if he weren't there.

I still feel empty.

And I can't figure out why.

Blarg.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Blarg.

Ok, so there's more than blarg. Really, I put that out there to kind of deflect the fact that I am incredibly pissed off. I'm listening to Quick Kill Formula to help ease some of the anger, but I don't think it's helping today. I'm not sure if it's just due to me being very moody right now or what. I'm pissed off at myself. I'm pissed of at Matt. I'm pissed off at Greg. Mostly, I'm pissed off at myself, though.

I am flat broke. I have zero in my bank account. I have just about $1 on my child support card.

I don't get paid until Thursday.

I need groceries. I need laundry crap. I need gas.

I have no way to obtain any of those things I need.

I'm pissed off at myself for letting myself get into this situation yet again. I'm pissed off at myself for feeling like I need to bail Greg out when he fucks up and doesn't have enough money to get gas to go to and from work. When he spends his gas money on pizza and fucking beer. I'm pissed off at myself for failing to see that I was falling into the same cycle I was in with my ex-husband, mainly due to the fact that Greg loves to work, whereas the ex did everything he could NOT to work. I am pissed off at myself for getting behind on the electric bill this winter and not being able to get it back into good standing, some 6 or 7 months later. I'm pissed off at myself for not being able to survive on my own if Greg were to go. I'm pissed off at myself for being 26 fucking years old and still needing to ask for help.

I shouldn't need to ask for fucking help anymore.

I'm pissed off at Greg for being an idiot with his money. For not realizing that everytime he bails on bills, he's making me slowly develop an angry kind of loathing towards him, even though I tell him that I can't handle that kind of shit. I'm pissed off at Greg for ignoring me when I tell him I need him to be able to pay the fucking rent. I'm pissed off at Greg for not having the rent money for the third fucking month in a row. I'm pissed off at Greg for tuning me out when I tell him I need him to get his fucking head on straight. For tuning me out when I tell him he needs to either curb his fucking drinking or just quit all together. I'm pissed off at Greg for always telling me about how he reads that beer has minerals and vitamins, so it's good for him, like I'm a fucking idiot. I'm pissed off at Greg for obviously deciding that the fact that I've told him repeatedly that I will NOT allow my son to be raised by an alcoholic step-father, as I was, is not something he needs to be bothered with. I'm pissed off at Greg for acting oblivious when I get upset, like I've never told him any of the issues I have with the way he spends money, the way he drinks, etc. I'm pissed off at Greg for making me feel like an asshole for falling in love with someone who puts so little into everything, while at the same time expecting me to put everything into our survival.

I'm pissed off at Greg for being Greg.

I'm pissed off at Matt for being a fucking worthless father. For being so spiteful that I will now have to fight him in court to obtain full custody of my son, who he brushes off every chance he gets. I'm pissed off at Matt for lying to me time and time again. For offering to help me pay off the lawsuit his grandparents brought against me and allowing me to think that maybe, just maybe, he had finally pulled his head out his ass long enough to see what a fucking hole he put me in while we were married. I'm pissed off at Matt for telling me he realized what an asshole he was while we were married and that he wanted to make things right as much as he could (financially) and then taking it all back once his ex-fiance took him back for the umpteenth time. I'm pissed off at Matt for making my son sleep on the floor, while Dannette's kids each have beds. For making him sleep on the floor cuzz they always have someone else over sleeping on the couch. I'm pissed off at Matt for not letting my son take a bath when he's there. I'm pissed off at Matt for asking his parents and/or grandparents to keep my son every weekend, with out fail. I'm pissed off at Matt for using my son to get back at his parents for all the shit he went through as a child. I'm pissed off at Matt for making my son ask me why he can't see daddy. I'm pissed off at Matt for allowing pussy to control his life. I'm pissed off at Matt for being so fucking co-dependent that he makes my son cry. I'm pissed off at Matt for not just allowing me to have full custody.

I'm jealous of Matt for getting a house. I'm pissed off at Matt for giving her everything he had always promised to give to me.

I'm glad that Greg's working the night shift tonight. This will give me some time to myself. Maybe I'll write or something. Most likely, I'll sit there wishing I had the money to get a fucking fifth and a carton of cigarettes. I want to just drink everything away, for just one night. I want to escape everything, for just one night. I want to pretend that I've made it and I don't need to ask my family to help me support everyone.




Really, I just wish I could escape it all.

Just for a little bit.

I'm so fucking sick of all of this...

Ugh. Time is being sssssssssllllllooooooooowwwwwwwwww again. At least I only have two hours left to go. I think I'm pretty safe in my assumption that the time being slow thing is due to this being the last day of my work week. I'm totally looking forward to 3 days off. I'm kind of dreading it a little, though. See, the boy, he ADORES going outside. The temp is not supposed to be any kind of comfortable. Since the boy and I both have asthma, that's not a very good thing. Factor in high humidity and you've got asthma attacks just waiting to happen. Which, in turn, means I will have an abundance of whining directed at me, which I loathe. I'm thinking that I might be able to take him walking along the trails at the hospital again, though, which he loved doing the other day. This will give me a chance to get his Albuterol filled so he can take some on his trip up north with his grandparents this weekend. Maybe the catfish will be out again.

I've been exercising for the last week or so. The boy brought that on after the walk along the nature trails. I bought a Gazelle from a friend a while back and the boy loves it. One of his favorite things to do is pester me about using it. If he were a little taller and possibly a little less of the ADD mentality, I'd let him use it more. As it is right now, though, he's either 4ft or just over and that just freaks me out when he gets on it. But, I was feeling like being a nice mommy that night, so after we went on our walk, which included a brief pit stop for tree watering, we went to Kroger and got some stuff to make sandwiches for dinner and then we ventured back to the homestead. After dinner, we watched a couple cartoons and then it was time to exercise! He was so excited. I think it was a little too excited, but since he's 5 everything he gets excited about is, in his words, "the ultimate". Yeah. He told me that when we exercised, it was going to be "the ultimate". *snicker* Anyway, so we did that and then he went to bed and I figured I may as well keep doing it. I haven't used the Gazelle since that night, but, in my defense, I have issues exercising at home in front of anyone but Alex. Since Greg has been home when I get home from work, I've just exercised in morning before work, which doesn't leave me time to haul the Gazelle out from under the couch and use it. He works the night shift this week, so I think Alex and I will be exercising again, which, of course, means mommy gets to drag out the Gazelle. At least I can make sure he's not using it as a jungle gym or something.

I've decided that I am going to map out ideas for a book. I've toyed with writing something like that since I was 11 and had written my first poem, but I never really did anything. I wrote some really stupid short stories and a play or two when I was around 12 or 13, but that's about it. Man, I came across the folder I have with those stories in it a few weeks back. WOW. They were just... Stupid, for lack of a better term. If I remember right, every single one of them involved the main character getting into some type of major car accident. And everyone was named things like Swan and Heaven. I thought I was being SO creative by naming the characters things like that. HA! I've read some happy little romance novels with names like those in them and they struck me as completely cheesy. I had forgotten that I, too, had dipped into the same cheese. I think I might try and stay away from that this time. ^_^ I'm thinking of writing a thriller. Kind of along the lines of Patricia Cornwell. I won't copy her style or anything, but that kind of format is what I'd like to go with. Some kind of crime and how it gets solved and danger! I really like Patricia Cornwell.

Welp, it's stopped raining outside, so I think I'm gonna go blacken up my lungs. I know, I know, I just went on a semi-rant about asthma. But I like smoking dammit!

Ugh. This day is moving very slowly. I've been up since 5AM, which isn't really anything new, but it feels like it should be later than 1115.

Went in for the ultrasound. That was fun. (Can you FEEL the sarcasm?) Seems it wasn't enough to have just the run of the mill ultrasound. Oh no, no, no! I got have a very special vaginal ultrasound as well. I hate those. There's just something a little unsettling about having a stranger routing around in there with what looks to be a rather large toy. At least it didn't hurt this time.

I keep forgetting to get the blood draw. I was going to do it on Thursday, but I had to work. I picked part of the shift, so I could've had it done before I went in at 11. Provided, of course, that I would've woken up at the time I was supposed to. The alarm was clearly set for 730. I have a fuzzy memory of the alarm going off, hitting the clock, hearing the radio and then nothing. I woke up at 11. I was an hour and a half late to work. Neat. I'm blaming the Metformin. Or Glucophage, whichever. I really don't think it matters much since one is the generic of the other.

I've decided to be ambitious about losing weight and have started a morning exercise routine. Not sure how long it'll last, but I'm hoping I won't lose my motivation. I'm trying to see about going to New York in October and I'd like to not be puffy. Meh. I suppose it doesn't really matter if I'm puffy or not. I'll have to remember to tell myself that if I realize I've lost motivation.

In other news, Greg made me watch Helraiser: Hellbound last night. I have a total love/hate relationship with horror movies. I love to watch them, but I am such a fucking girl afterwards! I was spooked walking to the bathroom last night and I kept dreaming of Pinhead. Then, this morning, I spooked myself while I was in the shower. I forgot that the little cat, Baby, followed me into the bathroom when I went in to take my shower. I was washing my face when she decided it would be a good idea to charge the shower door. I couldn't see her cuzz I was washing my face and I freaked out, thinking there was something coming in to get me. I screeched a little and everything. It makes me feel a little better thinking that I scared her, too.

Hmm... This only took up about 15 minutes of my time. This is not encouraging about how quickly the rest of the day will go.

I want a vacation.

So, the testing shall begin again. Seems my doctor has decided that she wants to find out what's really causing my pain. *facepalm* Nothing has changed in the years since I was diagnosed with PCOS and while I understand the need to have tests done to rule out things, I don't see what that has to do with giving me something for the pain. When I asked, she told me that she doesn't want to medicate me until she knows the real reason for the pain. I don't get it. It's the same pain with the same symptoms. The only difference is that my periods have gone from every 1-2 weeks to sporadic, which is normal with PCOS. (At least from what I've read anyway) So, Wednesday, I get to have another ultrasound. I loathe ultrasounds simply for the whole not being able to pee aspect. That drives me insane.

I'm supposed to have a fasting blood draw done sometime next week as well. My mom was telling me that I should get there at 645 so I can be the first in line after not eating or drinking anything after like 6 or 7 the night before. (12 hour fast) I looked at her like she was loopy and said that I didn't want to have to get up that early if I wasn't going to work. She and the doctor laughed at me cuzz apparently, my like of making the sleep is humorous and can be attributed to my age. In reality, I'm dreading going cuzz people can never seem to find my veins when they try and steal my blood like the vampires they are. The last time I tried to donate blood, they couldn't find a vein for about 20 minutes and when they finally were able to get the needle in my arm and get to it, they ended up telling me they couldn't use my blood and threw it out cuzz I didn't put out an entire pint. Seems like a waste to me, but what do I know? At any rate, I'm thinking I'll do that Thursday cuzz I think the boy will be with his gramma. I have to ask her if she can watch him Wednesday while I have my ultrasound cuzz Greg will be at work and she usually will just keep him if I have her grab him up on Wednesday. We'll see, though. If not, then I'll see if my mom can watch him while I go. I'm not sure if she's up to it yet or not, but it can't hurt to ask.

I also get to see a new OB-GYN. It's the one my mom goes to and he's supposed to be very good. My mom raves about him and likes to tell me he's never had a lawsuit for malpractice or anything. That's great and all, but I'm still nervous. Honestly, I think it has more to do with the fact that he's a man than anything else. I've always had female OB-GYNs. I'm more comfortable with a woman poking around down there. Hopefully this guy doesn't give me that creepy-old-man vibe. That appt isn't until Aug. 9th, though, so I have a little bit to calm my anxieties.

Welp, I guess I should go about performing teh job duties. It's been a nice, slow day so far, but now that I've said that, I'm sure it's going to get busybusybusy!

And I'm off!

Have you ever been so incredibly frustrated with someone it makes your head hurt simply to think about it? Well, if you haven't, be thankful cuzz it sucks.



Everything with my ex-husband is drama. I seriously think he thrives of it. If any of his family read this, I appoligize (sp), but I am so incredibly frustrated that it's unreal. Things were fine. Drama was gone and everything was running smoothly. Now, he's pulling all sorts of stunts that make me wanna just rip my fucking hair out.



Matt has apparently decided that he wants to cut his parents off from him as far as any kind of finances go. That's great! He's 26 years old and should've done that a long time ago. What's bugging me is that he seems to using Alex to do it. He's decided that he wants his finace's brother, who I've know for pretty much ever, to watch Alex. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with that. It's not that I think Bryan's a bad guy or anything, I just think that 4 kids that are 7 and under are a lot for one person to handle and if Matt's mom is willing to watch Alex, FOR FREE, she should be allowed to do so. I certainly can't afford to pay Bryan anything for watching Alex and I know Alex can be a handful all on his own. It's only every other Thursday and every Friday cuzz that's when I work. When school starts, Bryan would have to take Alex to and from school, which is gonna drain his gas. Matt's mom has no problem taking Alex to and from school. Why change it? He's also been pawning his time with Alex off on other people. He's been asking his grandparents to keep Alex every Friday for the last month or so. He only gets Alex Fridays, when he gets out of work, until Sundays, when I get out of work. When I have him, Alex is always saying that he doesn't get to spend any time with Matt. This Sunday was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back.



One of his fiance's sons had to go to the hospital. Matt called me ealier in the morning to see about taking him to the ER where I work and I told him about it and blahblahblah. At that point, everything was fine. Around 3PM, I got a call from Bryan's girlfriend. She told me that the little boy was being admitted to the hospital and that Alex and the other kids would be at Bryan's and they needed me to pick Alex up out there. I told her that wasn't a problem. Then about 2 hours later, I get a call from Matt. He was calling to appoligize (sp) to me for having to pick Alex up in Lennon. Well, I kinda pissed Matt off at that point. I asked him why he couldn't have waited to go up to the hospital until I had picked Alex up. After all, Alex keeps saying he wants to spend time with his daddy and Matt knows that, which I also pointed out. He retorted with, "But, Leslee, this was an emergency." Since I know what was going on, I turned the fact that it wasn't a life threatening emergency on him. He got pissed off and told me he didn't call to debate with me. I told him I wasn't trying to debate, merely point out that, yet again, he's choosing the other kids over his own son. He trieed to say something else to me, but I couldn't hear him cuzz the base got loud, so we hung up. I called his mom and asked her to get Alex. In the course of the conversation with Matt, he had told me that Bryan didn't want to watch the kids cuzz he had things to do and that his sister had pretty much bitched him out until he gave in. I figure since Alex is in no way his responsibility, that if Matt's mom could pick him up, it'd be easier for Bryan. She went and got him and everything was fine. Until I went to pick Alex up, at least. Seems Matt and Dannette (his fiance) had put Alex's sandels on the little one who was in the hospital, so Alex had no shoes. Matt's mom was told by another one of the kids that there were "girl sandels" for Alex to wear. Heh. Needless to say, she wasn't too pleased, especially since there has been an on going battle between them about putting Alex's clothes on the other kids. Anyway, she asked Bryan's girlfriend for Alex's nebulizer. She didn't have it. So, Matt's mom took Alex back her place and told me all about that. It's Tuesday and I still don't have his nebulizer. I'm doubting that Matt will take it over to his mom's tomorrow like he just told me he was going to. Way to make sure your son can have his breathing treatments, Matt. Alex says that Matt's been sending him down to the basement playroom to play so he can smoke upstairs, too. That's a HIUGE no-no considering Alex is severely alergic to cigarette smoke. But that's another on going battle, too.



Needless to say, I'm in a not so happy mood at the moment. After I get out of the doctor's tomorrow I think I'm gonna call Friend of the Court and see what my options are. I'm fucking tired of this bullshit.

I'm having trouble sleeping again. The last few nights I've been taking Tylenol PM just to be able to drift off with out lying there wondering when it'll happen. I like making the sleep, but aparently, it doesn't like me to make it all the time.

I'm still worried about my mom, though, according to the doctors, I shouldn't be. Heh.

I think I've decided to see about getting a hysterectomy. I'm not completely sure, though. I'm just so tired of the bullshit that comes with PCOS. I'm tired of my hair falling out. I'm tired of gaining weight. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing that there is a hint of a moustache. I'm so fucking tired of the pain. I'm never without pain, it's just not as intense as it can be most of the time. The pain I think is what bothers me the most. It's always there, constantly reminding me that there's something wrong with me. I honestly think that I'd be more able to deal with taking estrogen for the rest of my life than I am with dealing withthe pain. Thing is, Greg wants babies. I have my baby. My baby wants a sibling. So, my son and my boyfriend want babies and I don't know if I can even still have them, let alone know if I want more. I don't want to deprive either of them of the joy of a baby, but I just don't know if I can deal with this anymore. I'm on a message board for women with PCOS and they're dealing with it SO much better than I am. It makes me angry that I can't handle it as well. I can deal with many, many things. Just not this. I just want it gone.

I don't know if I'm happy anymore. There's no reason for me to not be, I just don't know if I am. I mentioned before that I started writing again. I haven't written in years. I need to be in a certain frame of mind to write and it seems I've found that frame of mind again. Here's the link to my poetry site if you're interested. If you read anything there, you'll see about the needing to be in a certain frame of mind. I dunno. I'm just not feeling like myself anymore.

I think I'm gonna go lie down and see if the gin is taking any effects as far as sleepiness goes. The boy will be up at the asscrack of early, so I need ot at least try to sleep. Wish me luck.

And now for a real update...

So, my week was relatively uneventful. Played with the boy Monday and Tuesday, went and visited Ron on Wednesday. Normal crap was enjoyed.

Then Thursday came.

My mom was scheduled to have a hysterectomy Thursday. I didn't find out till later that they had found growths in her uterus that they think might be cancer. She was having other problems so she told them to just take it all out. My brother and I are 26 and 21 and she couldn't have any more kids anyway, so why not?

I'd had a bad feeling about it for a few days. I ignored it, though, thinking that this time I'd get myself all worked up and nothing bad would happen and I'd just look like that crazy lady down the street who collects cats. So, even though I was uneasy, I went about my life like there was nothing to be worried about. After all, a hysterectomy is a pretty routine surgery.

Thursday, I decided that I wanted some rum. I was in an artsy mood, didn't have to work, the kidling was with his grandparents and Greg was working till 10PM. Why not have some rum and Coke and write or play art? That idea sounded good at around 530PM, so I commenced with the rum drinking. I wrote my first poem in years and was thinking about getting my pastels out when my phone rang. It was my step-dad.

he gets this tone in his voice when he's worried or upset and doesn't want anyone to know cuzz, well, he's a guy and guys are big and strong. He told me that my mom had lost a lot of blood. Double the amount they were anticipating. She decided that it would be fun to stop breathing, too, so she was on a respirator. He was just leaving cuzz visiting hours were over. I got off the phone with him and sat there for a minute. Then I started crying and calling people. No one would answer their phone. Finally, I got a hold of my friend John. He said that he was gonna come over after he was finished at the restaurant he was at. I tried to play it off like it wasn't a big deal cuzz I didn't want to interrupt anyone's night, I just needed someone to talk to, but he insisted and I relented.

John got there just before Greg and I proceeded to drink more. Not how I should've gone about things, I know, but I can't change it. John succeeded in taking my mind off things and got me laughing. Greg sat at the computer. He didn't really say much. John left a little after midnight cuzz he had to work the next morning. I, fortunately, didn't. I had called dispatch just a little after I found out and asked about using PTO time and told them that my mom had come very close to dying. I must've sounded worse than I intended cuzz the dispatcher on that night called our boss and called me back to tell me that I didn't need to worry about coming in.

I went to visit her the next day around 5 or so. I wanted to go earlier, but I had a really hard time getting myself to get ready and to actually go. No one had called me to tell me that she had gotten any worse, but I didn't know if she had gotten any better, either. So, I finally got myself up there. She was sitting in bed watching TV. They had taken her off the respirator and she was talking and stuff. They had made her start getting up and walking herself over to the bathroom so she didn't have trouble doing so in the future and what not. I honestly thought that I was gonna see my mom hooked up to a bunch of machines. They didn't even have an IV in her arm. o_O I stayed up there for a few hours and went back home. They discharged her yesterday. We're both a little pissed off about that. I mean, she died on that table and they let her go 2 days later?! Unbelievable.

So, I almost lost my mother. In almost losing her, I lost control of my emotions. I'm scared to think how I'll react when the day comes that she actually does pass away...

The Bug

So, I was sitting here at work, minding my own business. I was engrossed in a game of Solitaire. I felt something hit my pant leg. I thought nothing of it, figured it was just the material falling a little after I had moved my leg or something. Stephanie, one of the medics on today, looks over at me.

The following is the conversation that ensued. Word for word.


Steph~ Oh my God, it's on your leg.
Me~ screams like a fucking banshee GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!
Steph brushes at my leg
Me~ Jumping around and running back and forth between the two desk chairs. IS IT GONE? DID YOU GET IT?
Steph~ No, it's still there. Begins to frantically brush at my leg
Me~ OMGISITSTILLTHERE?!?!?!! Screams some more. Dies

She got the bug and smashed it good. By this time, Todd and Re-Todd (Todd is a medic and Re-Todd is an EMT) have come into the room to what the fuck was going on. Come to find out, the bug was on Steph first. She felt it crawling on her hand and flicked it off. It landed on me. I now feel like there are possibly millions of bugs on me. And my pulse is still a little high. o_O

This is why I do not like going outside. That is probably the same reason that I am so buttass white.

Yes people, I showed my fuckin girly colors. I have shamed myself by being scared of bugs.

The End